It has occurred to me that someone out there who knows me or has stumbled upon this blog may be asking themselves, why is she writing about good parenting?
My last blog was about the fear of scarring my children for life in some way, shape, or form. This one is about the fear that I have for all children's safety and for the general well-being of our society. We have seen increased violence within educational environments over the past (10+ yrs) and I think this is a glaring symptom that something has gone terribly off course in terms of parenting. In fact, I think that good parenting is the key to most of the issues society is facing today. Parents MUST focus on raising good people! What does this mean? It means that parents need to role model things like the golden rule (treat others how you want to be treated), to role model being committed (to your partner, to a career, to spending time with your family), to role model being a participant in the community (volunteering, being neighborly, voting), to role model appropriate behaviors (refrain from cursing & smoking, at least in front of kids, refrain from physical & verbal violent acts, refrain from discrimination), to role model love (showing respect, affection, positive affirmations). These are just examples of what I think parents need to do to help ensure they are creating good children who will one day be adults making decisions & impacting the world. I mean comm'on! I know I'm asking for a lot here but its not like I'm saying that a good parent has to eat certain foods, be a tree hugger, attend a place of worship, provide a zillion toys for the kids, and stay home in order to raise good children. Parents don't actually have to BE perfect...but they should try to be a good role model...for the sake of a healthy society!
So writing about being a good parent is not me on my high horse... Its me doing a very little part in trying to save the world that my children are growing up in so that they are safe to live life, to believe in their dreams, to be innovative & inspiring in hopes of creating a better world instead of the current one that seems more violent than what is necessary.
It is beyond heart breaking for those families who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's child in an instance of school violence. I used to take comfort in believing that 99% of people are "good"...however, I think that percentage has dropped especially if you include our global world.
Just think of the trickle down effect of good parenting! It effects your child's self esteem, relationships they have with others (at school, at work, in public, as part of a team), how they model their family life when the time comes. Of course the main obstacle to good parenting is the parent them self...what baggage do you carry that is impacting your ability to parent well? Something to consider. As parents we reap what we sow. Its not too late to be a good parent, to focus on your child's well being, to teach them to be a good person. Parents ARE changing the world, one child at a time.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The slippery slope, tipping point, fine line.
Tonight I want to talk about one of my greatest parenting fears and yet with my luck will end up being something beyond my control (ah, control...something parents struggle with and which I believe a good parent can eventually slowly relinquish with confidence as their child becomes an adult). The fear that my parenting actions will in some way, somehow, scare (as in a deep cut) my children for life! I really am serious but at the same time I can't help but think of one way in which my own Mom "scared me for life." By the way, I consider my Mom a "good parent."
My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried. Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit. As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry. It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev).
This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it." Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.
The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this). My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting! Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!
There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life. A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand. I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together). I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!
My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried. Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit. As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry. It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev).
This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it." Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.
The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this). My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting! Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!
There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life. A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand. I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together). I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Doing your research
I've been wanting to blog for over a week but with the preparation of my spouse leaving the country on business and my failure to keep bedside notes of ideas to blog about...I am taking a moment tonight to throw this one up here.
It is so important for parents to do their research when making decisions about how to proceed in dealing with/responding to a child's behavior(s). Ok, so it's also important to do your research with a lot of other aspects of child rearing such as in terms of health decisions (to vaccine now or wait or not at all for example), to research the quality of baby products (from detergents to car seats), to researching babysitters & schools and so on. But this blog is about behaviors...sleeping in particular.
I do not know one parent who has not struggled in some aspect when it comes to the topic of children and sleeping. Some parents may not acknowledge their struggle(s) and some resolve/cope with the struggles more quickly & efficient than others, making it seem as if they "hardly had any issues at all." Some parents may have been "lucky" with one child who "was always a good sleeper" but it is likely their second or third child had issues! LOL
About a month ago, I was alarmed by a friend's facebook post about her daughter's difficulty going to bed and staying in bed (or staying asleep). My friend asked in her status whether anyone had ever used Melatonin as a sleep aid for their child. To my horror (sorry, but I really was shocked), there were 4 Moms who replied saying "yes" they have & encouraged my friend to do the same. One even mentioned where she could buy it and dosing. I chimed in saying "no one I know uses this for their child & that she needs to consult a physician for a diagnosis if the sleep problem really is something that needs to be corrected with drugs." As I write this I'm trying to be calm because the thought of parents experimenting on their children is NOT good parenting (to say the least).
