Prepping

You may have heard a little bit about the concept of  "prepping" over the past couple months. Whether from the recent History Channel show "Preppers" or on the news ever since Hurricane Sandy and the "end of the world" this past December. Its been a popular topic and still a bit taboo. If you're a real prepper you're not really suppose to be talking about your prepping because heaven forbid if disaster ends up happening to you, your neighbor may try to get in on your stash! Plus, if you do talk about it...people might begin to think you are a little coo-coo! But I'm talking about it! There is a greater cause to talking about it than the risk of the world knowing that yes in fact, my family and I do partake in preparing for an array of disasters. In all honestly, I think its our responsibility as parents TO PREPARE ourselves and our families for as many life scenarios as possible.  I am sure that many other responsible parents have an 8 month financial emergency fund in case someone loses their job. That doesn't sound too crazy? And I'm sure others of you make sure you have updated batteries in your flashlights, smoke detectors, or own generators, emergency radios, or have actually drilled with your family a meeting spot "in case" something happens like a home fire.  Prepping for other disasters such as tornadoes or long term electrical grid outings is not that far fetched...not these days anyways! Ok, ok, ok, there are some more extreme versions of prepping...that kind of sensation makes TV worth watching! What I'm advising is that a good parent will assess & determine what kinds of disasters are possible where they live, what is realistic? And then begin researching & preparing for your family's well-being should such an event occur.  We CAN learn from the past...we are a brilliant & resilient species...though more often than not, our mind gets the better of our instincts, and we say "It won't happen to me." 

So you may be wondering "where to start" in terms of your prepping? If you aren't wondering this then no need to continue reading! lol... One site I found helpful is the Ohio Preppers Network  ohio.preppersnetwork.net. There is a forum board where lots and lots of people have posted questions and you can read the responses. Topics from gardening to HAM radios. It is interesting to see what people are up to if nothing else! Ok, maybe it's just interesting to me! lol!  Another place to start is to think about the basics...food, water, shelter, access to information if you are cut off from it, and protection from danger.  For example, food can be handled a bunch of different ways...there is gardening (season dependent), canning, hunting, eating whatever you have non-perishable in your cupboard, MREs, or other prepared meals. Once you determine your preferred method(s) then you can make arrangements accordingly.  For water it is actually not recommended that you rely solely on bottled water. It is good if the situation is short term, however, long term you may consider investing in a water purification system and know the location of a nearby water source. And so on... The extent to which one preps is up to them & their family, however, I do think it is important to be prepared to the best of ones abilities.
Like any parent, I don't look forward to telling my kids that bad things happen or that things happen beyond our control that may or may not impact us directly. As a good parent, I know that it is important that I do what I can to keep my family safe & alive during short term, realistic crisis. My philosophy is that if something huge happens, there is little I can do to prepare...I'll either survive or not (luck of the draw). But there are many other situations that ARE possible in which survival is
IS do-able IF prepared.
As a new year dawns on us once again....take stock of your blessings and consider prepping to keep them.

Elf on the Shelf

Whether it's the day after Thanksgiving or the first day of December, parents all over who celebrate Christmas have embarked on the nightly trickery of Elf on the Shelf.  Over the past few years this family tradition has really made a comeback. Comeback? Why yes! As a child, my sister and I had Elves on the shelves (without the fancy book though...and without the creative ideas found on pinterest). My sister and I each had our own elf. One was green & one was red and we switched who got which one each year.  To my recollection, we were the only people who participated in this activity...but I don't really know because I never asked my friends.  It was just something that happen each year during the Christmas season, it was normal to us. 

And so, when I had my first child, my Mom gave me "my elf." Of all the things she kept from our childhood after all these years (and if you know my Mom, she is a minimalist who doesn't keep anything!!)...she kept the elves. She IS sentimental!! LOL. How cool it was to embark on this tradition with my own kids! When I had my second child I had to figure out how to get another elf. Lucky for me, that is when the Elf on the Shelf book gained popularity.

You may be wondering the names of our elves... Treasure and Jingle Bell.  The kids are not at that age yet where they are claiming one elf over the other as their own.  They just embraced that the elves are part of our extended family during the Christmas season and enjoy seeking them out each morning, talking to them throughout the day, and saying good night at bed time.  While I usually start this tradition on December 1st, this year another friend of mine mentioned she starts it the day after Thanksgiving. Hmmm, I thought...when are the elves suppose to arrive? I looked through the book and it doesn't state when the elf appears on the shelf. Only that it happens at holiday time (with a picture of the Elf on the dinner table...a dinner table that looks a lot like a Thanksgiving meal.) Hmmm, I thought again.   So this year the elves showed up the day after Thanksgiving. What was I thinking?? That means a whole extra week of hiding & planning & trying not to forget to move those elves around! It was so much more fun being on the "seeking" end of this activity than on the "hiding" end. But alas...this wouldn't be a post in the Good Parent if I didn't think that this activity was completely worth the parental efforts! 

If you ever wonder where the magic of Christmas has gone...look no further than a child who has an Elf on the Shelf.  My kids completely believe that these special elves are Santa's helpers, that they look after baby Jesus, that they keep an eye on the kids during the day, and that each night they report on the days events only to return to our home in some random spot/ position. So far this season the elves have been caught hugging our Santa statue, reading books, watching baby Jesus in the manger, trapped in a clear vase, on the tree, in the stockings, riding on Colin's cars and tonight I'm going to have them eating Mommy's cookies that she's been baking all day! The excitement from the kids fuels my excitement to keep the tradition going for them! I over hear the kids talking to or about the elves with pure wonder & giddiness...it is so cute!

I don't remember being crushed when I found out that the elves weren't 'real'...maybe because I had been feeling the spirit of Christmas for so many years with the help of the elves that I no longer needed them to be a reminder?  If this tradition can instill a lasting sense of wonder &  a love of the Christmas season then I'll be thrilled with that. Even more so...I'll be thrilled if they continue the tradition with their families and the opportunity to see my Grand kids squeal with delight as they discover their Elf on the Shelf for the first time!

A Parent's Burden

Every once in awhile my mind wanders to deeper parenting concerns...sometimes sparked by a news story, or a recent dream, or just reflecting on my & my children's lives.

I can hardly write about this topic without my tears welling up and a lump in my throat but the truth is, I pray to God that I do not pass away before my children have an opportunity to grow up.

My heart knows that children are very resilient. My heart also knows that the bond & love between children & their Parent is so powerful & influential to the health of their whole being. The loss of which can not be recovered.

Every time I get in the car I think about being a safe driver because "heaven forbid" an accident happens...I do my best to address health issues when they arise...and every time I am away from the kids I take precautions to be safe...I purposely do not engage in behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous because I want to maximize the time I'll be present in my kids' lives. As if I have complete control over any of this? Don't get me wrong, being a Good Parent is NOT directly proportional to the amount of time a parent spends on Earth. With that said, if I'm not here, I can't be the Good Parent that I so desire for my kids!

Every parent-child relationship is different. I suppose if you are a Parent who is not terribly involved in your child's upbringing or day to day life then you may not feel as concerned about whether you in particular were or were not in your child's life especially while they are still young. In my situation, I have been the primary caregiver from birth...being the parent who feeds, bathes, plays with, teaches, disciplines, cuddles, and meets every need & want of the child from birth.  Literally inseparable with the exception of a date night with Daddy here & there and now the enrollment in school.

My kids lives would be majorly disrupted if I were to perish.  There is no one else they want in this stage in their lives but me. Daddy is a close second but his style, knowledge, & parenting abilities are so different than Mom's (mine) mostly because he is hard at work outside the home.  When I think about this I can't help but wonder if I am setting them up for failure. Being the main person who cares for them can actually be a detriment. Because of this, I feel overwhelmed at times...just heart broken...at the idea that my kids could lose their Mother. 

I've heard parents say that they are suppose to "go first" in terms of dying before their kids do. And while I know I can't live forever, I wish I could take on the burden of loss they will feel when my time comes. I wish I could know how their life would be...or what I can do now to help prepare them (without being depressing) for life without me. We have a Will so I feel secure in terms of their financial future and that part is comforting (actually, it was a freeing experience to complete a Will and EVERY parent should complete one ASAP). However, I worry about how to continue to communicate to them how much they are loved. I worry about who is going to share with them all of the stories that their Mom has in store for them at various stages of their lives? Who is going to show the same amount of attention, investment, enthusiasm, and sense of being fully present in their lives, like their Mom does? Who is going to hug, kiss, tickle, listen, & challenge just the right amount in the right places at the right times, like only their Mom senses as needed? I feel so connected with my kids...and I know they feel it in return. It would be unbearable to loose either of them but I'm older, I could handle it. They are young...and thus...what a burden I feel should anything happen. My spirit would not be able to rest.

