Tonight I want to talk about one of my greatest parenting fears and yet with my luck will end up being something beyond my control (ah, control...something parents struggle with and which I believe a good parent can eventually slowly relinquish with confidence as their child becomes an adult). The fear that my parenting actions will in some way, somehow, scare (as in a deep cut) my children for life! I really am serious but at the same time I can't help but think of one way in which my own Mom "scared me for life." By the way, I consider my Mom a "good parent."
My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried. Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit. As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry. It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev).
This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it." Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.
The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this). My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting! Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!
There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life. A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand. I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together). I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!
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