The Right Direction

I have no doubt that someone reading this is going to think that I'm over reacting or making a big deal about a little toy or somehow being a Mom who takes the fun out of fun. That is fine with me. If you are one of those people, then you are likely living life in the wrong direction, in my humble opinion.

I don't like the word choice of "wrong" because we all know that we all live our live differently, different circumstances, different contexts, just plain different. And who is to say your way is wrong and mine is right.

But I can't help but feel and believe that we make choices in our lives that are directed towards what we think is right or correct or best.  So there is some understanding for each of us in a "right" from "wrong."

So here I am, just living life, staying afloat, and trying to do my best in all facets of my life. Then...

Enters the fidget spinner.

From the moment I was introduced to this gadget, toy, object via a description by a school friend who was raving about wanting one, to hearing my child beg to buy one, I knew there was no way on God's great earth I would allow my kids to have one.  In the moment I couldn't tell you why. The words were not ready to match my instinct but they were formulating.

As the weeks past and my son continued to beg, I continued to say no. As the weeks past, stories of fidget spinners gone wrong began to surface. With any product that goes mainstream, this one began making news and making waves. There are lots of reasons I am not a fan of the fidget spinner but still none of the naysayer reasons hit the nail on head.

And then... in a moment of prayer... it came to me. I realized that the reason I dislike the fidget spinner (for mainstream population) is because it represents the exact opposite direction I want my kids to go in. The fidget spinner is the wrong direction.  What I mean is this: today's mainstream kids do not need to be more busy, more occupied, more obsessed, more fidgety.  They need to be just be. To Just be...the opposite. More calm, more focused, more clear, more still.

What if parents everywhere encouraged and embraced spending quiet time with their kids. Just sitting together in silence, or in prayer, watching the clouds or stars,  or reading or singing. What if kids were as excited for quiet time as they are to play with a fidget spinner? What a very different world we would live in. That quiet time could be spent dreaming, inventing, learning about ourselves, learning about others, learning about the world, growing in faith with God.

The world throws so much at our kids whether it's technology or societal pressures to be involved in this or that. Kids need to slow down, find their inner voices, learn to quiet their minds & bodies.

The fact that this is not the case and that parents and children went gaga about fidget spinners in the blink of an eye, spending money, hunting them down, spending too much time playing with them, allowing them to disrupt classrooms, etc all of this says a lot about the direction society is going. Its not good.  Parents, the changes start with you.  These are the things I think about but can't always find the words.

Last week, my son's best friend gave him a fidget spinner. I wasn't going to make him give it back. It was a gift and despite how I feel, I know its my job as the parent to teach my child how to play with this object responsibly.  I am not going to let this object take my child in the wrong direction.  So like all things, we talked about it, set boundaries.  He knows I don't love it and at the same time, I've "played" with it, with him, to learn why he and many others find it so fascinating. Its the kind of item that can only be played with in public spaces. Its the kind of item (and what it represents) that needs monitoring. I don't trust it & it's direction.

So, I spend a lot of quiet time with my son as a way of reinforcing what I think our priorities should be in addition to achieving a sense of calm, focus, clarity, and stillness in our lives.  He loves our quiet time more than he loves the fidget spinner. My job as a good parent isn't done but at least we're pointed in the right direction.

Ah-ha moment

Its been a long time since I've blogged about parenting...and oh boy has parenting changed now that the kids are 9 & 7.  Or should I say 9 going on 15 and 7 going on 11! Both kids we have finally reached THAT age where... from here on out, they will remember....everything! I don't know about you, but my childhood memories started around 3rd grade which doesn't mean theirs will but more than likely, we've reached THAT age.

Parenting up until now was done with the best of intentions, with the best I knew how, given the resources at hand. However, it was also done with a little bit of "well, they won't remember this anyways." Which meant if their birthday cakes weren't perfectly decorated, their hair perfectly parted, if they didn't bathe every day or if I yelled a little too loud, then they likely wouldn't remember that I wasn't bringing my parenting A-game.