A friend of mine who is a Mom I respect & also a nurse, shared the following two articles with me. If you take the time to google the use of Melatonin, use with children, etc you will find similar information.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2009/12/post_6.html
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/940.html
All of you parents out there...GOOD PARENTING IS HARD... The likelihood that your child has some behavioral issue that is so severe that it requires drugs of any kind is not the norm! It is a rare thing. If you are too tired, too busy, too ignorant, etc to deal with teaching your child healthy sleep patterns then that is your issue, not your childs. The child depends on the parent to create environments that are stable, healthy, & supportive of healthy patterns...without the worry of being drugged! I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents "joke" about giving their kid benedryl to get them to relax & fall asleep better! That parents even think along these lines is crazy to me! A good parent is someone who vigilantly tries every method they know, heard of, researched, and so on before they resort to drugs. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF PARENTING...sorry to be the burden of bad news. You made the choice to be a parent (however that choice came about)...bringing a child into your home to love & care for mind, body, & spirit (the whole package). Be that parent! Do your research, your child's life depends on it. And SUPER KUDDOS to those of you who work your butt off addressing your child(rens) behavioral issues!
It is so important for parents to do their research when making decisions about how to proceed in dealing with/responding to a child's behavior(s). Ok, so it's also important to do your research with a lot of other aspects of child rearing such as in terms of health decisions (to vaccine now or wait or not at all for example), to research the quality of baby products (from detergents to car seats), to researching babysitters & schools and so on. But this blog is about behaviors...sleeping in particular.
I do not know one parent who has not struggled in some aspect when it comes to the topic of children and sleeping. Some parents may not acknowledge their struggle(s) and some resolve/cope with the struggles more quickly & efficient than others, making it seem as if they "hardly had any issues at all." Some parents may have been "lucky" with one child who "was always a good sleeper" but it is likely their second or third child had issues! LOL
About a month ago, I was alarmed by a friend's facebook post about her daughter's difficulty going to bed and staying in bed (or staying asleep). My friend asked in her status whether anyone had ever used Melatonin as a sleep aid for their child. To my horror (sorry, but I really was shocked), there were 4 Moms who replied saying "yes" they have & encouraged my friend to do the same. One even mentioned where she could buy it and dosing. I chimed in saying "no one I know uses this for their child & that she needs to consult a physician for a diagnosis if the sleep problem really is something that needs to be corrected with drugs." As I write this I'm trying to be calm because the thought of parents experimenting on their children is NOT good parenting (to say the least).
A friend of mine who is a Mom I respect & also a nurse, shared the following two articles with me. If you take the time to google the use of Melatonin, use with children, etc you will find similar information.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2009/12/post_6.html
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/940.html
All of you parents out there...GOOD PARENTING IS HARD... The likelihood that your child has some behavioral issue that is so severe that it requires drugs of any kind is not the norm! It is a rare thing. If you are too tired, too busy, too ignorant, etc to deal with teaching your child healthy sleep patterns then that is your issue, not your childs. The child depends on the parent to create environments that are stable, healthy, & supportive of healthy patterns...without the worry of being drugged! I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents "joke" about giving their kid benedryl to get them to relax & fall asleep better! That parents even think along these lines is crazy to me! A good parent is someone who vigilantly tries every method they know, heard of, researched, and so on before they resort to drugs. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF PARENTING...sorry to be the burden of bad news. You made the choice to be a parent (however that choice came about)...bringing a child into your home to love & care for mind, body, & spirit (the whole package). Be that parent! Do your research, your child's life depends on it. And SUPER KUDDOS to those of you who work your butt off addressing your child(rens) behavioral issues!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Parenting: the best kept secret
Maybe I just didn't run around with the right crowd when I was first pregnant or maybe the people I did know who were parents just blocked out all the challenges they encountered while parenting (like my own Mother!lol). Or maybe they couldn't wait to see me flounder just as they had because no one gave them a heads up either as to how difficult it is to parent well...i don't know. What I do know this tat despite the books and resources out there, parenting is still the best kept secret around!
