Friendships

Last night I was watching John Stossels' show which was titled "What you think you know, isn't true." It was a reminder to the wake up call I had about a month ago when I learned that a close friend of mine (one of my "mommy friends": someone I had met once I had my first child) had disclosed that she participated in an alternative lifestyle. I'm not talking about homosexuality for anyone who is wondering and since "her story" isn't mine to tell, I do not plan to do so.  Tonight's blog is about "You think you know someone, but you don't."

Can you imagine...learning something about a close friend that was kept private the entire time you knew them, something that is so much a part of them you would consider it literally part of their culture?  Now, imagine that this part of their life is completely contradictory to how you live your life.  I am still trying to wrap my head around this. I understand why she did not want to disclose this side of her...there is some social taboo involved and thus she may have been afraid to risk friendships, etc. The risk of our friendship now is more from a sense of dishonesty. I wrestle with "I'm glad she trusts me enough to share personal information," to "what else don't I know about her?" to  "Had she shared this information earlier, I likely would not have chosen to maintain a friendship this long." I feel duped over the last 5 yrs. Now that its been shared...what do I do?

I think about my kids...If they came to me with the same dilemma...one of their friends turns out to be someone they aren't sure they want to be hanging around with anymore. I would ask the following questions:
1. Are there identifiable behaviors the friend is engaging in that have changed, that you don't like?
2. Are the behaviors invasive into other aspects of their life (can they be separated out?)
3. Are the behaviors illegal, hurtful, negative, go against your understanding of right from wrong?
4. Did you tell your friend how you feel? what was their reaction?
5. What do you gain from being friends with this person (do they build you up or take you down or neutral)/

It makes me think about those stories on TV about people who live double lives. It never once occurred to me that I would learn something about a close friend that would automatically put our friendship in jeopardy. I've always taken my friendships perhaps more seriously than others, keeping a few friends close and having many acquaintances. When close friends have drifted away, I feel like it hurts me perhaps more than them. I miss them. But its easier to swallow the loss of a friend due to various life circumstances like job changes, moving out of state, etc. It is also easier to explain to a child "We aren't going to go see so & so anymore because..." But its another thing to lose a close friend because you all of a sudden you learn that what you thought you knew about them, wasn't true.

You may be wondering how does all of this relate to parenting? I actually feel as though I've "failed" in terms of making sure that my children have been in the company of others who I believe are good role models.  My kids look to me in terms of which adults to trust...and I, despite other "signs," I sure blew this one! Assuming the friendship with my Mommy-friend and I dissolves, so does the friendships amongst the children involved. My friendships aren't just about woman to woman...but often include that of our kids.  I'll always care about this friend & her family. I'll wish them well & pray from them. At this point in my life though, I need to surround myself with healthy people who share similar personal values. People who I can answer the above 5 questions with confidence knowing my children & I will be better people for having this friend in our lives. This is what I want for my kids and the role modeling begins with me.