February 14th...Valentines day. A day to cherish the ones you love. Also, 2 months since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in CT which resulted in the deaths of 26 individuals, 20 of which were children.
I remember very vividly my thoughts as I headed up to bed on December 13, 2012...It was peaceful, I was the last one to bed and as I turned the TV off, proceeded to clean up & make sure the house was locked tight for the night, I thought to myself "all is right in the world." And I gave thanks to God in that moment. In my little corner of the world, all was right. This is very possible the same thought some Newtown parents had before they went to bed that night too. Shortly after dropping my daughter off at school the next morning and going about my business I finally sat down for lunch & to watch the news. News that has saddened me to my core ever since. I am so sad for those that died, the families involved, the responders who witnessed the aftermath and the entire Newtown community. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not find myself thinking about them all, praying for them. Many times, several times a day. And while I wonder if that is normal for someone like me who was not directly impacted to be reacting this way...at the same time I am completely dumbfounded that my community of Moms aren't talking about it! (or at least not in the circles I've been in-obviously me included). Sure the news has talked about it (though waning) and the politicians are talking about it (as it serves their agendas)...but us Parents...why aren't we? I am certain that as individuals we are finding ways to understand how such tragedies can occur, perhaps participating in raising money for families impacted, or though on-line support communities. But Parents aren't talking with the schools about it, not with law enforcement, nor in community forums, not at all. Again, unless I'm seriously out of the loop and missed the memo's?
Let me back up a minute. I have always been someone who tries to live fully in the moment. To be fully present in all that I do...and purposeful. With my children it is no different. Combine that with my now extra heightened, sensitive, anxiety-if-you-will, that literally anything can happen to me/husband or my kids such that our worlds can be shaken to their core should one or more family members die. As if my kids didn't already have me wrapped around their fingers...they sure do now & they have no idea! So when my daughter & son announced it was "kids day" last week and wanted to bake a cake. Time for us stopped (yes, it really did) and we did just that. We celebrated kids. Secretly I celebrated the lives of the 20 kids who died, while also giving thanks for the 2 who have blessed my life beyond words. Kids day. Children are gifts to us each and every day and should be celebrated!
But now I am left with the challenging task of living to make every moment count but also experiencing the day to day regular issues that come along with parenting (having to say "no" when I want to say "yes"...raising my voice to show I'm serious when I really just want to make them laugh...putting off an activity til tomorrow but wondering if tomorrow will really be there, those kinds of things). And how do I have conversations with my kids about "what to do" if they hear gun fire (at the store, at school, at home, or the movie theatre)...do I teach them duck n cover at ages 3 & 5? These are the kinds of things I hoped parents would be talking about with each other, along with just general "healing" in terms of understanding what happens when a parent loses a child. While I hope to never experience such a loss, learning about others experiences makes me a better person and hopefully a better parent. Maybe we aren't openly talking about these things because they are so close to our hearts....and all of our hearts that are so wounded by these tragic events? Maybe we don't know where to start to have these conversations?
If anyone wants to talk...You can start here.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Newborncare.com
Last week I opened my email to find a message from the marketing coordinator of a website called www.newborncare.com. Having stumbled upon my blog on parenting she suggested that my readers may be interested in the topics on their site. I took a few minutes to review the site and I agree! Especially since two of my friends just had babies this week (congrats to Julie & Becca), the information on www.newborncare.com is very practical, not too anecdotal, but helpful in terms of resources, how-to, and general support for welcoming a newborn into your life.
Its been quite a while since I've had a newborn and I haven't blogged much about the experiences I had early on-mostly because those early years seem more like survival vs. parenting. However, the marketing coordinator suggested I share a link to their latest topic which was about choosing Godparents for your newborn. If you're a new parent the article is definitely worth reading. If you aren't a new parent but you have struggled with making a decision regarding Godparents then it's also a good read. Or if you just want to see other perspectives on choosing Godparents, read it too! The irony for me is that this is a topic that I purposely avoided blogging about because "even when you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart" people's feelings may get hurt if they aren't chosen as Godparents and that is that!
For us (husband and me) choosing Godparents had everything to do with the essence of a Godparent which is to be a role model in the religious tradition in which we are choosing to raise our children. So this meant choosing people who are currently practicing Catholics. When our first child was born, we chose my husband's sister & brother-in-law as Godparents. It was a win-win that they not only were immediate family but also current practicing Catholics. Things got a little more complicated (for others) when we had our second child. My husband didn't have any more siblings and my only sibling & brother-in-law are not Catholic. So we looked to our closest friends, of whom my husband is the God Father of one of their daugthers. They were the next perfect choice as Godparents for our son. To us it was still a win-win because in many ways our friends are as close as our siblings.
It did not matter how many times I explained how we viewed the role/purpose of a Godparent. My sister thought she should have been a Godparent no matter what. Since she knows other "Catholics" who have chosen non-Catholics to be Godparents, I should have done the same. I should have compromised my values so that she could have a special title. Nothing I could have done or said on my end was going to change her opinion. As if being an Aunt isn't good enough.
So just know that even if you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart, you still may end up hurting someone else's feelings or feeling disrespected as a result. Some parts of parenting aren't easy. This can be one of them. It is important though that you are firm in your beliefs. Some day I'll explain to the kids why their Godparents are who they are. My folks picked their best friends at the time...people who weren't actively religious (neither were my parents) and people whom when their friendship faded, so did the relationship of Godparent to God Daugther. Being a good parent means you do your best...and think about how & why you are making choices on behalf of your kid(s)...not just at the time and hope it all works out. In our case, I feel certain we chose the right Godparents in both instances for the right reasons but sad that our parenting choice wasn't fully supported.