And so in some respect, I will not rest until the kids are older or well on their way to being adults. As sad as it will be for those parenting ties to diminish over time...I will be relieved in terms of knowing that the ties were allowed to follow a natural progression without being terminated prematurely.

Tonight I say a special prayer for children (at any age) who have lost a parent. May God hold you in the palms of His hands, May your special Angel(s) always walk with you, and May you feel your parent's love in the world around you everyday for the rest of your life.

You think you know? You have no idea

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I think about how far or how little I've come in my understanding of how difficult it is to parent well. Every time I think I know...I find out that I have no idea.

Many friends know that my daughter has an intolerance to most dairy (which is not the same as an allergy). Her body and now taste buds have never been fond of large quantities of items with lactose in particular. At first this seemed annoying because so many initial "baby foods" were items like yogurt & cheese...and of course, all babies drink mass quantities of milk right? But the appropriate adjustments were made and life went on as usual. I remember thinking I could actually relate to other parents who's kids also had food "issues."  Ha! So. Far. From. Their. Reality!

I have had the fortune (and I mean this because both are absolutely amazingly strong women) to know two Moms who have at least one child with severe food allergies.  Even saying "food allergies" may be misleading as it can stem beyond that with actual medical diagnosis.  Early on in my parenting career, I was introduced to a broader way of thinking in terms of making accommodations around foods offered at play dates, making sure my children did not share or throw food, and I learned to use an "epi pen." I also learned how important it is that children who have to battle food allergies are made to feel included, "normal," and just be a kid!  So much of our lives revolve around food (duh, because its the fuel that makes us go!)...but parenting around food allergies is SO MUCH MORE than just providing 3 nutritious meals a day.

My advice to any parent regardless of if your child has food allergies or not...is to read some blogs of parents who's children do. One of the things that tugs at my heart is the fact that parents have to do so much "explaining" or "apologizing" to those of us parents who have the luxury to not have to think about what it is like to live day to day with food allergies. Remember, many food allergies are also life threatening. So while the child doesn't outwardly have a deadly illness...their life can be threatened in an instance...in the school cafeteria, on the playground, at a restaurant, from a friend's innocent kiss on the cheek.  I. Can. Not. Imagine.  Part of me doesn't want to imagine...which is likely the reason why I lack knowledge about all that goes into parenting a child who also has food allergies. It is not an easy road...made all that much more complicated by the very group who should be supportive (other parents).

There is a lot more for me to learn...what are some of the causes (if known) of various food allergies? Can kids outgrow allergies? Are some allergies related to each other? What are the signs of allergic reactions? What are common/uncommon ways that food allergens are transferred? What are state/govt laws regarding foods in schools? What limitations do kids with food allergies experience? What are the different kinds of medical conditions associated with food allergies? What resources are out there for parents of kids with food allergies? ...and this is just the beginning! It is almost a different world...only it's not.  As I write this list of questions (likely the tip of the ice berg)...it is clear to me that I just have no idea.

If you think parenting in general is difficult...it is.  Now, add to that parenting a child who also has food allergies...mega difficult. I don't know how you Moms do it? Please know that some of us are trying our best to support you, that you NEVER have to apologize for sharing information with us which will ultimately make us better parents & friends to you & your family, and that those of us who "have no idea" do appreciate the wealth of information based on experience that you share.

If you are one of those parents who are thinking "seriously, I'm so sick of hearing about how the rest of us need to change for a few"...then you need to get a life. If you've ever cared about another human being you would go to the moon & back for them. This is how a good parent feels about their kid(s). You will do whatever it takes to ensure they are happy, healthy, & safe.  Ask yourself why you wouldn't want this for every one's children? Kids are so precious, resilient, smart, sensitive. And they are our future. Parenting well and being a good parent-friend to others means we LEARN from other parents daily struggles & triumphs...especially those who are raising a child with food allergies. Please take time to learn something new on this topic that you didn't know before.

Sick Kids

Lets face it...sick kids suck! As a parent you hope that responding to a sick child gets easier as they get older (because they are more effective at communicating their symptoms, they are old enough to take OTC medicines, cough drops, have stronger immune systems, etc). However, parenting to sick kid while they are very young...means sucking it up for the team. Oh, you haven't experienced this yet? Ha ha ha... it's coming!  Lets start with the case of infant with a cold. In other words, infant can't breath especially when trying to sleep which means infant is not sleeping and neither are you. They make these "wedges" to help prop baby up to keep nasal fluids from draining into their lungs (causing further cold symptoms/issues) but as babies go...they often slide/wiggle down the wedge defeating the purpose. Then there are also those nose sucker thingys. You may be a lucky one who's child actually enjoys something stuck up its nose sucking the life of the boogies that collect there but others of us have to put the kid in a head lock, kicking & screaming to get those gross things out! All for the good of helping them breathe! (and by the way, they will NEVER thank you for this!)lol. In the long run, there isn't a darn thing you can do for these little ones but help them feel more comfortable. And that's just a cold...heaven forbid a fever or worse!  But lets give fevers and stomach bugs, their due.  The case of the toddler that says "Mommy, I feel sick." Which prompts the usual parent to touch their forehead and ask 20 questions of "does this hurt?" "did you eat something you shouldn't?" and so on. Of course you consider yourself lucky if time permits you to do this because in most cases by the time the toddler tells you he doesn't feel well, it's too late. Vomit or diarrhea is already on its way! That's right folks. I ain't talking about that cute spit up after a baby didn't get a good burp...I'm talking about breakfast, lunch, & dinner...on you, or in their bed, or in their pants! It is nothing short of disgusting, even when it comes from your own spawn! There isn't anything cute about a sick kid!  Well, okay, maybe when they look up at your with loving eyes or when they fall asleep from exhaustion in your arms but that is where it ends!  So I've had to deal with all this and I've been getting off easy believe it or not! This is the tip of the iceberg in terms of health issues you may have to help your child face in their life. And I haven't even gone into depth about scrubbing carpets, washing soiled undies, washing your own hand obsessively because when a kid is sick you gotta do what you can to avoid germs or spreading them yourself! These little ones don't cover their mouths or noses...and the sloppy kisses! Oh geez, it's like they are purposely trying to drag us down with them! lol.  Weathering through sick kids makes you a stronger parent.  Rarely are there other times in a child's life where they are so vulnerable, so dependent on someone to help them feel better. It is these times you can shine as a parent in terms of your response to them, your love, your caring, your understanding. Your patience will be tested...common, we all get cranky when we're sick...but it will pass. What develops after these bouts of illness is trust, a building stone to respect and a healthy parent/child relationship.  While sick kids suck, you won't be their personal Kleenex forever...and that part kinda sucks too.  A Good Parent, realizes that and gets through these tough times with a smile.

The honeymoon

Yea, a friend of mine just started a new blog called  One..two..three..plus me  all about her crazy life as a stay at home Mom with three young kids and a spouse who travels often. Welcome to the blogger world Christa!

So reading her blog reminded me that it's been a few weeks since I blogged. Things have changed in our life since my last entry...my daughter started Kindergarten 5 full days a week. I am still in shock that I have to get up at 6:30am everyday but we've all taken to our new routine flawlessly. There have been so many sweet moments between siblings and the kids with us since she started school.  For starters both kids get to see Daddy off to work! Lots of kissing going on in our house around 7:30am each day! Each night my daughter and I will cozy up on the couch and just share some alone time. Sometimes its playing whispering games, or tickling, or recapping the days events in more depth. And to watch the kids play together after seriously missing each other all day...they are in separable after 3pm without an argument to be heard. I realize it is entirely possible that this is a honeymoon stage...just a stage... until they adjust to being apart, until my son starts school, until they develop other friendships that cause them to drift from their siblings...but I hope it lasts more than a couple weeks...a couple years would be heaven!

On another side, getting to spend more one on one time with my son has permitted him to blossom even more. He wants to show me the world that he knows and I let him guide me in play (whereas his Sister would often take the reigns), he gets to choose all the books, all the games, and so on. He is loving it.  And finally, now he is going to take classes like soccer & swimming which will further build his self esteem & identity within a social group.  The next phase of our lives is falling into place.

As for me...I have a moment to blog (and it's not 11pm at night!)...and I worked out today. I even visited with a friend while our boys played. And its only 12:30! I am feeling as if my life is getting under control to where I can volunteer more for things (i.e. later today I'll be dropping off a meal to a friend in need). Life with kids just gets better!! Okay okay...clearly I'm in the honeymoon stage as well! LOL...the teenage years are still ahead! But if every transition goes this well, i'll gladly take another honeymoon! I just can't help but believe that when you do parent well you really will & do reap the benefits of parenting well. Its often not immediate, especially in those first 3 yrs where there is so much change, growth, figuring out, balancing going on your head is spinning on top of everything else life throw at you!!!! breath!!!
Good parenting pays off and for now, I'm loving it!