I remember vividly the things that people told me as I prepared for my first child. I'm sure some if not all will sound familiar to those who are also parents. Phrases like "Newborns sleep all the time," "Just feed the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry," "Try to sleep when the baby sleeps." Now that it's been a few years, I can look back and chuckle because these common phrases couldn't be further from the reality I experienced as a first time parent. My newborn slept an avg of 10 hrs/day. She was referred to as a "wakeful baby" defying all typical newborn sleep patterns until she was about 7months old when something just clicked for her and she began to fit the routine of successful sleepers.
The idea of sleeping when the baby slept was throw way out of the window! Even when the baby did take regular longer naps that was my time to check in with the rest of the world. As a new Mom I felt disconnected & out of the loop in nearly every aspect of my life prior to having kids. Yeah...no one told me either how lonely it can be being a first time Mom. Not literally lonely, because I'm with the baby, but since baby can't talk back...the middle of the night and the middle of the day (if you stay home) are pretty lonely times. So when I did "get a break" I made phone calls, checked email, made appts, made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, ATE, went to the bathroom, and so on! I did these things when I "should have been sleeping" according to everyone else because when my baby was awake, I wanted to be fully engaged with her. And considering I have a pretty amazing first born, I'm so glad I didn't sleep my free time away! Don't get me wrong...new Moms DO NEED SLEEP! I would encourage new Moms to ask family members & Dad to do the cleaning, make the meals, laundry, & play/attend to the baby. Inviting your extended family community in to assist you is the ideal situation...If only Mom's didn't have to feel the pressure of being perfect in their role!
As for feeding the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry. Didn't you know that babies come with a timer that announces when they are hungry? Its known as a cry but it's also the same alarm for diaper change, boredom, temperature control, sickness and any other need they have. The fact is that it is difficult for new parents to distinguish the cries. It makes parents question their gut feelings, question their parenting methods, creates frustration due to inability to communicate/desire to fix what's wrong/ & anxiety society puts on parents if heaven forbid your child is fussy in public! Oh and no one told me that I might need my husband to retrain my child's arms from flailing around during breast feeding! Its really not easy teaching a baby how to eat when it doesn't come "naturally" to either Mom or newborn.
There is so much that parents do not talk about...and every parent has their own "secrets" in terms of what they don't usually share with others (i.e. parents sleeping in their kids bed in order to get the child to fall asleep, taking pictures of poopy underwear- ask me, its no longer a secret!, or how they don't discipline their kids because they just don't know how and are too overwhelmed to ask for help.)
If you are expecting your first child, expect the unexpected! I know so many children with food allergies, learning variations, chronic ear infections, inabilities to breast feed, etc. These things themselves have nothing to do with whether you are a good parent...however, a good parent will do their best to seek a variety of advice in preparation for their parenting journey!
I remember vividly the things that people told me as I prepared for my first child. I'm sure some if not all will sound familiar to those who are also parents. Phrases like "Newborns sleep all the time," "Just feed the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry," "Try to sleep when the baby sleeps." Now that it's been a few years, I can look back and chuckle because these common phrases couldn't be further from the reality I experienced as a first time parent. My newborn slept an avg of 10 hrs/day. She was referred to as a "wakeful baby" defying all typical newborn sleep patterns until she was about 7months old when something just clicked for her and she began to fit the routine of successful sleepers.
The idea of sleeping when the baby slept was throw way out of the window! Even when the baby did take regular longer naps that was my time to check in with the rest of the world. As a new Mom I felt disconnected & out of the loop in nearly every aspect of my life prior to having kids. Yeah...no one told me either how lonely it can be being a first time Mom. Not literally lonely, because I'm with the baby, but since baby can't talk back...the middle of the night and the middle of the day (if you stay home) are pretty lonely times. So when I did "get a break" I made phone calls, checked email, made appts, made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, ATE, went to the bathroom, and so on! I did these things when I "should have been sleeping" according to everyone else because when my baby was awake, I wanted to be fully engaged with her. And considering I have a pretty amazing first born, I'm so glad I didn't sleep my free time away! Don't get me wrong...new Moms DO NEED SLEEP! I would encourage new Moms to ask family members & Dad to do the cleaning, make the meals, laundry, & play/attend to the baby. Inviting your extended family community in to assist you is the ideal situation...If only Mom's didn't have to feel the pressure of being perfect in their role!
