This post may apply mostly to stay at home parents because its the perspective that I personally experience, though I am certain that all parents have had twinges if not been completely overwhelmed by the "G" factor...GUILT! I don't know any parent who hasn't experienced feelings of guilt at one point or another during their journey through parenthood. The "G" factor is one feeling I certainly could live more without! Its not necessary and it can hold a person back from their potential if it is not understood!
A working parent may be feeling guilty for missing some of those child developmental milestones or maybe feel guilt because they really do enjoy being at work more than the day to day routine of hanging out with their kid(s). As a stay at home parent, my guilt comes in the form of "My job is to care for you, play with you, teach you, etc but I also need make your lunch so you can eat, do the laundry so you have clean clothes, clean the pool so you can swim in it, etc." Basically a tug of war over the literal time I spend with my kids and the time necessary to prepare us to spend time together.
Its funny because I do not feel guilty about taking a break, which usually consists of going to the bathroom, taking a shower, and checking my facebook msgs throughout the day. Every couple hours my mind needs to check out for a few minutes. Just as my kids need to have quiet time, I need my quiet moments too. Its easy to explain to the kids "Mommy needs a break, we've been playing candy land for an hour!" However, it seems harder for them to understand that when I'm not "on break" I also have to do chores around the house, see to setting up doct appts, addressing needs with my community Mom's group, etc. This parenting "job" is more than just the actual time spent engaging with the kids.
My heart just crumbles when I hear my daughter say "Mom you haven't played with me all day!" Of course the entire day was spent with each other, eating breakfast together at the dinner table without distractions of tv, cell phones, etc. Followed by trip to aquarium. Followed by pic nic lunch. Followed by quiet time. Followed by trip to grocery store. Followed by making pizza together & eating at the dinner table together again without distractions...at which time she tells me I haven't played with her all day! That's when the guilt sets in for me! I try to explain that not EVERY day can be spent playing dolls or legos and that by us doing things together we are learning & creating memories beyond just playing.
Yeah...she doesn't care...she just wants me to play with her as much as possible! My kids are "my boss" in a way. I work for them. They have a vision of how the work day should go...and I have my vision which does try to take into account the bosses vision!!! But I can't evade the "G" factor when another day passes and I haven't met my kids expectations of spending time together. I am trying to find the win-win solution. Each day I try to spend time with the kids playing something they are EACH interested in playing and when my youngest naps, I give an hour undivided attention to my oldest. They we can spend the other 1/2 of the day running errands, play dates, or an outing to benefit the kids. It makes for well organized & packed day but it is these days that I find my kids fight less, they are more inclined to play independently when needed, go to sleep at the end of the day with less resistance, etc. Spending that literal quality time cannot be beat! The "G" factor creeps in because I am actually the one who is learning to be "okay" with knowing EVERY day cannot be spent playing dolls or legos. I wish I didn't have to do this other stuff! I would love nothing more than to be engaged with my kids all day...what a wonderful life! My guilt comes from the reality of knowing someone has to cook, clean, prepare, etc and that someone is also ME.
Take time to explore your feelings of guilt related to parenting. What is the guilt about? What triggers it? Why do you think that is so? What can you do to minimize or delete it altogether? The Good Parent is going to take time to understand what is holding them back from fulfilling their vision of parenthood and the vision their children have of life spent with their parents.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
5 tips for new parents
There are many people I know who had or are having their first child this year. Congratulations on parenthood! I said in an earlier entry that parenthood is the best kept secret because it really is full of wonder...not just about the cutest bundle of joy in the world but also the wonderment of how you can be physically, mentally, & emotionally pushed to the limits AND STILL manage to function! Amazingly though parents end up surviving and some go on to go through it all over again!
Some thoughts for new parents:
1. If you have a partner or a family member who is with you, devise a schedule to divide up the care of the baby. Even it if it is into 1/2 hour increments (you care for baby for 30 min then your spouse does and so on) or chunk it into larger time slots if that works. This way, you WILL find time to take a shower or make a phone call or heaven forbid, lay down and close your eyes! This works for breast feeding moms too so there's no excuses! And if you are really lucky, baby will be sleeping during your 30minute time slot so then it's like getting a whole hour to take care of other things on your mind!
2. After those first couple weeks...go back to living your normal life before you forget what that was like! Its ok to take your baby everywhere you go. Get out of the house! This is usually the only time strangers will sympathize with you when baby cries or you look a mess. You can say "I"m a new Mom, I just gave birth." Everyone will "oooh" and "aahhh" and forget all about how you look or what disturbance was originally being caused! This will NOT be the case when the child is a year old...then they judge. But for now, go do what you gotta do!
3. Do not turn down help! If a friend says "hey can I bring you dinner?" Your reply should immediately be "Yes, that would be awesome, what night?" If someone else says "Do you need any help about the house?" Your reply should be "Yes, we need our yard mowed & bathrooms done...would you mind doing either of these?" Take people up on their offers AND give them direction on how they can help/where you need help. They aren't mind readers...they've just "been there" so to speak...they know you'd love the help & are offering. Help them follow through so as to make your life- in that moment- easier! This too will not last! No matter how dear your friends are, I guarantee that a year from now they will not be offering to cook & clean for your family!