The inevitable: School

Right about now I wish I was preparing to home school my kids...yup, you guessed it, I've got one who'll be entering Kindergarten in the fall (aka 2 wks from now).  This will be my "first" so it's not unusual to have mixed & sentimental feelings about sending her off & being apart from my first born day after day for 6 1/2hrs each day for most of the next 13 yrs of her life. Totally tear jerking when I put it that way...but it's the truth.

These emotions are likely very similar to those felt by parents who work outside the home...whenever they first experienced the transition from maternity/paternity leave to going back to work, leaving their child for the first time for hours on end... but in my case and that of most stay at home parents... Its been 5 full years of being with my child 24-7 (except the occasional night out or preschool & even then it's only a few hours).  Five years of giving my all to another human being, being their source of knowledge, their source of nutrition, their fun, their safety net, their...everything...and my daughter has been my everything in return.

And so I am very conscious of our inevitable separation. My heart goes out to friends whose children are also entering Kindergarten for the first time and I take comfort when I hear or read of their positive experiences.  It is really an exciting mile stone for our kids...we've brought them this far, its time for them to excel on their own, learn a new sense of independence, and learn about subjects best taught by someone else.

I don't know if I should be doing something to prepare for her to start school other than encouraging her writing, reading to her, doing workbook activities together. I do plan to do a "day out with Mommy" with her too...mostly for me? Preparing her may be more about preparing me. I feel a bit like the "big baby" in all this...what I want to say is "I don't want you to go." But instead when she asked me earlier today "Mommy, I'll like Kindergarten right?" My response was nothing short of gushing about the amazing time she'll have with her friends, learning to read, etc. 

I encouraged another Mom friend to stay positive and think about the extra time she can focus on her other two little ones. I am taking my own advice.  I can't wait to enroll my son in activities that he has been short changed these last couple yrs when it was too difficult to juggle the age differences.  I have longed for one on one time with him and it's finally upon us. However, it doesn't seem to lessen the sadness that I have in being apart from my oldest. We've been through so much...kinda like boot camp...she has taught me about myself as much as I believe I've shaped who she is becoming.

She won't remember a thing about going into Kindergarten and I suppose when she's older I'll confess how "Mommy was a mess" when she started school. I'll be all smiles though when the time comes. I'm her rock and I want her to be strong, confident, embracing of change & challenge. I will be more attentive to her after school, I'll lay with her in bed & talk about her day or the day ahead, I'll support her as she grows. She'll have continuity in knowing that Mommy is & had always been there. And just when we get used to our new routines and relationship...I'll be sending my baby boy off to Kindergarten and it will be a whole new stream of emotions!  I don't even want to think about that blog! lol

This moment, whether it's kindergarten or had I homeschooled, later when they go to High School or move out to go to College...the seperation, is inevitable. So, Good luck to all you Moms n Dads out there engaging in this rite of passage of sending your kid(s) off to school... Good luck to the kids too...you'll have an amazing time with friends, learning to read, etc...

the goofy parent

There are few pure, simple (and yet totally awesome), joys in life than laughing with your children. Being goofy, silly, and probably completely obnoxious from an outsiders point of view, rank high on a good parent's neccessary skill set! When in doubt, when on the verge of a break down or a tantrum, when you want to turn a sad situation into a smiley one, a good parent will often resort to doing something you normally would NEVER consider doing...like pretend burping (or other bodily noises) or singing Elmo style to the tune of jingle bells.

Being goofy has gotten me out of a jam or helped to avoid a jam many a time. Often occurring in the car and usually in attempt to keep one or both kids awake!  We have two favorite goofy games that get us giggling almost immediately.  There is a song on the show Peppa Pig that Peppa's classroom sing...the "Bing, bang, bong" song.  In our game, my daughter attempts to teach this song to her brother and me. Our response to her efforts is that we continue to repeat the song back to her incorrectly...making up all sorts of other words that rhyme with bing, bang, and bong. Its a never ending game that includes anyone who wants to participate! 

The other goofy game we play is similar to the one above.  In this game, Mom tries to get the kids to say "fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he?" The kids are asked to repeat various parts of the phrase back to me and of course they never say it exactly how it's suppose to go, making up all sorts of other phrases that hurl us into unending laughter.

Tonight, just for kicks my daughter and I stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror (she had just brushed her teeth)....first we were trying to see who could hold their breath the longest. Then it turned into the "no talking game," and then it morphed into who could make who laugh first! I was in tears! We would both just outburst into complete laughter and everything that was said or done was hilarious in those moments! That went on in excess of 30 minutes!

It doesn't take much to laugh with your kids...you don't need an arsenal of jokes, it doesn't have to involve tickling, and it's so much more rewarding to laugh with them than at them!  Parents can often get bogged down with the day to day routine...don't undermine the value to laughter in lifting up your spirits and building a strong relationship with your kids!

Friendships

Last night I was watching John Stossels' show which was titled "What you think you know, isn't true." It was a reminder to the wake up call I had about a month ago when I learned that a close friend of mine (one of my "mommy friends": someone I had met once I had my first child) had disclosed that she participated in an alternative lifestyle. I'm not talking about homosexuality for anyone who is wondering and since "her story" isn't mine to tell, I do not plan to do so.  Tonight's blog is about "You think you know someone, but you don't."

Can you imagine...learning something about a close friend that was kept private the entire time you knew them, something that is so much a part of them you would consider it literally part of their culture?  Now, imagine that this part of their life is completely contradictory to how you live your life.  I am still trying to wrap my head around this. I understand why she did not want to disclose this side of her...there is some social taboo involved and thus she may have been afraid to risk friendships, etc. The risk of our friendship now is more from a sense of dishonesty. I wrestle with "I'm glad she trusts me enough to share personal information," to "what else don't I know about her?" to  "Had she shared this information earlier, I likely would not have chosen to maintain a friendship this long." I feel duped over the last 5 yrs. Now that its been shared...what do I do?

I think about my kids...If they came to me with the same dilemma...one of their friends turns out to be someone they aren't sure they want to be hanging around with anymore. I would ask the following questions:
1. Are there identifiable behaviors the friend is engaging in that have changed, that you don't like?
2. Are the behaviors invasive into other aspects of their life (can they be separated out?)
3. Are the behaviors illegal, hurtful, negative, go against your understanding of right from wrong?
4. Did you tell your friend how you feel? what was their reaction?
5. What do you gain from being friends with this person (do they build you up or take you down or neutral)/

It makes me think about those stories on TV about people who live double lives. It never once occurred to me that I would learn something about a close friend that would automatically put our friendship in jeopardy. I've always taken my friendships perhaps more seriously than others, keeping a few friends close and having many acquaintances. When close friends have drifted away, I feel like it hurts me perhaps more than them. I miss them. But its easier to swallow the loss of a friend due to various life circumstances like job changes, moving out of state, etc. It is also easier to explain to a child "We aren't going to go see so & so anymore because..." But its another thing to lose a close friend because you all of a sudden you learn that what you thought you knew about them, wasn't true.

You may be wondering how does all of this relate to parenting? I actually feel as though I've "failed" in terms of making sure that my children have been in the company of others who I believe are good role models.  My kids look to me in terms of which adults to trust...and I, despite other "signs," I sure blew this one! Assuming the friendship with my Mommy-friend and I dissolves, so does the friendships amongst the children involved. My friendships aren't just about woman to woman...but often include that of our kids.  I'll always care about this friend & her family. I'll wish them well & pray from them. At this point in my life though, I need to surround myself with healthy people who share similar personal values. People who I can answer the above 5 questions with confidence knowing my children & I will be better people for having this friend in our lives. This is what I want for my kids and the role modeling begins with me.

Its all in your attitude

I thought with the start of July and my husband being out of town I would have all sorts of time to blog! Ha ha ha I was so busy and tired! It was a huge reminder that "single parenting" is no ideal way of raising kids or maintaining a healthy lifestyle! I have been thinking about a few different topics to write about but tonight I am reflecting on how a parent's attitude about day to day incidents shapes children's attitudes about the same thing...and even deeper, shapes their lives for the long haul.

I was so impressed today by how a friend of mine responds to things her children do.  I don't know how she feels "inside" or what her personal philosophies are on parenting however, what I see is a parent who is cool, calm, collected, and most of all inspiring (without even knowing it!).  And I don't know what her kids feel when they find themselves in precarious positions but when they look to their Momma, I see kids who make discoveries, find direction & security, and are learning to "shake it off" which is an invaluable coping skill for later in life!