As for feeding the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry. Didn't you know that babies come with a timer that announces when they are hungry? Its known as a cry but it's also the same alarm for diaper change, boredom, temperature control, sickness and any other need they have. The fact is that it is difficult for new parents to distinguish the cries. It makes parents question their gut feelings, question their parenting methods, creates frustration due to inability to communicate/desire to fix what's wrong/ & anxiety society puts on parents if heaven forbid your child is fussy in public! Oh and no one told me that I might need my husband to retrain my child's arms from flailing around during breast feeding! Its really not easy teaching a baby how to eat when it doesn't come "naturally" to either Mom or newborn.
There is so much that parents do not talk about...and every parent has their own "secrets" in terms of what they don't usually share with others (i.e. parents sleeping in their kids bed in order to get the child to fall asleep, taking pictures of poopy underwear- ask me, its no longer a secret!, or how they don't discipline their kids because they just don't know how and are too overwhelmed to ask for help.)
If you are expecting your first child, expect the unexpected! I know so many children with food allergies, learning variations, chronic ear infections, inabilities to breast feed, etc. These things themselves have nothing to do with whether you are a good parent...however, a good parent will do their best to seek a variety of advice in preparation for their parenting journey!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The truth & nothing but the truth
There is a reason why young children are rarely put on the witness stand. Children have a unique way in which they perceive the world and if you've ever asked a child to describe what they did that day or even a few minutes ago and then you asked them that question again later, you would likely get very different stories much less accurate to what reality would reply if it could. When I was in the second grade we made a "book" that was comprised of daily questions. The students would answer the questions (via learning to write) and draw a picture to go with their response. One question was this: What will you be like when you are 40? My reply was: I will be shopping and drinking tea all day. Even at that age I had limited concept of how old 40 was/is nor what would be appropriate behaviors for someone of that age. No one in my family is big into shopping or drinking tea...where the heck did I come up with this response? It makes me laugh even now.
Today I had a dose of my own child's perspective of a particular situation. We were at a play date with other children who are very familiar with my own and it was a positive experience......until.....one child began to cry and explained to her Mommy that my daughter had hurt her in the back/side. I asked my daughter to explain what happened. My daughter said she was no where near the hurt child but ran to her once she heard her cry. When I asked my daughter "what do you think happened?" She explained that my son had done it! (Which was not true because he was the only child not in the same room as the injured child). I pointed this out, asked my daughter again if she had anything to do with hurting her friend, and she was adamant that she did not. I actually spoke with her about this on the way home from the play date again and she has never changed her story about not hurting the girl. She did offer some suggestions but finalized with "I don't know how she got hurt."
Now, while it is unlike my daughter to hurt another child (especially this one who we see so often & get along with)...it is also unlike the injured child to blame her friend for hurting her unless it was true. So, is one child more "right" than the other? There is a fine line...very young children rarely have the ability to just "make up a story" about how they got hurt and yet at some point when they ARE old enough to attempt to explain what happened, their stories are wacky due to their child perspectives. And at some point as a child grows to an older child they do learn to be more accurate, thorough, and learn the difference between right & wrong. My child has told non-truths before so I know she is entering the world between knowing right from wrong, however, she doesn't get why not telling the truth is sometimes more "wrong" than had she just fessed up. In this case though, I am left really wondering.
What can a parent do to encourage telling the truth? My suggestion is to share with the child the various perspectives in any given scenario. And that is what I did. I spoke with my daughter about what each of the children may have been doing when the injury occurred, how the injured girl felt, how important it is to apologize if you hurt someone, I even talked with her about what the Mommies may be feeling when one of their kids gets hurt or hurts someone else. Maybe by sharing a broad range of perspectives it frees a child up to understanding the whole picture/situation a little bit clearer than they might have otherwise.
The other peice is letting the child know the types of consequences associated with telling non-truths.
I'm gearing up for many more of these conversations before any of it sinks in and her "child" perspective widens to be more accurate, honest, and insync with reality. This is new territory!
