For quite some time I've wanted to write about two phrases my children say to me daily. If at any time I go to sit down in my home, within minutes one of my kids are at my side asking to "sit on me." They want to cuddle, tickle, giggle, talk or play games like "can you feel this?" where we close our eyes and gently touch places on each other's face trying to identify where the other touched them. When the kids were babies and toddlers of course they sat on my lap but now they are older and it's just not too comfortable for Mommy anymore! I've tried every excuse to get them off my lap. And why do they never do this with their Dad? I'm at a loss. It seems mean to say "no" and they are so sad the few times that I've held firm (like tonight because I've been battling a cold). Though my daughter says she plans to sit on my until she is 18, I know that the moments this activity brings are fleeting. But seriously, how long can it go on for? How long should I let it? I was at my in-laws over Christmas and my daughter flung herself into my lap and it felt almost embarrassing to have this larger child smothering my space. My Husband says "kick them off." Secretly, I love it-well, except when one of their elbow digs into my stomach.
The other phrase I hear daily or mostly nightly is "Mommy will you lay with me?" We rarely co-slept with our kids though we often took naps with them when they were little. I'm not sure when the request to lay with them began but it seems like its been a request for years. There is no other phrase that pulls at my heart strings more than this one and my kids know they have me wrapped around their fingers at the mere utterance of these words. Why am I such a sucker for them? I think it's part of a Mother's nature to revel in the smell of her babies. My kids are so soft and smell so good. They both love to cuddle and whisper secrets or play with their stuffed animals or gossip about school friends. When we lay together Mommy shares her childhood stories or we make up stories or dream about the future. There is something special about laying next to one another in the dark, hearing each other's voices, feeling each other's touch, but not seeing the other's expressions. I love them and love spending time with them. I have fond memories of laying in bed with my Mom, talking, watching TV, Mom running her fingers through my hair as she talked on the phone. I also have (often) unjustified fears that cause me to (over) value every moment they want or need me. What if something happens to me? One of their last memories would be the time we spent laying together. What if something happen to them? Then I would know they felt loved.
How about you? What do your kids say/do to tug at your heart strings?
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Fair Parenting
Anyone who has a sibling has probably felt at one time or another during childhood or even adulthood, that their parent (s) did not treat all of the kids fairly. Whether this perception of fairness had any warrant behind it or whether is was more than true, when a child feels their parent is not being fair, it's heart breaking. As much as our kids swear they want to play video games all day... what they really want is to spend time with their parents. 9 times out of 10, if the parents had less responsibilities they too would want to spend all their time with the kids. But little do the children realize that even with all the time in the world, fair parenting will never be possible.
Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair. That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw. Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.
I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED. That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.
For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.
Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair. That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw. Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.
I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED. That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.
For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.
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