So you may be wondering what is it, exactly, that this Mom does or doesn't do. Its really all in the attitude...here is an example:

Today we were at a new park which is (as we found out) probably best suited for children 4yrs and older. And as luck would have it, there was a children's camp also using the park made up of gradeschool aged kids. There were lots of kids running around...and my friend's daughter is 3yrs old. Are you getting the picture? I wasn't watching her child as I had my own to keep an eye on, however there were times when her daughter was in my view. In one instance, she was playing with part of the play set that an older girl was too and ended up getting knocked over (pure accident). 

Lets take a moment aside: First of all...some parents would NOT have let their young child even attempt to mingle with a strange-older child. Second, some parents would have pulled her aside saying "that twisty-thing is too advanced for you" and third, when she fell on the ground some parents would have rushed over all excited, swooping her up, and asking "are you okay?"  Does any of this sound like you?  I've been there at various stages...though it all depends on the situation of course!

But this Mom sees value in permitting her daughter to mingle with older children (lets be clear, under her watch. This Mom "made friends" with many of the camp kids to the extent that some of the camp kids may have thought she was staff!).  Older kids are great for role modeling and overall her daughter was learning to socialize and assert herself (instead of being afraid of other kids).  This Mom also sees the value in exploring and testing boundaries. Her daughter was able to engage with the older child, watch the older child use the twisty-thing, and attempt to use it herself. If you never let a child TRY how will they learn what they can or cannot do? How will they learn to "get good" at something? How will they build confidence?  ok, so when her daughter attempted to play with the twisty-thing, she fell. It happens! I didn't hear this Mom ask "are you ok?"...she just assessed her daughter's reaction in a split second based on her "knowing" her own child's ques (a good parent has an idea of their kids ques) and encouraged her to shake it off and keep on playing! Which is exactly what her child did! Without hesitation & happily! There was no hugging, no coddling, no uncertainty, no babying about the situation. Mom was confident and so her child followed in her footsteps and kept on playing! If Mom believes "everything is alright in the world" then, the child believes this too! It was a beautiful exchange to witness.

Such a simple, everyday occurrence for those of us who frequent parks & play areas. I encourage parents to take the time to examine step by step WHY they make the choices they do in regards to parenting. The parent who "swoops in" to save the day...what are they teaching their child in the long run? In the moment maybe you think you are showing love, care, & concern? Perhaps. However, it may be at the cost of teaching them other behaviors that may not be as desirable later on in life? Will they be looking for Mommy to heal all wounds when they are grown up? Are there other ways & times during the day you can express your love, care, & concern without sacrificing other positive life skills that will ultimately shape their being?  How to you limit your child's explorations because you are projecting your own fears & anxieties about what "might" happen? Who does your child(ren) mingle with? Are they relationships that foster positive experiences or hinder socialization? At the park do you hover like a bee on honey, stand back though cautious, or ignore altogether? Maybe a little of all at different times? Every thing we do impacts our kids...scary if you think about it! And while these little ones won't remember a thing...the person they end up growing into is almost completely shaped by the nurturing & environment in these early years! What are you teaching your kids by your actions and have you already seen the impact of your parenting choices on who your children are as individuals?ts

Parental guilt

This post may apply mostly to stay at home parents because its the perspective that I personally experience, though I am certain that all parents have had twinges if not been completely overwhelmed by the "G" factor...GUILT!  I don't know any parent who hasn't experienced feelings of guilt at one point or another during their journey through parenthood.  The "G" factor is one feeling I certainly could live more without! Its not necessary and it can hold a person back from their potential if it is not understood!

A working parent may be feeling guilty for missing some of those child developmental milestones or maybe feel guilt because they really do enjoy being at work more than the day to day routine of hanging out with their kid(s). As a stay at home parent, my guilt comes in the form of "My job is to care for you, play with you, teach you, etc but I also need make your lunch so you can eat, do the laundry so you have clean clothes, clean the pool so you can swim in it, etc."  Basically a tug of war over the literal time I spend with my kids and the time necessary to prepare us to spend time together.

Its funny because I do not feel guilty about taking a break, which usually consists of going to the bathroom, taking a shower, and checking my facebook msgs throughout the day.  Every couple hours my mind needs to check out for a few minutes. Just as my kids need to have quiet time, I need my quiet moments too. Its easy to explain to the kids "Mommy needs a break, we've been playing candy land for an hour!" However, it seems harder for them to understand that when I'm not "on break" I also have to do chores around the house, see to setting up doct appts, addressing needs with my community Mom's group, etc. This parenting "job" is more than just the actual time spent engaging with the kids.

My heart just crumbles when I hear my daughter say "Mom you haven't played with me all day!" Of course the entire day was spent with each other, eating breakfast together at the dinner table without distractions of tv, cell phones, etc. Followed by trip to aquarium. Followed by pic nic lunch. Followed by quiet time. Followed by trip to grocery store. Followed by making pizza together & eating at the dinner table together again without distractions...at which time she tells me I haven't played with her all day! That's when the guilt sets in for me! I try to explain that not EVERY day can be spent playing dolls or legos and that by us doing things together we are learning & creating memories beyond just playing.

Yeah...she doesn't care...she just wants me to play with her as much as possible! My kids are "my boss" in a way. I work for them. They have a vision of how the work day should go...and I have my vision which does try to take into account the bosses vision!!! But I can't evade the "G" factor when another day passes and I haven't met my kids expectations of spending time together.  I am trying to find the win-win solution.  Each day I try to spend time with the kids playing something they are EACH interested in playing and when my youngest naps, I give an hour undivided attention to my oldest.  They we can spend the other 1/2 of the day running errands, play dates, or an outing to benefit the kids. It makes for well organized & packed day but it is these days that I find my kids fight less, they are more inclined to play independently when needed, go to sleep at the end of the day with less resistance, etc. Spending that literal quality time cannot be beat! The "G" factor creeps in because I am actually the one who is learning to be "okay" with knowing EVERY day cannot be spent playing dolls or legos. I wish I didn't have to do this other stuff! I would love nothing more than to be engaged with my kids all day...what a wonderful life! My guilt comes from the reality of knowing someone has to cook, clean, prepare, etc and that someone is also ME.

Take time to explore your feelings of guilt related to parenting.  What is the guilt about? What triggers it? Why do you think that is so? What can you do to minimize or delete it altogether? The Good Parent is going to take time to understand what is holding them back from fulfilling their vision of parenthood and the vision their children have of life spent with their parents.

5 tips for new parents

There are many people I know who had or are having their first child this year. Congratulations on parenthood! I said in an earlier entry that parenthood is the best kept secret because it really is full of wonder...not just about the cutest bundle of joy in the world but also the wonderment of how you can be physically, mentally, & emotionally pushed to the limits AND STILL manage to function! Amazingly though parents end up surviving and some go on to go through it all over again!

Some thoughts for new parents:
1. If you have a partner or a family member who is with you, devise a schedule to divide up the care of the baby. Even it if it is into 1/2 hour increments (you care for baby for 30 min then your spouse does and so on) or chunk it into larger time slots if that works. This way, you WILL find time to take a shower or make a phone call or heaven forbid, lay down and close your eyes! This works for breast feeding moms too so there's no excuses! And if you are really lucky, baby will be sleeping during your 30minute time slot so then it's like getting a whole hour to take care of other things on your mind!
2. After those first couple weeks...go back to living your normal life before you forget what that was like! Its ok to take your baby everywhere you go. Get out of the house! This is usually the only time strangers will sympathize with you when baby cries or you look a mess. You can say "I"m a new Mom, I just gave birth." Everyone will "oooh" and "aahhh" and forget all about how you look or what disturbance was originally being caused! This will NOT be the case when the child is a year old...then they judge. But for now, go do what you gotta do!
3. Do not turn down help! If a friend says "hey can I bring you dinner?" Your reply should immediately be "Yes, that would be awesome, what night?" If someone else says "Do you need any help about the house?" Your reply should be "Yes, we need our yard mowed & bathrooms done...would you mind doing either of these?" Take people up on their offers AND give them direction on how they can help/where you need help. They aren't mind readers...they've just "been there" so to speak...they know you'd love the help & are offering. Help them follow through so as to make your life- in that moment- easier! This too will not last! No matter how dear your friends are, I guarantee that a year from now they will not be offering to cook & clean for your family!
4. Find a "moms" group, a book club, or a playgroup made up of other parents. Maybe you know a few people who already have kids and maybe you think you know it all already! You don't! Connecting with other NEW parents in particular will help "check & balance" your own experiences, unlike "books" about child development. And since parenthood experiences are so varied you will certainly learn new strategies to relating with your child. You can wait til your child is 1 or older...but why? Some of my most cherished relationships were made when my daughter was four months old or should I say, I was only 4 months into this parenting gig!
5. Lastly, do your best to remember to praise your partner/spouse of their role with parenting or with working, or keeping the house up, etc. You spend every waking moment showing love & attention on this new addition that it is VERY easy to forget to shower love on your closest loved one! Find the energy in you to say "thank you" when he/she does even the most mundane tasks! If you used to give your spouse a back rub once in a while, take a moment to do it again. Even a few minutes will help remind him that you care of his well being too.
Good luck all you Momma & Poppas! You're on an amazing and difficult journey but it will all be worth it as you go along (not just in the end). With these tips you'll be well on your way to becoming a Good parent as well as someone who hasn't completely lost sight of who they are & their relationship with their partner!