Today I had a dose of my own child's perspective of a particular situation. We were at a play date with other children who are very familiar with my own and it was a positive experience......until.....one child began to cry and explained to her Mommy that my daughter had hurt her in the back/side. I asked my daughter to explain what happened. My daughter said she was no where near the hurt child but ran to her once she heard her cry. When I asked my daughter "what do you think happened?" She explained that my son had done it! (Which was not true because he was the only child not in the same room as the injured child). I pointed this out, asked my daughter again if she had anything to do with hurting her friend, and she was adamant that she did not. I actually spoke with her about this on the way home from the play date again and she has never changed her story about not hurting the girl. She did offer some suggestions but finalized with "I don't know how she got hurt."
Now, while it is unlike my daughter to hurt another child (especially this one who we see so often & get along with)...it is also unlike the injured child to blame her friend for hurting her unless it was true. So, is one child more "right" than the other? There is a fine line...very young children rarely have the ability to just "make up a story" about how they got hurt and yet at some point when they ARE old enough to attempt to explain what happened, their stories are wacky due to their child perspectives. And at some point as a child grows to an older child they do learn to be more accurate, thorough, and learn the difference between right & wrong. My child has told non-truths before so I know she is entering the world between knowing right from wrong, however, she doesn't get why not telling the truth is sometimes more "wrong" than had she just fessed up. In this case though, I am left really wondering.
What can a parent do to encourage telling the truth? My suggestion is to share with the child the various perspectives in any given scenario. And that is what I did. I spoke with my daughter about what each of the children may have been doing when the injury occurred, how the injured girl felt, how important it is to apologize if you hurt someone, I even talked with her about what the Mommies may be feeling when one of their kids gets hurt or hurts someone else. Maybe by sharing a broad range of perspectives it frees a child up to understanding the whole picture/situation a little bit clearer than they might have otherwise.
The other peice is letting the child know the types of consequences associated with telling non-truths.
I'm gearing up for many more of these conversations before any of it sinks in and her "child" perspective widens to be more accurate, honest, and insync with reality. This is new territory!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Patience & Perseverance
I cannot say enough about the virtues of patience and perseverance when it comes to parenting! Every phase of a baby, then child, then young adult all requires immense doses of patience & perseverance on part of the parent(s). Think about it...your baby is learning everything for the first time...how to swallow, how to sleep, how to go potty on the toilet, use a fork/spoon, hold a cup, how to sleep in various size beds, how to dress, brush teeth...the list is literally endless and I haven't even mentioned how to speak! And so much of this learning is occurring when babies and young toddlers do not know how to communicate (effectively if at all)! To really put the icing on the cake much of parenting also happens when you are sleep deprived, busier than ever, and never allowed to get sick, all of which is actually the recipe for disaster! And yet we're suppose to dig deep inside for that patience and persevere despite it all! You can do it! For your sanity's sake and for the general health and success of your child...You NEED to do it!
If you aren't used to taking a step back, examining your actions and how they impact your child, then practicing patience may be a bit more difficult. Patience is a little bit about taking deep breaths, counting to 10, and even walking away temporarily from a situation before parenting the child again. Patience is also about giving your child space & time for them to practice stepping back, regrouping, refocusing, as well. As you become conscious of your abilities to be patient & practice this virtue, then you also are role modeling & teaching it to your child. You will start to see behavioral changes & an increase in showing appreciation, emotions, and overall enhance communication because you are both taking the time to reflect, assess, reassess, and go forward in a calm, clear, loving manner.
Perseverance is a whole nother ball game. I think most parents "get it" when it comes to being patient with the child. However, the lack of perseverance among parents is one area that sets the good parent apart from the others. Yes, I'm talking about the idea of "try, try again." You thought getting up a couple times a night to feed the baby was tiring? Ha! Persevering through endless repetitious scenarios that some behavioral issues present day after day after day...now that's perseverance!! And it is where too many of us "give up" or "give in." And then it becomes apparent who really runs the household...the baby! One of the most important thing parents can do (at any time during their parenting career) is to determine how they (the parents) want things to be in their house. What is acceptable behavior for your child(ren)? Is is acceptable for the child to throw food? Throw their sippy cup? Drop their napkins? Ok, this is a really basic/simple parenting example but it's also very common and should be "easy" yet I hear parents struggle with these exact issues all the time! Whatever the answer is...as parents you MUST stay strong in your rules/beliefs/standards...it will ultimately form a more respectful child and it creates defined boundaries so that the child no longer has to "test" them due to uncertainty. If you are not having success with the methods you are trying...do not give up. Instead, ask other parents for advice! While you may feel alone...You are NOT alone! Every parent can relate on some front, only a bunch of them hide that they are struggling ( sarcasm here...that's another blog entry for later). Better you try another way than to hand the reigns over to baby! Trying to catch a runaway horse is even harder than persevering though the common, basic parenting issues.