Its been quite a while since I've had a newborn and I haven't blogged much about the experiences I had early on-mostly because those early years seem more like survival vs. parenting. However, the marketing coordinator suggested I share a link to their latest topic which was about choosing Godparents for your newborn. If you're a new parent the article is definitely worth reading. If you aren't a new parent but you have struggled with making a decision regarding Godparents then it's also a good read. Or if you just want to see other perspectives on choosing Godparents, read it too! The irony for me is that this is a topic that I purposely avoided blogging about because "even when you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart" people's feelings may get hurt if they aren't chosen as Godparents and that is that!
For us (husband and me) choosing Godparents had everything to do with the essence of a Godparent which is to be a role model in the religious tradition in which we are choosing to raise our children. So this meant choosing people who are currently practicing Catholics. When our first child was born, we chose my husband's sister & brother-in-law as Godparents. It was a win-win that they not only were immediate family but also current practicing Catholics. Things got a little more complicated (for others) when we had our second child. My husband didn't have any more siblings and my only sibling & brother-in-law are not Catholic. So we looked to our closest friends, of whom my husband is the God Father of one of their daugthers. They were the next perfect choice as Godparents for our son. To us it was still a win-win because in many ways our friends are as close as our siblings.
It did not matter how many times I explained how we viewed the role/purpose of a Godparent. My sister thought she should have been a Godparent no matter what. Since she knows other "Catholics" who have chosen non-Catholics to be Godparents, I should have done the same. I should have compromised my values so that she could have a special title. Nothing I could have done or said on my end was going to change her opinion. As if being an Aunt isn't good enough.
So just know that even if you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart, you still may end up hurting someone else's feelings or feeling disrespected as a result. Some parts of parenting aren't easy. This can be one of them. It is important though that you are firm in your beliefs. Some day I'll explain to the kids why their Godparents are who they are. My folks picked their best friends at the time...people who weren't actively religious (neither were my parents) and people whom when their friendship faded, so did the relationship of Godparent to God Daugther. Being a good parent means you do your best...and think about how & why you are making choices on behalf of your kid(s)...not just at the time and hope it all works out. In our case, I feel certain we chose the right Godparents in both instances for the right reasons but sad that our parenting choice wasn't fully supported.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Year to be a Better Parent
With each year that passes, reality of parenting challenges sinks deeper and deeper and deeper. The reality that my kids are getting old enough to understand, to mimic, and to ask the really hard questions. We don't use curse words in our home but if we did, our kids would be well versed in that vocabulary by their ages (3 & 5)! A little note to self for you newer parents. Just last month a friend's daughter (age 5) got in trouble in her kindergarten class for blurting out a swear word. If you ever thought you had a bad habit you needed to drop....I'd work on dropping it ASAP! Seriously! In our home I've noticed the kids vocal volume increase as they argue. Hmmmm, wonder where they get that from? Yeah, guilty. The funny thing is, we also don't do a lot of yelling in our home. Don't get me wrong...voices get raised. And while no excuse is justifiable, you'll likely recognize the situations in which "yelling" occurs: when I attempt to get their attention because the kids are arguing, when someone does something outrageously bad like whack the other on the head with something that could have caused permanent serious damage, when both kids have literally pushed me to the edge all day & I snap. Some of that may sound vaguely familiar to some of you parents. Or maybe its just me? It doesn't happen every day, rarely once a week. However, it does happen.
I've said it from the beginning, I'm not a perfect parent. But it's a new year and with that I'm seizing the time to refocus, reflect, and work on those areas I KNOW I can do better.
My daughter for example is already a classic combination of her Dad and me. She has somehow managed to tune out people when they call her name....oh, just like her Dad! In return, she also randomly gives side commentaries (often unsolicited)....hmmm....much like her Mother. By the age of 5 they have picked up on all sorts of nuances! Its a little scary when you start seeing your child engage in the very behaviors you DO and worse yet that you definitely DO NOT want them to be doing! I am so not ready for the teenage years! Hear me out though. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I can tweak my parenting, tweak my responses to how I communicate with my kids, how I interact with them & my husband...in essence, work on improving myself. Perhaps then more of the "good" will rub off :) I'm going to work on doing more listening, more reflecting of feelings when my kids express theirs, work on not raising my voice but looking them in the eye & speaking with respect, more involving them in responsibilities to channel their energies, and more cuddling. That last one I just threw in there because.... well, they are 3 & 5...there aren't many more years they'll tolerate Mommy smothering them w hugs n kisses! Here's to having a "Good" parenting year!
I've said it from the beginning, I'm not a perfect parent. But it's a new year and with that I'm seizing the time to refocus, reflect, and work on those areas I KNOW I can do better.
My daughter for example is already a classic combination of her Dad and me. She has somehow managed to tune out people when they call her name....oh, just like her Dad! In return, she also randomly gives side commentaries (often unsolicited)....hmmm....much like her Mother. By the age of 5 they have picked up on all sorts of nuances! Its a little scary when you start seeing your child engage in the very behaviors you DO and worse yet that you definitely DO NOT want them to be doing! I am so not ready for the teenage years! Hear me out though. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I can tweak my parenting, tweak my responses to how I communicate with my kids, how I interact with them & my husband...in essence, work on improving myself. Perhaps then more of the "good" will rub off :) I'm going to work on doing more listening, more reflecting of feelings when my kids express theirs, work on not raising my voice but looking them in the eye & speaking with respect, more involving them in responsibilities to channel their energies, and more cuddling. That last one I just threw in there because.... well, they are 3 & 5...there aren't many more years they'll tolerate Mommy smothering them w hugs n kisses! Here's to having a "Good" parenting year!
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