Stepping in or on?

When I examine my own parenting style I have to say that being a control freak has come in handy for a good portion of what I consider my "success" as a parent.  Specifically in the areas of establishing and maintaining routine & structure through my children's first 5 years. And while it may surprise some, I haven't always been this way~ feeling the need to control things, that is.  In 2001 I learned a valuable lesson in the workplace that taught me that I literally could not do my job unless I "let others."  That in fact it was my job to role model, to teach life skills, to supervise (support & challenge my then staff), and to ultimately allow them to then flourish, infusing their own ideas, styles, knowledge, etc into the work we were accomplishing together.  As my kids grow I hope to loosen up the "control" I've had over these informative years so as to "let them" live their lives & flourish!

But being a bit of a control freak in terms of parenting is not necessarily the best quality to have especially around other parents! That is unless of course I'm stepping in to control a situation that saves your child's life! Or saves them from harm of some sort.  This recently happened to me (two times!) and it left me feeling a bit awkward because while it was clear that my Mom-friends were totally cool with me need to intervene, I wasn't necessarily totally cool with how nonchalant their own parenting was considering we were all in the same vicinity when the situations were occurring. There were many things I wanted to say during & after to my Mom-friends and their children but refrained in doing so mostly because "who am I?" 

The underlying dilema is if we do step in at various situations, we show that we are a caring community of parents & friends. If we do not or do or say too much we may end up stepping on toes or not being true to our own sense of right from wrong. I am left wondering about these boundaries and why people get so offensive if someone steps in to parent their child? (other than the obvious of "youre not the parent").

There certainly are various factors to consider when stepping in to parent other peoples children specifically the type of relationship (if any) you share. If you have the opportunity to ask first "hey, do you want me to intervene if theres an issue between the kids?" than try to do so. Whenever I drop my kids off at a friend/family's home I always state "Its okay to discipline them, they know to go to the corner if misbehaving", etc because I do not want my friends to feel uncertain or weird about how to handle my kids when I'm not there. Even in instances of a play date, I try to be "aware" enough that I can say to another parent "If you feel my son is too rough, please say something. He likes to wrestle but it can get out of hand." I'll go so far as noticing if another parent is showing non-verbal concerns and I'll correct my kids before there is an issue. I even go so far as trying to make eye contact or small talk with a parent at a park if our kids are playing together in attempt to establish the degree to which they are watching their own children, in case something does happens. Now some of you are thinking I'm not controlling, just neurotic! LOL

Stepping in for any reason feels more like overstepping if its a situation with people you have no relationship with at all! People get bent out of shape because another Mom spoke to their child asking them to "not scream" in the restaurant play area or at the park when you ask if they could let other children have a turn at the swings.  I guarantee you that if you intervened to save a child from stabbing another one with a folk at the same restaurant, that parent might be more thankful than anything!

At some point we have to start viewing parenting as a community thing because we are all living in this world together! You can "let go" without being neglectful! So whether it's your control freak of nature creeping into your parenting style or just a desire to save the world one child at a time... I say step in when you think it's good role modeling or when there are life lessons or skills to be taught, regardless if it is your children or not. Step in if it means saving someone from harm.  These are things a good parent will do because in the end, children are not children for very long. With any hope they too will flourish one day and perhaps even into good parents themselves!

I"ll take my stay-cation, thank you!

Once you're a parent you want to give your child everything~ well maybe not literally or materialistically but most of us have a desire to try to provide our kids with as many life experiences as possible. This leads me to the idea of the annual family vacation.  I remember my Mom (single & on a budget) taking us on road trips to the Indiana dunes and all across the great state of Illinois (Galena being our favorite quaint lil town!) And when we visited our Dad, he usually took us camping. Those were our family vacations and they are memories and experiences I look back with fondness & I would never trade.  To this day, I've never been to Florida-gasp (though I have been to nearly every other state). And if it weren't for that "parental" pressure I feel all around me to take my kids to Disney Land (by all the rest of you who just went, are going, or have gone 3 times already and your oldest is only 5!) I frankly could careless if I ever stepped foot in that state! But I digress...  Ok ok, I really would like to take my kids on a get-a-way vacation to a fabulous & fantasy destination like Disney but the bottom line is...ITS EXPENSIVE. Its expensive to go anywhere, over night, out of state, for multiple days with a family of 4 or more. I honestly don't know how people do it (and do it without adding debt?)...or more importantly, WHY they do it?
In the scheme of your child's life...a good parent should ask yourself: what are the most important things I want my child to experience? That they spent time as a family? That they have quality educational experiences? That they feel loved? That they have a sense of purpose? This list may be endless but try to narrow it down to 4 or 5.
I try to parent keeping these in mind and thus, the choices I make on behalf of myself  & my family also reflect these values.  Since money & time do not grown on trees in my yard, I'll gladly chose a stay-cation this year...and next...and likely the ones after that.  Especially if it means less stress on our family budget & money put towards a more important goal!  Don't get me wrong...vacations are GREAT & usually well deserved breaks for the routine of usual life. I would love nothing else but to "go on vacation." I'm just not sold that the Disney type vacations are exactly where we(my family) need to be spending our money. Last I looked it was going to cost us upwards of 55K to send the kids through (private) school til high school only to spend that much on each of them during their last 4 years. I know that during these years they will get quality experiences & a quality education. I know they will feel loved & be cared for by their teachers & peers. I know they will develop a sense of purpose.  Their education will be an invaluable investment. The kind worth making sacrifices such as those annual get-a-way vacays to fabulous & fantasy destinations. I know this from experience. And I know for a fact that while I "think" my kids will be missing out on the magic of Disney or swimming with dolphins or a cruise or animal safari, etc...they'll survive (like I did) if they never do end up there. So while I'm happy for those of you who had a vacation of a lifetime today, I'll be a happy parent every day of my children's lives for giving them this educational opportunity. Parental pressure can be squashed by focusing on your own  parental values & goals.  Had it not been for my education & how my own parents chose to spend our family vacations, I would not be the person I am today. Did Disney (or whatever get-a-way vacation you had) do this for you?
And super kudos to those of you who have made sacrifices or by the grace of good fortune are able to go on fabulous get-a-ways AND provide the very best for your kids in every aspect of of their lives!!

Our Children's Virtual Life

Its has been a while since I've posted a blog, not for lack of topics but because I have a pinched nerve that runs from my neck all the way down my right arm, ending in my thumb. It's nearly impossible for me to be at a computer for very long even with a perfect posture! So, tonight's post will mostly be food for thought on a topic that is causing me to do some tweaking in terms of what I post on-line about my kids (stories, photos, milestones, etc).

By now, most of us are aware of YouTube and have likely watched many a video of Sesame Street or cute kittens! We've also likely watched or heard in the news of videos of kids doing amazing things, silly things, embarrassing things, and so on! You may have even posted your own videos, photos, stories, blurbs of your kid(s) on any of the numerous websites, social network sites, etc. In addition, I've noticed many parents have created facebook pages/accnts(?) for their children...who are not yet officially "of age" to be using sites like facebook. (as an aside, I'm not on twitter, myspace, and whatever else exits out there to know what parents have been doing on behalf of their kids).

Here is the realization that I've recently come to... Parents are basically creating their children's virtual life without their permission.

From the time they are born and we post those hospital photos (I'm guilty here) and every single part of their life thereafter (at least until they are somewhere in their teens and they beg us to stop due to embarrassment or because their future employer really does search the net to decide who to hire.)  For me, I was thinking this is a great way to "document" my kids life...especially since my own parents didn't place much emphasis on that area on my behalf.  But when does this cross the line? Could our kids sue us later for posting their images without their expressed written consent? ok, I'm being funny...but I don't mean to be!

Some Parents may not post a lot about their kids for "safety" reasons...Lord knows there is a predator on every corner these days. Parents should take precautions when posting anything about their kids whether its making sure your privacy settings are up to date, or the content of your postings do not contain information that can trace a child's whereabouts, identity, etc. You can post photos that aren't clear enough to see their face, etc. I"m not advocating that Parents completely refrain from sharing their kids lives on the internet but we NEED to think about what we are doing!