Patience and perseverance...you're a better parent for both!
If you aren't used to taking a step back, examining your actions and how they impact your child, then practicing patience may be a bit more difficult. Patience is a little bit about taking deep breaths, counting to 10, and even walking away temporarily from a situation before parenting the child again. Patience is also about giving your child space & time for them to practice stepping back, regrouping, refocusing, as well. As you become conscious of your abilities to be patient & practice this virtue, then you also are role modeling & teaching it to your child. You will start to see behavioral changes & an increase in showing appreciation, emotions, and overall enhance communication because you are both taking the time to reflect, assess, reassess, and go forward in a calm, clear, loving manner.
Perseverance is a whole nother ball game. I think most parents "get it" when it comes to being patient with the child. However, the lack of perseverance among parents is one area that sets the good parent apart from the others. Yes, I'm talking about the idea of "try, try again." You thought getting up a couple times a night to feed the baby was tiring? Ha! Persevering through endless repetitious scenarios that some behavioral issues present day after day after day...now that's perseverance!! And it is where too many of us "give up" or "give in." And then it becomes apparent who really runs the household...the baby! One of the most important thing parents can do (at any time during their parenting career) is to determine how they (the parents) want things to be in their house. What is acceptable behavior for your child(ren)? Is is acceptable for the child to throw food? Throw their sippy cup? Drop their napkins? Ok, this is a really basic/simple parenting example but it's also very common and should be "easy" yet I hear parents struggle with these exact issues all the time! Whatever the answer is...as parents you MUST stay strong in your rules/beliefs/standards...it will ultimately form a more respectful child and it creates defined boundaries so that the child no longer has to "test" them due to uncertainty. If you are not having success with the methods you are trying...do not give up. Instead, ask other parents for advice! While you may feel alone...You are NOT alone! Every parent can relate on some front, only a bunch of them hide that they are struggling ( sarcasm here...that's another blog entry for later). Better you try another way than to hand the reigns over to baby! Trying to catch a runaway horse is even harder than persevering though the common, basic parenting issues.
Patience and perseverance...you're a better parent for both!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
What makes a good parent?
So, you may be wondering what it means (to me) to be "the good parent." If you're thinking it has something to do with spoiling your child rotten while the "bad parent" does all the discipline, you couldn't be further from the truth! When I started this blog & decided on a title, I had thought long & hard about what it is that seperates parents from eachother in terms of actual parenting. Putting "styles" of parenting aside because lets face it, different styles work for different people and for different occassions...and I'm not going to be the one to say a certain style makes for a better parent (althought obviously I have my own style and preferences in terms of parenting.)
Anyone can be a parent....and hopefully you don't need me to explain all the ways in which people can be parents if they chose that road in life! However, not just anyone can be a good parent and in my opinion very few are great parents. I'll explain later how to be a great parent (which I am not~lol)!
Anyone can parent....meaning anyone can love a child, feed them, provide for clothing, shelter, toys, an education. Sadly, even these parenting minimums will ebb & flow in a childs life depending on the choices their parent(s) make or circumstances they cannot escape.
The okay parent. Anyone who is a parent to the child(ren) as described up above and who also has the desire to be a good parent. However, there are more days than not when you long for your life without kids, without the whining, without the added expenses, you also desire the freedoms to come & go as you please without having to think about the needs & wants of another human being, and so on. Its mostly an attitude thing that is keeping you from being a good parent...not neccessarily your lack of ability or resources to parent well. As a result of not giving your all, many of your interactions with your child are mediocre, unfulfilling, and routine to say the least.
The good parent. Anyone who has a genuine desire to be a good parent and takes action on a regular basis to make this desire a reality. This parent seeks out ideas, resources, information to assist them in addressing the needs & wants of the child(ren) and implements them. The good parent is not selfish. There, I said it! The good parent puts the childs needs and wants before their own, and happily does so! The main reason why the good parent is not a great parent is because the good parent, when they are having a bad day, resorts to being an okay parent. However, this only happens every once & a while! The good parent is human too!