4. Find a "moms" group, a book club, or a playgroup made up of other parents. Maybe you know a few people who already have kids and maybe you think you know it all already! You don't! Connecting with other NEW parents in particular will help "check & balance" your own experiences, unlike "books" about child development. And since parenthood experiences are so varied you will certainly learn new strategies to relating with your child. You can wait til your child is 1 or older...but why? Some of my most cherished relationships were made when my daughter was four months old or should I say, I was only 4 months into this parenting gig!
5. Lastly, do your best to remember to praise your partner/spouse of their role with parenting or with working, or keeping the house up, etc. You spend every waking moment showing love & attention on this new addition that it is VERY easy to forget to shower love on your closest loved one! Find the energy in you to say "thank you" when he/she does even the most mundane tasks! If you used to give your spouse a back rub once in a while, take a moment to do it again. Even a few minutes will help remind him that you care of his well being too.
Good luck all you Momma & Poppas! You're on an amazing and difficult journey but it will all be worth it as you go along (not just in the end). With these tips you'll be well on your way to becoming a Good parent as well as someone who hasn't completely lost sight of who they are & their relationship with their partner!
Some thoughts for new parents:
1. If you have a partner or a family member who is with you, devise a schedule to divide up the care of the baby. Even it if it is into 1/2 hour increments (you care for baby for 30 min then your spouse does and so on) or chunk it into larger time slots if that works. This way, you WILL find time to take a shower or make a phone call or heaven forbid, lay down and close your eyes! This works for breast feeding moms too so there's no excuses! And if you are really lucky, baby will be sleeping during your 30minute time slot so then it's like getting a whole hour to take care of other things on your mind!
2. After those first couple weeks...go back to living your normal life before you forget what that was like! Its ok to take your baby everywhere you go. Get out of the house! This is usually the only time strangers will sympathize with you when baby cries or you look a mess. You can say "I"m a new Mom, I just gave birth." Everyone will "oooh" and "aahhh" and forget all about how you look or what disturbance was originally being caused! This will NOT be the case when the child is a year old...then they judge. But for now, go do what you gotta do!
3. Do not turn down help! If a friend says "hey can I bring you dinner?" Your reply should immediately be "Yes, that would be awesome, what night?" If someone else says "Do you need any help about the house?" Your reply should be "Yes, we need our yard mowed & bathrooms done...would you mind doing either of these?" Take people up on their offers AND give them direction on how they can help/where you need help. They aren't mind readers...they've just "been there" so to speak...they know you'd love the help & are offering. Help them follow through so as to make your life- in that moment- easier! This too will not last! No matter how dear your friends are, I guarantee that a year from now they will not be offering to cook & clean for your family!
4. Find a "moms" group, a book club, or a playgroup made up of other parents. Maybe you know a few people who already have kids and maybe you think you know it all already! You don't! Connecting with other NEW parents in particular will help "check & balance" your own experiences, unlike "books" about child development. And since parenthood experiences are so varied you will certainly learn new strategies to relating with your child. You can wait til your child is 1 or older...but why? Some of my most cherished relationships were made when my daughter was four months old or should I say, I was only 4 months into this parenting gig!
5. Lastly, do your best to remember to praise your partner/spouse of their role with parenting or with working, or keeping the house up, etc. You spend every waking moment showing love & attention on this new addition that it is VERY easy to forget to shower love on your closest loved one! Find the energy in you to say "thank you" when he/she does even the most mundane tasks! If you used to give your spouse a back rub once in a while, take a moment to do it again. Even a few minutes will help remind him that you care of his well being too.
Good luck all you Momma & Poppas! You're on an amazing and difficult journey but it will all be worth it as you go along (not just in the end). With these tips you'll be well on your way to becoming a Good parent as well as someone who hasn't completely lost sight of who they are & their relationship with their partner!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Stepping in or on?
When I examine my own parenting style I have to say that being a control freak has come in handy for a good portion of what I consider my "success" as a parent. Specifically in the areas of establishing and maintaining routine & structure through my children's first 5 years. And while it may surprise some, I haven't always been this way~ feeling the need to control things, that is. In 2001 I learned a valuable lesson in the workplace that taught me that I literally could not do my job unless I "let others." That in fact it was my job to role model, to teach life skills, to supervise (support & challenge my then staff), and to ultimately allow them to then flourish, infusing their own ideas, styles, knowledge, etc into the work we were accomplishing together. As my kids grow I hope to loosen up the "control" I've had over these informative years so as to "let them" live their lives & flourish!
