Over the course of the 6 years I have been a parent, I've received many compliments on how my children are so well behaved. In fact, I'm sure that most of you won't believe me when I say that I can count on one hand (per child) how many tantrums each have ever had thus far in their short lives(age 4 & 6). It is true, really. And it was no surprise to me when my daughter won the "overall best behavior" award at the end of year kindergarten party. How my children act in public is exactly how they are at home...oh wait...they are probably even better behaved at home! At home the environment is predictable, safe, familiar as opposed to the public where there are many unknowns- Mommy talking to strangers, sitting in traffic, temptations at the store) for the little ones that may cause them to be more on edge and prone to misbehaving.
Some have asked "what's your secret?" (If you are going to read any further you MUST believe that discipline is a good parenting tool and has it's place in how parents can teach their children to be responsible & accountable for their behaviors.) I usually reply saying that I use the "Super Nanny" method of Time Out because most parents know about Super Nanny. The funny thing is that once I tell people I use time out, they usually tune-out. I'm not exactly sure why? I can guess because they think it involves a lot of work, or they think this method won't work for them, or they are really thinking my kids only behave well because they were born that way! LOL. I think 2 people have asked me for specifics over the years. I've even offered to go to friends' homes to demonstrate- jokingly inviting kids to "Camp Christine." That is how much I believe in the discipline method called Time Out.
You can begin to incorporate Time Outs into your response to poor behaviors from your child as early as 12 Months (Age 1). I'll give you a few minutes to get over the shock. Whether baby can walk or crawl, at age 1 your baby will start to engage in behaviors that are unwanted such as "screaming." Ok, sure, baby is trying out their newly discovered vocal cords as language development is really taking off at this age. BUT that doesn't mean baby should rule the house & wake the neighbors with her shrieks & screams! Its not acceptable. Here is what you do:
1. Baby Screams in the house.
2. Verbally go to baby, get down to baby's level and say calm & assertively "No screaming. We do not scream in the house."
3. Baby screams again (for example 5 minutes later). Repeat #2 and include. "If baby screams again, baby will go into the Time Out."
NOTE: The time out location should not be in their bedroom and should be in a discrete location/corner away from general play areas but not completely out of general sight.
You can show baby the "time out" location either now or prior to starting this regimen.
4. Baby screams again (for example 15 min later). Repeat #2 and include "Mommy said that if you screamed again, you will go in time out. You just screamed and that is a no-no." Take baby to time out location. "Because you screamed in the house, you will sit here for 1 minute. We do not scream in the house." Sit with baby, in the time out location for 1 minute- silently. After 1 minute, review why baby went into time out. Always say the following "Mommy loves you but Mommy does not love the screaming. Please do not scream again the house or you will keep going into time out." I always hug my child & tell him/her how much I love them.
Your 1 year old will likely look at you with a blank stare the whole time in the beginning. Just go through the motions. You will discover when it is an appropriate time for you to no longer sit beside them during time outs...and you will communicate to them that they are to sit their by themselves. This may not happen until age 2 and that's is okay! The rule of thumb is that they sit in the corner 1 minute for every year of life. It is good practice for when their understanding really sinks in...and the repetition with the child at this age will actually make it easier for them later because they will know the routine, know what is expected of them, and know that you are holding them accountable. Children as young as age 1 are always testing boundaries. They look to their parents to learn right from wrong, to learn appropriate social norms, to be consistent in their lives, to be strong leaders.
Once you go through the steps above, it is up to you if you want to always give a three strikes then time out or if you start the day reminding them of acceptable behaviors and go immediately to time out when a slip up occurs. Your children WILL NOTICE when you slip up and fail to follow through. Discipline only works when there is consistency. If your spouse shares the disciplining, you may need to role play how to do "Time Outs." The child should have nearly the same experience every time. When discipline is predictable, it allows the child to actually focus on what the poor behavior is at hand.
As the baby gets older and comprehension expands, the Time Out experience can include a comprehension check where you ask "do you understand why Mommy put you in a time out?" or "why did you throw the ball at your sister? how do you think that made her feel?" In addition to talking with your child about alternative behaviors that would be more appropriate such as "what could you have said to your sister instead of just taking the ball? what could you have done differently?" Be aware that ages 2 & 3 require a lot of reflecting of emotions in your conversations with the child in helping them understand why they behaved the way they did, such as "Were you mad at your Sister when you threw the ball?"
As soon as baby can speak then step 5 should be used to wrap up the time out. This is the step where the baby (now child) apologizes for their poor behavior/behavior choices. Do not let the apology slide! It is important that other children trust & respect your child and they will only do so when your child begins to recognize right from wrong. It is a humbling experience to apologize to someone but it is a good lesson all children should experience for it builds character!
Prior to being a parent, I was a supervisor of undergraduate college student Resident Assistants(RAs). I tried to create a very open, trust worthy, respectful relationship with my staff. Even though the RAs were usually the "cream of the crop" in terms of upstanding behaviors, a desire to follow the rules, etc... there were still instances when staff did not fulfill expectations. Along the way I've heard every excuse in the book! But the one phrase I longed to hear most was "It won't happen again." I have already begun the good work with my children in helping them understand that mistakes & accidents do happen. The fact that they happen is not earth shattering or horrible. They are a fact of life. No one is perfect. However, no excuse will ever take the place of taking ownership for your behaviors and committing to change so that the same issues do not repeat. It is about the choices we make once an issue occurs. Do we take paths that lead us back to poor behaviors? What do we take away as a learning experience? Do we understand the consequences to our behaviors?
It is never too late to incorporate Time Outs into your parental discipline routine! If your child is older, you may want to explain up front the changes that are going to occur when poor behavior rears it's head. You may need to sit with them at first to role model that you mean business! There are lots of ways to tweak your style of time outs. Some parents want their child to face the wall, some have the child stand vs. sit. Some allow the child to have a lovey object with them in the time out spot, others might flex on the timing one sits in time out.
Ahhh- silly are those parents who thought discipline was a simple as a swat on the butt...no way! That's the kind of discipline that leads to dysfunctional people! The swat on the butt is easy though... but (no pun intended) who said good parenting was easy? not me! Discipline is involved and it is intense! It is also perhaps the BEST thing you can do for your child, especially when done right.
If you haven't used the Time Out method and have additional questions after reading this, please email or fb message me! I'm only an expert on what works with my kids however, I can give lots of ideas & encouragement as your respond to your kid(s) behaviors!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I will always beleive you
In preparation for teaching Sunday school to preschoolers, I attended a workshop through my Church titled "Protecting God's Children." The topic was child abuse- physically, sexually, verbally, etc. As a parent of 2 young children it was impossible not to think about the "what ifs" should my own children find themselves as survivors of child abuse. It was heart wrenching and blood boiling to hear how sexual abuse (in particular) impacts a child in the immediate & throughout their lifetime. Child abuse is so pervasive.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
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