It is my opinion that parents should refrain from posting embarrassing video, photos, stories that will forever haunt their kids, belittle, or cause anxiety when they get older! Parents can share via email to select friends & family instead of posting for all 150+ fb friends to see. Or even us the old fashion method of just verbally telling people "You won't believe what Johnny just did!"... I guarentee it will have the same effect but with a lot less scarring!  What you put "out there" in cyberspace on behalf of your kid,  is going to be there for a very long time, keep that in mind!

The Good Parent is going to make more of an effort to respect their child who will one day be grown (by the grace of God), respect them enough not to flood their virtual life with anything that will cause them harm in the long run, especially if its to cause a laugh at their expense now.

Single, Double, or Other

An unfortunate thing happened the other day on one of my friend's facebook page.  She posted a status about an observation she had made and the comments that ensued lead to bit of a dispute about single parenting (where the single parent is also working outside the home) verses double parenting (specifically when one parent stays home while the other one works outside the home).   The assumptions included things such as it's easy to be a good parent when one of you stays home, working Moms are role modeling realistic work/ life ethics, that stay at home Moms have it made financially, etc. Without sharing too much about the heated back & forth and believe me, I had my own comments to add... I kept thinking "why are us Moms beating each other up because some "get to" stay at home while others work outside the home?"  Shouldn't we all be striving to be good parents regardless of our situation (single, double, or other)?

Do I think that being able to parent well is easier & more efficiently/effectively achieved if at least one parent or family member is able to stay home with the child? Yes...BUT only if that parent uses the time with the child to enhance their development.  The child is not better off at home if they are in front of a TV all day or if the parent is one their computer/cell phone constantly.  In these instances the child would certainly be better off in another environment that can foster learning & play. Likewise, being a stay at home parent is not as glamorous as society makes it out. Most of the Moms I know in this situation have spouses that travel often, are deployed across country or state lines, have spouses that are not engaged with the child(ren), etc. It can be more lonely that the life of a single parent because a single parent at least has a "work" community of adults they can connect with on a daily basis. Even the playgroup I participate in at best meets up once every two weeks. Most of the stay at home parents I know also make huge financial sacrifices in order to support this situation. No movies, no restaurants, no new clothes, no vacations, no fancy parties, etc... These people believe it is more important to have a parent stay home than to engage in the above mentioned spending. They live their lives accordingly and it is not easy.

Good parenting seems infinitely harder for those who are single parents. For obvious reasons...there simply is no one else to share the work load needed to maintain a home inside & out, vehicles, earn income, parent the child(ren) and so on.  For all these to be shouldered by one adult is surely a challenge in terms of balance and ability to give their all in each area. Of course good parenting happens with single parents! (I mentioned my own Mom being a good parent in a previous entry). Though, often with the help of extended family and/or network of friends (perhaps other single parents).  The sacrifices single parents make are often different yet possibly more powerful than those sacrifices mentioned above. These may include refraining from dating again or remarrying, refraining from extracurricular activities to ensure there is money available for their children's activities, sacrifice where & how they live (my Mom's bedroom was the living room in one apartment so my sister & I could have the actual bedroom), taking lower paid jobs that offer more flexibility, and so on. Whatever time my Mom had after working she spent with us...that's good parenting in my book!

Whether you are a single parent, a parent who has access to an extended community made up of friends & family, or parent with a partner/spouse (where one stays home)...the way to being a good parent is about "owning" your situation, making it what you want it to be in terms of the type of parent you want to be.  We can't use our situation as an excuse for why we are struggling to parent well. There is always going to be people who make assumptions about your parenting based off the situations you find yourself. People who make assumptions have their own issues & insecurities!  Let your good parenting be the testament to your character & strength as a positive role model. When one parent makes a comment about how valuable it is to spend time at the park engaged with your children...agree with them! Its not a point to be argued...its an experience that any Good Parent makes time for & cherishes!

Hugs

A few weeks ago I attended a breakfast fundraiser at the local YMCA along with some "mom friends" of mine.  While we were mingling, one of my friends came over and hugged me "hello." At  that moment a light bulb went off!  Iit had been so long since I had been hugged (by someone other than my kids or husband) that I actually felt a boost of happiness~a feeling that remained with me all day as I thought about how the simple act of a hug can change a person's attitude for the positive. 

I'm no stranger to hugs. Many years before that I created a bulletin board on the topic of hugs. Did you know there are a variety of hugging styles?  There's the "bear hug," the "A-frame hug," the "side hug," and so on.  I also read once that if you want to live longer you should have 4 hugs/day!  Hmmm.... is there a science to all this hugging?

I like hugs.  I hug my kids a bazillion times a day and would hug them even more if they'd let me!  But I don't seem to "offer" hugs up to friends as much as I would like.  I think it's mostly due to a fear of social boundaries and wondering how the hug would be accepted. I have certain friends that I always hug but most friends I do not unless a special occasion warrants.  And yet... every time I see my "mom friends" and their child(ren), I always encourage my kids to "hug" goodbye or hello with the other kids. Why do parents encourage hugging among kids? It seems like good etiquette, a nice thing to do. Yet I'm still reflecting on how it is possible that for almost 3 years now, I've been asking my kids to participate in a behavior (hugging their friends) that I myself have I've not been role modeling!

Parents need hugs too...not just from their kids but from other parents.  There is something special about making a connection with another who understands, without words, what you go through on a daily basis.    Sometimes that squeeze is enough to remind you that you are human!  Sometimes I find myself on auto pilot going through the same routines day after day...it is easy to forget about how it feels to be hugged, appreciated, noticed.  Parents who give their all often find they are operating on fumes & feel like they just don't have anything left to give, not to anyone. While the parent is giving their best to impact the lives of their children they can lose themselves, lose their energy in the process.  Our life's energy makes us who we are and it can be nourished through hugging!

 So, to my friends...consider yourself warned! If you see me, you just might get a hug!

 

Why good parenting?

It has occurred to me that someone out there who knows me or has stumbled upon this blog may be asking themselves, why is she writing about good parenting?

My last blog was about the fear of scarring my children for life in some way, shape, or form.  This one is about the fear that I have for all children's safety and for the general well-being of our society.  We have seen increased violence within educational environments over the past (10+ yrs) and I think this is a glaring symptom that something has gone terribly off course in terms of parenting.  In fact, I think that good parenting is the key to most of the issues society is facing today.  Parents MUST focus on raising good people! What does this mean? It means that parents need to role model things like the golden rule (treat others how you want to be treated), to role model being committed (to your partner, to a career, to spending time with your family), to role model being a participant in the community (volunteering, being neighborly, voting), to role model appropriate behaviors (refrain from cursing & smoking, at least in front of kids, refrain from physical & verbal violent acts, refrain from discrimination), to role model love (showing respect, affection, positive affirmations).  These are just examples of what I think parents need to do to help ensure they are creating good children who will one day be adults making decisions & impacting the world. I mean comm'on!  I know I'm asking for a lot here but its not like I'm saying that a good parent has to eat certain foods, be a tree hugger, attend a place of worship,  provide a zillion toys for the kids, and stay home in order to raise good children.  Parents don't actually have to BE perfect...but they should try to be a good role model...for the sake of a healthy society! 

So writing about being a good parent is not me on my high horse... Its me doing a very little part in trying to save the world that my children are growing up in so that they are safe to live life, to believe in their dreams, to be innovative & inspiring in hopes of creating a better world instead of the current one that seems more violent than what is necessary. 

It is beyond heart breaking for those families who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's child in an instance of school violence.  I used to take comfort in believing that 99% of people are "good"...however, I think that percentage has dropped especially if you include our global world.

Just think of the trickle down effect of good parenting! It effects your child's self esteem, relationships they have with others (at school, at work, in public, as part of a team), how they model their family life when the time comes.  Of course the main obstacle to good parenting is the parent them self...what baggage do you carry that is impacting your ability to parent well? Something to consider. As parents we reap what we sow. Its not too late to be a good parent, to focus on your child's well being, to teach them to be a good person. Parents ARE changing the world, one child at a time.

The slippery slope, tipping point, fine line.

Tonight I want to talk about one of my greatest parenting fears and yet with my luck will end up being something beyond my control (ah, control...something parents struggle with and which I believe a good parent can eventually slowly relinquish with confidence as their child becomes an adult). The fear that my parenting actions will in some way, somehow, scare (as in a deep cut) my children for life! I really am serious but at the same time I can't help but think of one way in which my own Mom "scared me for life."  By the way, I consider my Mom a "good parent."

