An unfortunate thing happened the other day on one of my friend's facebook page. She posted a status about an observation she had made and the comments that ensued lead to bit of a dispute about single parenting (where the single parent is also working outside the home) verses double parenting (specifically when one parent stays home while the other one works outside the home). The assumptions included things such as it's easy to be a good parent when one of you stays home, working Moms are role modeling realistic work/ life ethics, that stay at home Moms have it made financially, etc. Without sharing too much about the heated back & forth and believe me, I had my own comments to add... I kept thinking "why are us Moms beating each other up because some "get to" stay at home while others work outside the home?" Shouldn't we all be striving to be good parents regardless of our situation (single, double, or other)?
Do I think that being able to parent well is easier & more efficiently/effectively achieved if at least one parent or family member is able to stay home with the child? Yes...BUT only if that parent uses the time with the child to enhance their development. The child is not better off at home if they are in front of a TV all day or if the parent is one their computer/cell phone constantly. In these instances the child would certainly be better off in another environment that can foster learning & play. Likewise, being a stay at home parent is not as glamorous as society makes it out. Most of the Moms I know in this situation have spouses that travel often, are deployed across country or state lines, have spouses that are not engaged with the child(ren), etc. It can be more lonely that the life of a single parent because a single parent at least has a "work" community of adults they can connect with on a daily basis. Even the playgroup I participate in at best meets up once every two weeks. Most of the stay at home parents I know also make huge financial sacrifices in order to support this situation. No movies, no restaurants, no new clothes, no vacations, no fancy parties, etc... These people believe it is more important to have a parent stay home than to engage in the above mentioned spending. They live their lives accordingly and it is not easy.
Good parenting seems infinitely harder for those who are single parents. For obvious reasons...there simply is no one else to share the work load needed to maintain a home inside & out, vehicles, earn income, parent the child(ren) and so on. For all these to be shouldered by one adult is surely a challenge in terms of balance and ability to give their all in each area. Of course good parenting happens with single parents! (I mentioned my own Mom being a good parent in a previous entry). Though, often with the help of extended family and/or network of friends (perhaps other single parents). The sacrifices single parents make are often different yet possibly more powerful than those sacrifices mentioned above. These may include refraining from dating again or remarrying, refraining from extracurricular activities to ensure there is money available for their children's activities, sacrifice where & how they live (my Mom's bedroom was the living room in one apartment so my sister & I could have the actual bedroom), taking lower paid jobs that offer more flexibility, and so on. Whatever time my Mom had after working she spent with us...that's good parenting in my book!
Whether you are a single parent, a parent who has access to an extended community made up of friends & family, or parent with a partner/spouse (where one stays home)...the way to being a good parent is about "owning" your situation, making it what you want it to be in terms of the type of parent you want to be. We can't use our situation as an excuse for why we are struggling to parent well. There is always going to be people who make assumptions about your parenting based off the situations you find yourself. People who make assumptions have their own issues & insecurities! Let your good parenting be the testament to your character & strength as a positive role model. When one parent makes a comment about how valuable it is to spend time at the park engaged with your children...agree with them! Its not a point to be argued...its an experience that any Good Parent makes time for & cherishes!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Hugs
A few weeks ago I attended a breakfast fundraiser at the local YMCA along with some "mom friends" of mine. While we were mingling, one of my friends came over and hugged me "hello." At that moment a light bulb went off! Iit had been so long since I had been hugged (by someone other than my kids or husband) that I actually felt a boost of happiness~a feeling that remained with me all day as I thought about how the simple act of a hug can change a person's attitude for the positive.
I'm no stranger to hugs. Many years before that I created a bulletin board on the topic of hugs. Did you know there are a variety of hugging styles? There's the "bear hug," the "A-frame hug," the "side hug," and so on. I also read once that if you want to live longer you should have 4 hugs/day! Hmmm.... is there a science to all this hugging?
I like hugs. I hug my kids a bazillion times a day and would hug them even more if they'd let me! But I don't seem to "offer" hugs up to friends as much as I would like. I think it's mostly due to a fear of social boundaries and wondering how the hug would be accepted. I have certain friends that I always hug but most friends I do not unless a special occasion warrants. And yet... every time I see my "mom friends" and their child(ren), I always encourage my kids to "hug" goodbye or hello with the other kids. Why do parents encourage hugging among kids? It seems like good etiquette, a nice thing to do. Yet I'm still reflecting on how it is possible that for almost 3 years now, I've been asking my kids to participate in a behavior (hugging their friends) that I myself have I've not been role modeling!
