Fair Parenting

Anyone who has a sibling has probably felt at one time or another during childhood or even adulthood, that their parent (s) did not treat all of the kids fairly.  Whether this perception of fairness had any warrant behind it or whether is was more than true, when a child feels their parent is not being fair, it's heart breaking. As much as our kids swear they want to play video games all day... what they really want is to spend time with their parents. 9 times out of 10, if the parents had less responsibilities they too would want to spend all their time with the kids.  But little do the children realize that even with all the time in the world, fair parenting will never be possible.

Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair.  That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw.  Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.

I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED.  That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.

For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs  And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.