My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried.  Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit.  As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry.  It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev). 

This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it."  Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.

The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this).  My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting!  Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating  old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!

There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life.  A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand.  I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together).  I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!

Doing your research

I've been wanting to blog for over a week but with the preparation of my spouse leaving the country on business and my failure to keep bedside notes of ideas to blog about...I am taking a moment tonight to throw this one up here. 

It is so important for parents to do their research when making decisions about how to proceed in dealing with/responding to a child's behavior(s).  Ok, so it's also important to do your research with a lot of other aspects of child rearing such as in terms of health decisions (to vaccine now or wait or not at all for example), to research the quality of baby products (from detergents to car seats), to researching babysitters & schools and so on.  But this blog is about behaviors...sleeping in particular.

I do not know one parent who has not struggled in some aspect when it comes to the topic of children and sleeping.  Some parents may not acknowledge their struggle(s) and some resolve/cope with the struggles more quickly & efficient than others, making it seem as if they "hardly had any issues at all."  Some parents may have been "lucky" with one child who "was always a good sleeper" but it is likely their second or third child had issues! LOL

About a month ago, I was alarmed by a friend's facebook post about her daughter's difficulty going to bed and staying in bed (or staying asleep). My friend asked in her status whether anyone had ever used Melatonin as a sleep aid for their child.  To my horror (sorry, but I really was shocked), there were 4 Moms who replied saying "yes" they have & encouraged my friend to do the same. One even mentioned where she could buy it and dosing. I chimed in saying "no one I know uses this for their child & that she needs to consult a physician for a diagnosis if the sleep problem really is something that needs to be corrected with drugs." As I write this I'm trying to be calm because the thought of parents experimenting on their children is NOT good parenting (to say the least).

A friend of mine who is a Mom I respect & also a nurse, shared the following two articles with me.  If you take the time to google the use of Melatonin, use with children, etc you will find similar information.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2009/12/post_6.html

www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/940.html

All of you parents out there...GOOD PARENTING IS HARD... The likelihood that your child has some behavioral issue that is so severe that it requires drugs of any kind is not the norm! It is a rare thing.  If you are too tired, too busy, too ignorant, etc to deal with teaching your child healthy sleep patterns then that is your issue, not your childs.  The child depends on the parent to create environments that are stable, healthy, & supportive of healthy patterns...without the worry of being drugged!  I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents "joke" about giving their kid benedryl to get them to relax & fall asleep better! That parents even think along these lines is crazy to me!  A good parent is someone who vigilantly tries every method they know, heard of, researched, and so on before they resort to drugs.  THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF PARENTING...sorry to be the burden of bad news. You made the choice to be a parent (however that choice came about)...bringing a child into your home to love & care for mind, body, & spirit (the whole package).  Be that parent! Do your research, your child's life depends on it.  And SUPER KUDDOS to those of you who work your butt off addressing your child(rens) behavioral issues!

Parenting: the best kept secret

Maybe I just didn't run around with the right crowd when I was first pregnant or maybe the people I did know who were parents just blocked out all the challenges they encountered while parenting (like my own Mother!lol).  Or maybe they couldn't wait to see me flounder just as they had because no one gave them a heads up either as to how difficult it is to parent well...i don't know.  What I do know this tat despite the books and resources out there, parenting is still the best kept secret around!

I remember vividly the things that people told me as I prepared for my first child.  I'm sure some if not all will sound familiar to those who are also parents. Phrases like "Newborns sleep all the time," "Just feed the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry," "Try to sleep when the baby sleeps."  Now that it's been a few years, I can look back and chuckle because these common phrases couldn't be further from the reality I experienced as a first time parent.  My newborn slept an avg of 10 hrs/day. She was referred to as a "wakeful baby" defying all typical newborn sleep patterns until she was about 7months old when something just clicked for her and she began to fit the routine of successful sleepers. 

The idea of sleeping when the baby slept was throw way out of the window! Even when the baby did take regular longer naps that was my time to check in with the rest of the world. As a new Mom I felt disconnected & out of the loop in nearly every aspect of my life prior to having kids. Yeah...no one told me either how lonely it can be being a first time Mom. Not literally lonely, because I'm with the baby, but since baby can't talk back...the middle of the night and the middle of the day (if you stay home) are pretty lonely times.  So when I did "get a break" I made phone calls, checked email, made appts, made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, ATE, went to the bathroom, and so on! I did these things when I "should have been sleeping" according to everyone else because when my baby was awake, I wanted to be fully engaged with her. And considering I have a pretty amazing first born, I'm so glad I didn't sleep my free time away!  Don't get me wrong...new Moms DO NEED SLEEP!  I would encourage new Moms to ask family members & Dad to do the cleaning, make the meals, laundry, & play/attend to the baby. Inviting your extended family community in to assist you is the ideal situation...If only Mom's didn't have to feel the pressure of being perfect in their role!

As for feeding the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry. Didn't you know that babies come with a timer that announces when they are hungry? Its known as a cry but it's also the same alarm for diaper change, boredom, temperature control, sickness and any other need they have.  The fact is that it is difficult for new parents to distinguish the cries. It makes parents question their gut feelings, question their parenting methods, creates frustration due to inability to communicate/desire to fix what's wrong/ & anxiety society puts on parents if heaven forbid your child is fussy in public!  Oh and no one told me that I might need my husband to retrain my child's arms from flailing around during breast feeding! Its really not easy teaching a baby how to eat when it doesn't come "naturally" to either Mom or newborn.

There is so much that parents do not talk about...and every parent has their own "secrets" in terms of what they don't usually share with others (i.e. parents sleeping in their kids bed in order to get the child to fall asleep, taking pictures of poopy underwear- ask me, its no longer a secret!, or how they don't discipline their kids because they just don't know how and are too overwhelmed to ask for help.)

If you are expecting your first child, expect the unexpected! I know so many children with food allergies, learning variations, chronic ear infections, inabilities to breast feed, etc.  These things themselves have nothing to do with whether you are a good parent...however, a good parent will do their best to seek a variety of advice in preparation for their parenting journey!

The truth & nothing but the truth

There is a reason why young children are rarely put on the witness stand. Children have a unique way in which they perceive the world and if you've ever asked a child to describe what they did that day or even a few minutes ago and then you asked them that question again later, you would likely get very different stories much less accurate to what reality would reply if it could. When I was in the second grade we made a "book" that was comprised of daily questions. The students would answer the questions (via learning to write) and draw a picture to go with their response.  One question was this:  What will you be like when you are 40?  My reply was: I will be shopping and drinking tea all day.  Even at that age I had limited concept of how old 40 was/is nor what would be appropriate behaviors for someone of that age.  No one in my family is big into shopping or drinking tea...where the heck did I come up with this response? It makes me laugh even now.

Today I had a dose of my own child's perspective of a particular situation.  We were at a play date with other children who are very familiar with my own and it was a positive experience......until.....one child began to cry and explained to her Mommy that my daughter had hurt her in the back/side.  I asked my daughter to explain what happened.  My daughter said she was no where near the hurt child but ran to her once she heard her cry.  When I asked my daughter "what do you think happened?" She explained that my son had done it! (Which was not true because he was the only child not in the same room as the injured child). I pointed this out, asked my daughter again if she had anything to do with hurting her friend, and she was adamant that she did not. I actually spoke with her about this on the way home from the play date again and she has never changed her story about not hurting the girl.  She did offer some suggestions but finalized with "I don't know how she got hurt." 

Now, while it is unlike my daughter to hurt another child (especially this one who we see so often & get along with)...it is also unlike the injured child to blame her friend for hurting her unless it was true. So, is one child more "right" than the other? There is a fine line...very young children rarely have the ability to just "make up a story" about how they got hurt and yet at some point when they ARE old enough to attempt to explain what happened, their stories are wacky due to their child perspectives.  And at some point as a child grows to an older child they do learn to be more accurate, thorough, and learn the difference between right & wrong.  My child has told non-truths before so I know she is entering the world between knowing right from wrong, however, she doesn't get why not telling the truth is sometimes more "wrong" than had she just fessed up.  In this case though, I am left really wondering.

What can a parent do to encourage telling the truth?  My suggestion is to share with the child the various perspectives in any given scenario.  And that is what I did. I spoke with my daughter about what each of the children may have been doing when the injury occurred, how the injured girl felt, how important it is to apologize if you hurt someone, I even talked with her about what the Mommies may be feeling when one of their kids gets hurt or hurts someone else. Maybe by sharing a broad range of perspectives it frees a child up to understanding the whole picture/situation a little bit clearer than they might have otherwise.
The other peice is letting the child know the types of consequences associated with telling non-truths.