Those days are over. I've tried not to fret about this. Instead I've used this realization as a "check" in regards to my behaviors as a parent. I've put a little more thought into the way in which I mediate sibling arguments, I make sure to make eye contact with the kids and tell them "I love you" at least once a day. I fess up to taking Halloween candy while they are in school, I say "yes" to all requests to say the rosary. Believe me, after working all day, taking care of the house, hauling the kids to their activities, making dinner, etc...sometime the last thing I want to do is pray the rosary!

The kids don't realize any of this. They don't realize that through this relationship of parent & child, they are helping to push the boundaries of my ability to parent. They are showing me how strong I am, how much I can give, how deep I can love. In return I hope to show them the same.

Tonight I had an Ah-ha moment. It was almost an out of body experience. It made me feel incredibly special (for no particular reason) and grateful to be their parent. The moment confirmed for me that I'm on the right parenting path.

In many ways it wasn't that unusual. I was laying on my son's bed while the kids were getting ready for bed and in my son's case, cleaning his room. He found a notebook he had been using as a journal and decided to write an entry. Of course I told him he needed to write about how great his Mom is, while he insisted he write about how much he loves Pokemon! My daughter came in, laid on the bed with me. The three of us just talked and giggled. I thought about how much I love spending time with the kids.

I love spending time with my kids. I've always loved spending time with my kids. It is who I am. That's my A-game.

Mommy can I sit on you? Mommy will you lay with me?

For quite some time I've wanted to write about two phrases my children say to me daily.  If at any time I go to sit down in my home, within minutes one of my kids are at my side asking to "sit on me."  They want to cuddle, tickle, giggle, talk or play games like "can you feel this?" where we close our eyes and gently touch places on each other's face trying to identify where the other touched them. When the kids were babies and toddlers of course they sat on my lap but now they are older and it's just not too comfortable for Mommy anymore! I've tried every excuse to get them off my lap. And why do they never do this with their Dad? I'm at a loss. It seems mean to say "no" and they are so sad the few times that I've held firm (like tonight because I've been battling a cold). Though my daughter says she plans to sit on my until she is 18, I know that the moments this activity brings are fleeting. But seriously, how long can it go on for? How long should I let it? I was at my in-laws over Christmas and my daughter flung herself into my lap and it felt almost embarrassing to have this larger child smothering my space. My Husband says "kick them off." Secretly, I love it-well, except when one of their elbow digs into my stomach.


The other phrase I hear daily or mostly nightly is "Mommy will you lay with me?" We rarely co-slept with our kids though we often took naps with them when they were little. I'm not sure when the request to lay with them began but it seems like its been a request for years. There is no other phrase that pulls at my heart strings more than this one and my kids know they have me wrapped around their fingers at the mere utterance of these words. Why am I such a sucker for them?  I think it's part of a Mother's nature to revel in the smell of her babies. My kids are so soft and smell so good. They both love to cuddle and whisper secrets or play with their stuffed animals or gossip about school friends. When we lay together Mommy shares her childhood stories or we make up stories or dream about the future. There is something special about laying next to one another in the dark, hearing each other's voices, feeling each other's touch, but not seeing the other's expressions.  I love them and love spending time with them. I have fond memories of laying in bed with my Mom, talking, watching TV, Mom running her fingers through my hair as she talked on the phone. I also have (often) unjustified fears that cause me to (over) value every moment they want or need me.  What if something happens to me? One of their last memories would be the time we spent laying together. What if something happen to them? Then I would know they felt loved.


How about you? What do your kids say/do to tug at your heart strings?

Fair Parenting

Anyone who has a sibling has probably felt at one time or another during childhood or even adulthood, that their parent (s) did not treat all of the kids fairly.  Whether this perception of fairness had any warrant behind it or whether is was more than true, when a child feels their parent is not being fair, it's heart breaking. As much as our kids swear they want to play video games all day... what they really want is to spend time with their parents. 9 times out of 10, if the parents had less responsibilities they too would want to spend all their time with the kids.  But little do the children realize that even with all the time in the world, fair parenting will never be possible.

Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair.  That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw.  Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.

I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED.  That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.

For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs  And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.

Parenting grade school kids

At various time when my babies were babies, I looked forward to and almost longed for the days when both kids would finally be in school full time. Well, those days have arrived! For the past 5 months I've been juggling the lives of a kindergartener and second grader (in addition to my own and sometimes my husbands). I used to think that because the kids would be "gone all day" that I would get so much accomplished in their absence, leaving me nothing else to do but dote on them when they returned home. It would be so great! Ha ha ha ha! That is so not how our reality is playing out! Here is an example of a typical week-day in our household:




6:30am I get up, shower & dress
6:50am I set up breakfast and pack lunches
7:05am I wake up both kids, they get dressed & I do my daughters hair
7:15am We three eat breakfast together
7:30am Brush teeth
7:40am leave the house for school
7:50am drop kids off at school for 8am start.
(I go to work daily from 8am-12:30pm)




From 12:30-2:30pm I use this time to eat my lunch, do household chores, set up dinner, workout, run errands.




2:30pm-go to pick up kids
2:45pm Pick up kids
3:00pm home from pick up, unpack lunch bags & folders, take out homework, read papers
3:00pm kids have snack
3:10pm kids do homework
3:45pm one kid is finished and goes off to play
4:00pm other one finishes and joins sibling to play. I put away homework, begin to prep dinner
5:00pm eat dinner together
5:30pm showers
6:00pm reading homework for both kids
6:30pm TV show for the kids while they have a snack
7:00pm One kid goes to practice piano while other kid gets ready for bed
7:30pm we are all upstairs. By now my husband is home so he is catching up with the kids as one gets ready for bed.
7:45pm both kids are in bed.




NOTE: the above time line is for days we do not have piano or swim lessons. On those days, the items between 3:30pm- 6:30pm are shifted around to accommodate the extra curricular activity.




Our lives these days are very scheduled with very little wiggle room. Often times the kids will ask to have "play dates" with their friends. It makes me sad to say "but we don't have time during the week." However, it is literally the truth. I barely have time with them during the week. My time with them is spent shuffling them from one task or activity to another & over seeing everything. My parenting has been more of managing verses "teaching"...like when they were babies. This makes me sad too because as a parent/manager I'm more often than not "the bad guy."  I'm the one who has to cut off their play time after an hour so we can eat. When I mention the word "shower" they run away from me! When I was parent/teacher I felt as though I was this positive role model introducing my children to the world and they were sponges who didn't want to leave Mommy's side. As parents we will wear many hats as our children grow. Its good to spend time reflecting on how you're parenting these days and thank goodness for weekends when you can make up the deficiencies!

Time for a change

Hello Readers! Happy New Year 2014! It has been a few months since the last posts. It hasn't been for lack of parenting topics to write about but rather that for some time I've been thinking about changing the focus of this blog--still about parenting but from a different angle. There have been a lot of changes in my life too as my children grow up so the role of Motherhood gets tweaked along the way. I also picked up a part time job outside of the home and am still trying to organize my life such that I can find that ever elusive "me" time. It is a goal of mine to have the new blog up & active before too long. Much of it is dependent on finding someone to help me with the blog layout/format. My hope it to make the blog more personal and long lasting. I've appreciated you taking the time to read my experiences, thoughts on what being a Good Parent is all about, and chiming in as you've felt a connection. Stay tuned and have a great year!

Full Circle: Rhonda's story

Becoming a Good Parent requires a little reflection on and appreciation for your personal journey to becoming a parent.  Many of my friends had difficult pregnancies, waiting countless years, experienced multiple miscarriages, or were not able to conceive/carry on their own. I believe these journey's create a foundation for and have a profound impact on how we parent our children.

Last month I asked if any readers were interested in sharing a parenting story. I have the honor to share Rhonda's story with you today:

Thank you, Christy, for opening up your blog page to me.  Here is a little of my story. 

God finally did bless me with two wonderful boys, but my road to motherhood was not easy. 

