There have recently been two powerful parenting messages I've been working with my own children lately that have dramatically changed the way I think. In changing my thinking, naturally it follows that my relationships and behaviors are also influenced. In this blog, I introduce you to a message that was shared with me by another Mother. An amazing Mother, a wise Mother, a Mother who will move mountains for her Son.
She shared a story of some of her Son's experiences at school. In one instance she shared how a teacher at the school repeatedly mispronounced her Son's name (adding a letter where there is not) even after being corrected. This Mother explained to her Son later the importance of rising above such overt actions because "He is Better." This teacher's inability to learn how to pronounce his name shouldn't get him down, or mad, or irritated. It shouldn't chip away at who he is...a positive, smart, kind, conscientious young man. Its the teacher's issue...not his. He is Better.
I love this. He is Better. He IS Better. Note, she didn't say "He is better than..." Just He is Better. Let this message sit with you for a few minutes. It is profound.
It is a message that every parent needs to convey to their child. You are Better.
It leads to a conversation about what is expected of your child. Children need to hear their parents praise them, believe in them, and give boundaries including expectations of behaviors. Saying "You are Better" does not mean that someone else is less. Let me say that again.... by telling your child "you are better" you are not taking anything away from any other child or from siblings. They too can be "better" if they are challenged, called, and given the opportunity to be so. Your child's self worth has nothing to do with anyone else. This is a powerful message to understand. Many adults do not believe this as they have lived a life in competition with others or blaming others for their circumstances. Your child's self worth shouldn't come from whether they are the faster runner, the smartest in class, the prettiest. While those qualities may be coveted, they all stem from being compared with others. Your child's self worth should come from within. From being kind, from empathizing with others, from practicing honesty, from loving themselves.
This simple statement opens the door to allowing the parent to encourage the child to be better without repercussions. It feels taboo to tell your child to "be better" because the thinking follows "be better than so and so" which pits children and parents against each other. My own children looked at me and asked "be better than each other?" They couldn't comprehend what it meant to be better in terms of being a good person, in terms of trying their personal best, in terms of being at peace with life choices, etc. They immediately associated better with "better than someone else."
Parents should be encouraging their children to be a better version of themselves. To be the BEST version of themselves. My life is not a competition with you and yours. My child's accomplishments or failures have nothing to do with you and yours. I want to shout to the roof tops all the wonderful qualities about my children. But if I did that, people would think I'm bragging. Because parents are so wrapped up in competition....wrapped up in defining ourselves against others. How wrong is that? That a parent feels they can't speak positively about their children? Once we come to understand that we should all be striving to be better (just better...not better than someone else), it frees us up to fully support each other and genuinely desire others to be better too. I want everyone to be Better. Be Better. Be a better version of yourself tomorrow than what you were today.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
The Right Direction
I have no doubt that someone reading this is going to think that I'm over reacting or making a big deal about a little toy or somehow being a Mom who takes the fun out of fun. That is fine with me. If you are one of those people, then you are likely living life in the wrong direction, in my humble opinion.
I don't like the word choice of "wrong" because we all know that we all live our live differently, different circumstances, different contexts, just plain different. And who is to say your way is wrong and mine is right.
But I can't help but feel and believe that we make choices in our lives that are directed towards what we think is right or correct or best. So there is some understanding for each of us in a "right" from "wrong."
So here I am, just living life, staying afloat, and trying to do my best in all facets of my life. Then...
Enters the fidget spinner.
From the moment I was introduced to this gadget, toy, object via a description by a school friend who was raving about wanting one, to hearing my child beg to buy one, I knew there was no way on God's great earth I would allow my kids to have one. In the moment I couldn't tell you why. The words were not ready to match my instinct but they were formulating.
As the weeks past and my son continued to beg, I continued to say no. As the weeks past, stories of fidget spinners gone wrong began to surface. With any product that goes mainstream, this one began making news and making waves. There are lots of reasons I am not a fan of the fidget spinner but still none of the naysayer reasons hit the nail on head.
And then... in a moment of prayer... it came to me. I realized that the reason I dislike the fidget spinner (for mainstream population) is because it represents the exact opposite direction I want my kids to go in. The fidget spinner is the wrong direction. What I mean is this: today's mainstream kids do not need to be more busy, more occupied, more obsessed, more fidgety. They need to be just be. To Just be...the opposite. More calm, more focused, more clear, more still.