I'm gearing up for many more of these conversations before any of it sinks in and her "child" perspective widens to be more accurate, honest, and insync with reality. This is new territory!

Patience & Perseverance

I cannot say enough about the virtues of patience and perseverance when it comes to parenting!  Every phase of a baby, then child, then young adult all requires immense doses of patience & perseverance on part of the parent(s).  Think about it...your baby is learning everything for the first time...how to swallow, how to sleep, how to go potty on the toilet, use a fork/spoon, hold a cup, how to sleep in various size beds, how to dress, brush teeth...the list is literally endless and I haven't even mentioned how to speak! And so much of this learning is occurring when babies and young toddlers do not know how to communicate (effectively if at all)!  To really put the icing on the cake much of parenting also happens when you are sleep deprived, busier than ever, and never allowed to get sick, all of which is actually the recipe for disaster! And yet we're suppose to dig deep inside for that patience and persevere despite it all!  You can do it! For your sanity's sake and for the general health and success of your child...You NEED to do it!

If you aren't used to taking a step back, examining your actions and how they impact your child, then practicing patience may be a bit more difficult.  Patience is a little bit about taking deep breaths, counting to 10, and even walking away temporarily from a situation before parenting the child again.  Patience is also about giving your child space & time for them to practice stepping back, regrouping, refocusing, as well.  As you become conscious of your abilities to be patient & practice this virtue, then you also are role modeling & teaching it to your child.  You will start to see behavioral changes & an increase in showing appreciation, emotions, and overall enhance communication because you are both taking the time to reflect, assess, reassess, and go forward in a calm, clear, loving manner.

Perseverance is a whole nother ball game. I think most parents "get it" when it comes to being patient with the child.  However, the lack of perseverance among parents is one area that sets the good parent apart from the others.  Yes, I'm talking about the idea of  "try, try again."  You thought getting up a couple times a night to feed the baby was tiring? Ha! Persevering through endless repetitious scenarios that some behavioral issues present day after day after day...now that's perseverance!!  And it is where too many of us "give up" or "give in."  And then it becomes apparent who really runs the household...the baby!  One of the most important thing parents can do (at any time during their parenting career) is to determine how they (the parents) want things to be in their house.  What is acceptable behavior for your child(ren)? Is is acceptable for the child to throw food? Throw their sippy cup? Drop their napkins?  Ok, this is a really basic/simple parenting example but it's also very common and should be "easy" yet I hear parents struggle with these exact issues all the time! Whatever the answer is...as parents you MUST stay strong in your rules/beliefs/standards...it will ultimately form a more respectful child and it creates defined boundaries so that the child no longer has to "test" them due to uncertainty.  If you are not having success with the methods you are trying...do not give up. Instead, ask other parents for advice! While you may feel alone...You are NOT alone! Every parent can relate on some front, only a bunch of them hide that they are struggling ( sarcasm here...that's another blog entry for later). Better you try another way than to hand the reigns over to baby!  Trying to catch a runaway horse is even harder than persevering though the common, basic parenting issues.

Patience and perseverance...you're a better parent for both!

What makes a good parent?

So, you may be wondering what it means (to me) to be "the good parent."  If you're thinking it has something to do with spoiling your child rotten while the "bad parent" does all the discipline, you couldn't be further from the truth!  When I started this blog & decided on a title, I had thought long & hard about what it is that seperates parents from eachother in terms of actual parenting.  Putting "styles" of parenting aside because lets face it, different styles work for different people and for different occassions...and I'm not going to be the one to say a certain style makes for a better parent (althought obviously I have my own style and preferences in terms of parenting.)

Anyone can be a parent....and hopefully you don't need me to explain all the ways in which people can be parents if they chose that road in life!  However, not just anyone can be a good parent and in my opinion very few are great parents. I'll explain later how to be a great parent (which I am not~lol)! 

Anyone can parent....meaning anyone can love a child, feed them, provide for clothing, shelter, toys, an education.  Sadly, even these parenting minimums will ebb & flow in a childs life depending on the choices their parent(s) make or circumstances they cannot escape.

The okay parent. Anyone who is a parent to the child(ren) as described up above and who also has the desire to be a good parent. However, there are more days than not when you long for your life without kids, without the whining, without the added expenses, you also desire the freedoms to come & go as you please without having to think about the needs & wants of another human being, and so on.  Its mostly an attitude thing that is keeping you from being a good parent...not neccessarily your lack of ability or resources to parent well.  As a result of not giving your all, many of your interactions with your child are mediocre, unfulfilling, and routine to say the least.

The good parent. Anyone who has a genuine desire to be a good parent and takes action on a regular basis to make this desire a reality. This parent seeks out ideas, resources, information to assist them in addressing the needs & wants of the child(ren) and implements them.  The good parent is not selfish. There, I said it! The good parent puts the childs needs and wants before their own, and happily does so! The main reason why the good parent is not a great parent is because the good parent, when they are having a bad day, resorts to being an okay parent.  However, this only happens every once & a while!  The good parent is human too!

The great parent.  I don't think I know anyone who is a great parent all the time. I know lots of good parents who have moments being great parents...but who are really mostly good parents.  The Great parent lives for the child, excels in providing for them, teaching them, ensuring they have a fulfilling life experience from all possible angles.  The great parent does not look back, only forward and fully embraces their role as parent. This parent is consistent, balanced, knowledgable, loving even when they are angry, etc... you get the idea. The great parent is whatever the good parent is striving to be "more" like (whatever that is for you).

I am sure as I read back over this blog post I am going to want to change everything about it!  I did not comment on the bad parent because this blog is only about what it means to be a "good" parent...something sandwiched between "okay" and "great."  While being a great parent seems unattainable to the good parent, there really needs to be MORE good parents out there in the world!  It saddens me to think about bad parenting and even okay parenting.  To all you "okay" parents out there... it is a slippery slope to being a bad parent and it is likely you've "gone there" a couple times already.  I beg everyone to join the work towards being a good parent...the rewards are amazing and if you can let go of your self to give to your child (ren) you will see a difference in them as well!  Children learn what they are taught and their behaviors are largely a direct reflection of parenting.

Welcome to The Good Parent

Every since I became a parent nearly 5 years ago, I have been well connected with other parents (mostly Moms) through playgroups, community groups, church groups, and extended family & friends with children. And while I am not one to read much more than the variety of parenting related magazines out there, I believe mostly in parenting from the heart, from the gut instinct, and from plain old acquired good sense! Not to be mistaken for "common sense" because when it comes to parenting, there is rarely one common way of raising children.

Over the past 5 years I have come to be known as someone who many of my "Mom friends" seem to respect especially in terms of my parenting. As such I am regularly consulted with various parenting questions & dilemas regardless of whether I have personally encountered the issue at hand.  For a long time I have considered starting a parenting consulting business (if you will) along the lines of the Super Nanny show on TV.  Something that focuses on assisting parents- first hand- with parenting concerns, behavioral modifications, etc. There is so much information on the internet these days and other advice services that this idea has taken a backseat.  In the meanwhile, I still want to reach parents or prospective parents out there to share my thoughts and actions on being a good parent.

What is a good parent? I'll discuss that sooner than later...but not tonight.

I was approached at a playgroup recently and asked if I had advice about when a child is or claims to be afraid of the dark.  A good parent will assess for themselves the situation as it has presented itself. Is there a unique context in which this behavior is rearing (i.e. a recent move, change from crib to bed, death in family, etc)? Is there a change in bedtime routine? A good parent needs to ask themselves if this is attention seeking behavior or a real grounded fear of the dark?  A good parent will then strategize ways to approach the situation in order to reach a comfortable & healthy outcome.  What is acceptable in your household? Is it ok to have a night light? or leave the door open/closed? Do you permit the child to have toys/stuffed animals in bed or a special blanket? Is your child at an age where you can speak with them about "whats going on" in terms of what they are afraid of? Involve your child in giving them choices for dealing with their expressed fear! They need to feel empowered. What does the child suggest would be a good resolution to fear of the dark? My advice to this parent was to acknowledge the situation but minimize/normalize it so that the child senses from you that "everything will be fine." Acknowledging it shows that you are listening and validating what your child is expressing to you.  This builds trust.  Normalizing it simply means it is an issue that can be resolved and one which many people experience at some point in their lives.  It is okay to be afraid, it is not okay for that fear to rule your life or interfere with healthy sleep patterens.  The good parent will try many things like: laying in bed with the child, lights off, talking about all the things/shadows they see in the room. Then, shift the conversation to happy & familiar thoughts, kiss them goodnight and remind them you will see them in the morning.  Or help the child keep a journal of their day listing out what they liked and disliked. The good parent will try many strategies based on their particular situation because the good parent wants what is best for their child, a healthy view of the world in which they live!