I was a “tom boy” growing up and I did not relate well to girls wanting to play dress up and Barbie dolls.  A good game of kick ball and maybe a bike ride around the block…now you’re talking!  I had an older brother and maybe that had something to do with it.  For someone so full of life, and active as I was, it so frustrated me that I could not find that magical answer for when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  You know that answer that would make them pleased and one that would make me smile on the inside too.  Couldn’t life just stay like this – fun and carefree?  I was born with one arm.  I prided myself on proving people wrong when they thought I could not do something.  So why was this question so hard?  This adult world seemed a bit scary and I had no idea what I would do in it.  I did envy others who knew exactly what they wanted to do.  I love my parents dearly and do appreciate all that they did for me.  However, as no parent is ever perfect, I feel that guidance was a little lacking when it came to helping me succeed in school as well as planning and preparing me for my future.  

Well, I did come to know, eventually, what I wanted out of life, but it was not enough for today’s woman.  I felt the push of our culture to become a strong, independent, career-minded woman.  The desire to maintain a certain standard of living was there too and so just being a wife and mother surely was not enough.  

So, I went to college.  Growing up, this path was kind of just expected because my parents held degrees, although we really did not talk about it.  Fortunately, I found my future husband during this time.  He was my complete opposite in so many ways.  Where I was weak, he was strong and vice versa.  Some said it was a match made in Heaven and we were in love.  I was certain that he was the one thing to put me on the road to happiness and perpetual wedded bliss.  Yep, it would not be long now before ALL my dreams would come true.

I was ready to start a family from day one, but understandably my husband wanted to hold off awhile.  It was only a couple years waiting before he gave the green light.  We both were able to get our careers underway and purchased our first home.  Then the news came.  The only thing I ever knew I really wanted since I was a little girl was impossible for us.  There is no way we can have biological children together.  Devastated but still ready to start a family, we signed up the next day for international adoption. 

As I said earlier, we finally were blessed with two beautiful boys, but God led us down a completely different path than when we first started out; our boys are privately adopted from right here in my own home state.  The journey seemed so long.  Through those years, I was beginning to wonder if becoming a mother would ever happen at all.  I felt this sense of being trapped for lack of better words.  The stress of it all revealed some cracks in our marriage.  My life felt out-of-control.  When I was around mature women telling of their own baby stories, I felt left out.  When I would be giving gifts to friends at their baby showers, I would be sitting there wondering if I will ever be on the receiving end.  I constantly had this gnawing sense of waiting – waiting for my life to really begin.  I felt stuck in a career that did not satisfy my soul and a marriage that was not providing that forever wedded bliss.

Hind sight is 20/20.  Yes, these were the most painful years of my life, but also the most used to build my character and faith in God.  God was teaching me about real love and gave me His vision for what my marriage can be.  Certainly, I would not be the Mother I am today if I had not gone through that experience and time of waiting.  I do not take any of the glory for any proud parent moments that come my way.  I am a Mother only by God’s grace and through His perfect plan and timing.  I know that God is true to His Word when he says nothing is impossible with God. 

Today, I am a proud stay-at-home Mom and feel very blessed to be able to do that.   Although I do have aspirations to rejoin the working world at some point, I now realize my true value and worth at home with all my efforts as both a wife and mother.   And, that is enough.  Oh yeah, that “tom boy” that I told you about is still inside me too and I feel right at home playing every day with my boys.  I get to go out and play kick ball and ride bikes.  Life may not be so carefree being on the responsible end of the stick, but it sure is fun!  I am relishing these days and each and every moment while my children are small, getting in all the hugs and kisses I can because I know all too soon I will be sending them off.  I want to prepare them for all of life’s challenges.  Even with all my mistakes and failures (past and present), I know God, who is our perfect parent, is watching over them.  I will have done my job well when my children learn to place their trust in Him too.  I know my boys will go through their own growing pains, but I can trust that God’s hand will guide them and make clear His magnificent plans that He does have in store – just as He did for me.  Yes, my boys came to me by His hand and they belong to Him.  They were never mine to keep. 

Thank you for reading my story, and may God bless you on your own journey