What if parents everywhere encouraged and embraced spending quiet time with their kids. Just sitting together in silence, or in prayer, watching the clouds or stars, or reading or singing. What if kids were as excited for quiet time as they are to play with a fidget spinner? What a very different world we would live in. That quiet time could be spent dreaming, inventing, learning about ourselves, learning about others, learning about the world, growing in faith with God.
The world throws so much at our kids whether it's technology or societal pressures to be involved in this or that. Kids need to slow down, find their inner voices, learn to quiet their minds & bodies.
The fact that this is not the case and that parents and children went gaga about fidget spinners in the blink of an eye, spending money, hunting them down, spending too much time playing with them, allowing them to disrupt classrooms, etc all of this says a lot about the direction society is going. Its not good. Parents, the changes start with you. These are the things I think about but can't always find the words.
Last week, my son's best friend gave him a fidget spinner. I wasn't going to make him give it back. It was a gift and despite how I feel, I know its my job as the parent to teach my child how to play with this object responsibly. I am not going to let this object take my child in the wrong direction. So like all things, we talked about it, set boundaries. He knows I don't love it and at the same time, I've "played" with it, with him, to learn why he and many others find it so fascinating. Its the kind of item that can only be played with in public spaces. Its the kind of item (and what it represents) that needs monitoring. I don't trust it & it's direction.
So, I spend a lot of quiet time with my son as a way of reinforcing what I think our priorities should be in addition to achieving a sense of calm, focus, clarity, and stillness in our lives. He loves our quiet time more than he loves the fidget spinner. My job as a good parent isn't done but at least we're pointed in the right direction.
I don't like the word choice of "wrong" because we all know that we all live our live differently, different circumstances, different contexts, just plain different. And who is to say your way is wrong and mine is right.
But I can't help but feel and believe that we make choices in our lives that are directed towards what we think is right or correct or best. So there is some understanding for each of us in a "right" from "wrong."
So here I am, just living life, staying afloat, and trying to do my best in all facets of my life. Then...
Enters the fidget spinner.
From the moment I was introduced to this gadget, toy, object via a description by a school friend who was raving about wanting one, to hearing my child beg to buy one, I knew there was no way on God's great earth I would allow my kids to have one. In the moment I couldn't tell you why. The words were not ready to match my instinct but they were formulating.
As the weeks past and my son continued to beg, I continued to say no. As the weeks past, stories of fidget spinners gone wrong began to surface. With any product that goes mainstream, this one began making news and making waves. There are lots of reasons I am not a fan of the fidget spinner but still none of the naysayer reasons hit the nail on head.
And then... in a moment of prayer... it came to me. I realized that the reason I dislike the fidget spinner (for mainstream population) is because it represents the exact opposite direction I want my kids to go in. The fidget spinner is the wrong direction. What I mean is this: today's mainstream kids do not need to be more busy, more occupied, more obsessed, more fidgety. They need to be just be. To Just be...the opposite. More calm, more focused, more clear, more still.
What if parents everywhere encouraged and embraced spending quiet time with their kids. Just sitting together in silence, or in prayer, watching the clouds or stars, or reading or singing. What if kids were as excited for quiet time as they are to play with a fidget spinner? What a very different world we would live in. That quiet time could be spent dreaming, inventing, learning about ourselves, learning about others, learning about the world, growing in faith with God.
The world throws so much at our kids whether it's technology or societal pressures to be involved in this or that. Kids need to slow down, find their inner voices, learn to quiet their minds & bodies.
The fact that this is not the case and that parents and children went gaga about fidget spinners in the blink of an eye, spending money, hunting them down, spending too much time playing with them, allowing them to disrupt classrooms, etc all of this says a lot about the direction society is going. Its not good. Parents, the changes start with you. These are the things I think about but can't always find the words.
Last week, my son's best friend gave him a fidget spinner. I wasn't going to make him give it back. It was a gift and despite how I feel, I know its my job as the parent to teach my child how to play with this object responsibly. I am not going to let this object take my child in the wrong direction. So like all things, we talked about it, set boundaries. He knows I don't love it and at the same time, I've "played" with it, with him, to learn why he and many others find it so fascinating. Its the kind of item that can only be played with in public spaces. Its the kind of item (and what it represents) that needs monitoring. I don't trust it & it's direction.
So, I spend a lot of quiet time with my son as a way of reinforcing what I think our priorities should be in addition to achieving a sense of calm, focus, clarity, and stillness in our lives. He loves our quiet time more than he loves the fidget spinner. My job as a good parent isn't done but at least we're pointed in the right direction.
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