But being a bit of a control freak in terms of parenting is not necessarily the best quality to have especially around other parents! That is unless of course I'm stepping in to control a situation that saves your child's life! Or saves them from harm of some sort. This recently happened to me (two times!) and it left me feeling a bit awkward because while it was clear that my Mom-friends were totally cool with me need to intervene, I wasn't necessarily totally cool with how nonchalant their own parenting was considering we were all in the same vicinity when the situations were occurring. There were many things I wanted to say during & after to my Mom-friends and their children but refrained in doing so mostly because "who am I?"
The underlying dilema is if we do step in at various situations, we show that we are a caring community of parents & friends. If we do not or do or say too much we may end up stepping on toes or not being true to our own sense of right from wrong. I am left wondering about these boundaries and why people get so offensive if someone steps in to parent their child? (other than the obvious of "youre not the parent").
There certainly are various factors to consider when stepping in to parent other peoples children specifically the type of relationship (if any) you share. If you have the opportunity to ask first "hey, do you want me to intervene if theres an issue between the kids?" than try to do so. Whenever I drop my kids off at a friend/family's home I always state "Its okay to discipline them, they know to go to the corner if misbehaving", etc because I do not want my friends to feel uncertain or weird about how to handle my kids when I'm not there. Even in instances of a play date, I try to be "aware" enough that I can say to another parent "If you feel my son is too rough, please say something. He likes to wrestle but it can get out of hand." I'll go so far as noticing if another parent is showing non-verbal concerns and I'll correct my kids before there is an issue. I even go so far as trying to make eye contact or small talk with a parent at a park if our kids are playing together in attempt to establish the degree to which they are watching their own children, in case something does happens. Now some of you are thinking I'm not controlling, just neurotic! LOL
Stepping in for any reason feels more like overstepping if its a situation with people you have no relationship with at all! People get bent out of shape because another Mom spoke to their child asking them to "not scream" in the restaurant play area or at the park when you ask if they could let other children have a turn at the swings. I guarantee you that if you intervened to save a child from stabbing another one with a folk at the same restaurant, that parent might be more thankful than anything!
At some point we have to start viewing parenting as a community thing because we are all living in this world together! You can "let go" without being neglectful! So whether it's your control freak of nature creeping into your parenting style or just a desire to save the world one child at a time... I say step in when you think it's good role modeling or when there are life lessons or skills to be taught, regardless if it is your children or not. Step in if it means saving someone from harm. These are things a good parent will do because in the end, children are not children for very long. With any hope they too will flourish one day and perhaps even into good parents themselves!
But being a bit of a control freak in terms of parenting is not necessarily the best quality to have especially around other parents! That is unless of course I'm stepping in to control a situation that saves your child's life! Or saves them from harm of some sort. This recently happened to me (two times!) and it left me feeling a bit awkward because while it was clear that my Mom-friends were totally cool with me need to intervene, I wasn't necessarily totally cool with how nonchalant their own parenting was considering we were all in the same vicinity when the situations were occurring. There were many things I wanted to say during & after to my Mom-friends and their children but refrained in doing so mostly because "who am I?"
The underlying dilema is if we do step in at various situations, we show that we are a caring community of parents & friends. If we do not or do or say too much we may end up stepping on toes or not being true to our own sense of right from wrong. I am left wondering about these boundaries and why people get so offensive if someone steps in to parent their child? (other than the obvious of "youre not the parent").
There certainly are various factors to consider when stepping in to parent other peoples children specifically the type of relationship (if any) you share. If you have the opportunity to ask first "hey, do you want me to intervene if theres an issue between the kids?" than try to do so. Whenever I drop my kids off at a friend/family's home I always state "Its okay to discipline them, they know to go to the corner if misbehaving", etc because I do not want my friends to feel uncertain or weird about how to handle my kids when I'm not there. Even in instances of a play date, I try to be "aware" enough that I can say to another parent "If you feel my son is too rough, please say something. He likes to wrestle but it can get out of hand." I'll go so far as noticing if another parent is showing non-verbal concerns and I'll correct my kids before there is an issue. I even go so far as trying to make eye contact or small talk with a parent at a park if our kids are playing together in attempt to establish the degree to which they are watching their own children, in case something does happens. Now some of you are thinking I'm not controlling, just neurotic! LOL
Stepping in for any reason feels more like overstepping if its a situation with people you have no relationship with at all! People get bent out of shape because another Mom spoke to their child asking them to "not scream" in the restaurant play area or at the park when you ask if they could let other children have a turn at the swings. I guarantee you that if you intervened to save a child from stabbing another one with a folk at the same restaurant, that parent might be more thankful than anything!
At some point we have to start viewing parenting as a community thing because we are all living in this world together! You can "let go" without being neglectful! So whether it's your control freak of nature creeping into your parenting style or just a desire to save the world one child at a time... I say step in when you think it's good role modeling or when there are life lessons or skills to be taught, regardless if it is your children or not. Step in if it means saving someone from harm. These are things a good parent will do because in the end, children are not children for very long. With any hope they too will flourish one day and perhaps even into good parents themselves!
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