The great parent. I don't think I know anyone who is a great parent all the time. I know lots of good parents who have moments being great parents...but who are really mostly good parents. The Great parent lives for the child, excels in providing for them, teaching them, ensuring they have a fulfilling life experience from all possible angles. The great parent does not look back, only forward and fully embraces their role as parent. This parent is consistent, balanced, knowledgable, loving even when they are angry, etc... you get the idea. The great parent is whatever the good parent is striving to be "more" like (whatever that is for you).
I am sure as I read back over this blog post I am going to want to change everything about it! I did not comment on the bad parent because this blog is only about what it means to be a "good" parent...something sandwiched between "okay" and "great." While being a great parent seems unattainable to the good parent, there really needs to be MORE good parents out there in the world! It saddens me to think about bad parenting and even okay parenting. To all you "okay" parents out there... it is a slippery slope to being a bad parent and it is likely you've "gone there" a couple times already. I beg everyone to join the work towards being a good parent...the rewards are amazing and if you can let go of your self to give to your child (ren) you will see a difference in them as well! Children learn what they are taught and their behaviors are largely a direct reflection of parenting.
Anyone can be a parent....and hopefully you don't need me to explain all the ways in which people can be parents if they chose that road in life! However, not just anyone can be a good parent and in my opinion very few are great parents. I'll explain later how to be a great parent (which I am not~lol)!
Anyone can parent....meaning anyone can love a child, feed them, provide for clothing, shelter, toys, an education. Sadly, even these parenting minimums will ebb & flow in a childs life depending on the choices their parent(s) make or circumstances they cannot escape.
The okay parent. Anyone who is a parent to the child(ren) as described up above and who also has the desire to be a good parent. However, there are more days than not when you long for your life without kids, without the whining, without the added expenses, you also desire the freedoms to come & go as you please without having to think about the needs & wants of another human being, and so on. Its mostly an attitude thing that is keeping you from being a good parent...not neccessarily your lack of ability or resources to parent well. As a result of not giving your all, many of your interactions with your child are mediocre, unfulfilling, and routine to say the least.
The good parent. Anyone who has a genuine desire to be a good parent and takes action on a regular basis to make this desire a reality. This parent seeks out ideas, resources, information to assist them in addressing the needs & wants of the child(ren) and implements them. The good parent is not selfish. There, I said it! The good parent puts the childs needs and wants before their own, and happily does so! The main reason why the good parent is not a great parent is because the good parent, when they are having a bad day, resorts to being an okay parent. However, this only happens every once & a while! The good parent is human too!
The great parent. I don't think I know anyone who is a great parent all the time. I know lots of good parents who have moments being great parents...but who are really mostly good parents. The Great parent lives for the child, excels in providing for them, teaching them, ensuring they have a fulfilling life experience from all possible angles. The great parent does not look back, only forward and fully embraces their role as parent. This parent is consistent, balanced, knowledgable, loving even when they are angry, etc... you get the idea. The great parent is whatever the good parent is striving to be "more" like (whatever that is for you).
I am sure as I read back over this blog post I am going to want to change everything about it! I did not comment on the bad parent because this blog is only about what it means to be a "good" parent...something sandwiched between "okay" and "great." While being a great parent seems unattainable to the good parent, there really needs to be MORE good parents out there in the world! It saddens me to think about bad parenting and even okay parenting. To all you "okay" parents out there... it is a slippery slope to being a bad parent and it is likely you've "gone there" a couple times already. I beg everyone to join the work towards being a good parent...the rewards are amazing and if you can let go of your self to give to your child (ren) you will see a difference in them as well! Children learn what they are taught and their behaviors are largely a direct reflection of parenting.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Welcome to The Good Parent
Every since I became a parent nearly 5 years ago, I have been well connected with other parents (mostly Moms) through playgroups, community groups, church groups, and extended family & friends with children. And while I am not one to read much more than the variety of parenting related magazines out there, I believe mostly in parenting from the heart, from the gut instinct, and from plain old acquired good sense! Not to be mistaken for "common sense" because when it comes to parenting, there is rarely one common way of raising children.
Over the past 5 years I have come to be known as someone who many of my "Mom friends" seem to respect especially in terms of my parenting. As such I am regularly consulted with various parenting questions & dilemas regardless of whether I have personally encountered the issue at hand. For a long time I have considered starting a parenting consulting business (if you will) along the lines of the Super Nanny show on TV. Something that focuses on assisting parents- first hand- with parenting concerns, behavioral modifications, etc. There is so much information on the internet these days and other advice services that this idea has taken a backseat. In the meanwhile, I still want to reach parents or prospective parents out there to share my thoughts and actions on being a good parent.
What is a good parent? I'll discuss that sooner than later...but not tonight.
I was approached at a playgroup recently and asked if I had advice about when a child is or claims to be afraid of the dark. A good parent will assess for themselves the situation as it has presented itself. Is there a unique context in which this behavior is rearing (i.e. a recent move, change from crib to bed, death in family, etc)? Is there a change in bedtime routine? A good parent needs to ask themselves if this is attention seeking behavior or a real grounded fear of the dark? A good parent will then strategize ways to approach the situation in order to reach a comfortable & healthy outcome. What is acceptable in your household? Is it ok to have a night light? or leave the door open/closed? Do you permit the child to have toys/stuffed animals in bed or a special blanket? Is your child at an age where you can speak with them about "whats going on" in terms of what they are afraid of? Involve your child in giving them choices for dealing with their expressed fear! They need to feel empowered. What does the child suggest would be a good resolution to fear of the dark? My advice to this parent was to acknowledge the situation but minimize/normalize it so that the child senses from you that "everything will be fine." Acknowledging it shows that you are listening and validating what your child is expressing to you. This builds trust. Normalizing it simply means it is an issue that can be resolved and one which many people experience at some point in their lives. It is okay to be afraid, it is not okay for that fear to rule your life or interfere with healthy sleep patterens. The good parent will try many things like: laying in bed with the child, lights off, talking about all the things/shadows they see in the room. Then, shift the conversation to happy & familiar thoughts, kiss them goodnight and remind them you will see them in the morning. Or help the child keep a journal of their day listing out what they liked and disliked. The good parent will try many strategies based on their particular situation because the good parent wants what is best for their child, a healthy view of the world in which they live!
Over the past 5 years I have come to be known as someone who many of my "Mom friends" seem to respect especially in terms of my parenting. As such I am regularly consulted with various parenting questions & dilemas regardless of whether I have personally encountered the issue at hand. For a long time I have considered starting a parenting consulting business (if you will) along the lines of the Super Nanny show on TV. Something that focuses on assisting parents- first hand- with parenting concerns, behavioral modifications, etc. There is so much information on the internet these days and other advice services that this idea has taken a backseat. In the meanwhile, I still want to reach parents or prospective parents out there to share my thoughts and actions on being a good parent.
What is a good parent? I'll discuss that sooner than later...but not tonight.
I was approached at a playgroup recently and asked if I had advice about when a child is or claims to be afraid of the dark. A good parent will assess for themselves the situation as it has presented itself. Is there a unique context in which this behavior is rearing (i.e. a recent move, change from crib to bed, death in family, etc)? Is there a change in bedtime routine? A good parent needs to ask themselves if this is attention seeking behavior or a real grounded fear of the dark? A good parent will then strategize ways to approach the situation in order to reach a comfortable & healthy outcome. What is acceptable in your household? Is it ok to have a night light? or leave the door open/closed? Do you permit the child to have toys/stuffed animals in bed or a special blanket? Is your child at an age where you can speak with them about "whats going on" in terms of what they are afraid of? Involve your child in giving them choices for dealing with their expressed fear! They need to feel empowered. What does the child suggest would be a good resolution to fear of the dark? My advice to this parent was to acknowledge the situation but minimize/normalize it so that the child senses from you that "everything will be fine." Acknowledging it shows that you are listening and validating what your child is expressing to you. This builds trust. Normalizing it simply means it is an issue that can be resolved and one which many people experience at some point in their lives. It is okay to be afraid, it is not okay for that fear to rule your life or interfere with healthy sleep patterens. The good parent will try many things like: laying in bed with the child, lights off, talking about all the things/shadows they see in the room. Then, shift the conversation to happy & familiar thoughts, kiss them goodnight and remind them you will see them in the morning. Or help the child keep a journal of their day listing out what they liked and disliked. The good parent will try many strategies based on their particular situation because the good parent wants what is best for their child, a healthy view of the world in which they live!
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