Parents need hugs too...not just from their kids but from other parents. There is something special about making a connection with another who understands, without words, what you go through on a daily basis. Sometimes that squeeze is enough to remind you that you are human! Sometimes I find myself on auto pilot going through the same routines day after day...it is easy to forget about how it feels to be hugged, appreciated, noticed. Parents who give their all often find they are operating on fumes & feel like they just don't have anything left to give, not to anyone. While the parent is giving their best to impact the lives of their children they can lose themselves, lose their energy in the process. Our life's energy makes us who we are and it can be nourished through hugging!
So, to my friends...consider yourself warned! If you see me, you just might get a hug!
I'm no stranger to hugs. Many years before that I created a bulletin board on the topic of hugs. Did you know there are a variety of hugging styles? There's the "bear hug," the "A-frame hug," the "side hug," and so on. I also read once that if you want to live longer you should have 4 hugs/day! Hmmm.... is there a science to all this hugging?
I like hugs. I hug my kids a bazillion times a day and would hug them even more if they'd let me! But I don't seem to "offer" hugs up to friends as much as I would like. I think it's mostly due to a fear of social boundaries and wondering how the hug would be accepted. I have certain friends that I always hug but most friends I do not unless a special occasion warrants. And yet... every time I see my "mom friends" and their child(ren), I always encourage my kids to "hug" goodbye or hello with the other kids. Why do parents encourage hugging among kids? It seems like good etiquette, a nice thing to do. Yet I'm still reflecting on how it is possible that for almost 3 years now, I've been asking my kids to participate in a behavior (hugging their friends) that I myself have I've not been role modeling!
Parents need hugs too...not just from their kids but from other parents. There is something special about making a connection with another who understands, without words, what you go through on a daily basis. Sometimes that squeeze is enough to remind you that you are human! Sometimes I find myself on auto pilot going through the same routines day after day...it is easy to forget about how it feels to be hugged, appreciated, noticed. Parents who give their all often find they are operating on fumes & feel like they just don't have anything left to give, not to anyone. While the parent is giving their best to impact the lives of their children they can lose themselves, lose their energy in the process. Our life's energy makes us who we are and it can be nourished through hugging!
So, to my friends...consider yourself warned! If you see me, you just might get a hug!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Why good parenting?
It has occurred to me that someone out there who knows me or has stumbled upon this blog may be asking themselves, why is she writing about good parenting?
My last blog was about the fear of scarring my children for life in some way, shape, or form. This one is about the fear that I have for all children's safety and for the general well-being of our society. We have seen increased violence within educational environments over the past (10+ yrs) and I think this is a glaring symptom that something has gone terribly off course in terms of parenting. In fact, I think that good parenting is the key to most of the issues society is facing today. Parents MUST focus on raising good people! What does this mean? It means that parents need to role model things like the golden rule (treat others how you want to be treated), to role model being committed (to your partner, to a career, to spending time with your family), to role model being a participant in the community (volunteering, being neighborly, voting), to role model appropriate behaviors (refrain from cursing & smoking, at least in front of kids, refrain from physical & verbal violent acts, refrain from discrimination), to role model love (showing respect, affection, positive affirmations). These are just examples of what I think parents need to do to help ensure they are creating good children who will one day be adults making decisions & impacting the world. I mean comm'on! I know I'm asking for a lot here but its not like I'm saying that a good parent has to eat certain foods, be a tree hugger, attend a place of worship, provide a zillion toys for the kids, and stay home in order to raise good children. Parents don't actually have to BE perfect...but they should try to be a good role model...for the sake of a healthy society!
So writing about being a good parent is not me on my high horse... Its me doing a very little part in trying to save the world that my children are growing up in so that they are safe to live life, to believe in their dreams, to be innovative & inspiring in hopes of creating a better world instead of the current one that seems more violent than what is necessary.
It is beyond heart breaking for those families who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's child in an instance of school violence. I used to take comfort in believing that 99% of people are "good"...however, I think that percentage has dropped especially if you include our global world.
Just think of the trickle down effect of good parenting! It effects your child's self esteem, relationships they have with others (at school, at work, in public, as part of a team), how they model their family life when the time comes. Of course the main obstacle to good parenting is the parent them self...what baggage do you carry that is impacting your ability to parent well? Something to consider. As parents we reap what we sow. Its not too late to be a good parent, to focus on your child's well being, to teach them to be a good person. Parents ARE changing the world, one child at a time.
My last blog was about the fear of scarring my children for life in some way, shape, or form. This one is about the fear that I have for all children's safety and for the general well-being of our society. We have seen increased violence within educational environments over the past (10+ yrs) and I think this is a glaring symptom that something has gone terribly off course in terms of parenting. In fact, I think that good parenting is the key to most of the issues society is facing today. Parents MUST focus on raising good people! What does this mean? It means that parents need to role model things like the golden rule (treat others how you want to be treated), to role model being committed (to your partner, to a career, to spending time with your family), to role model being a participant in the community (volunteering, being neighborly, voting), to role model appropriate behaviors (refrain from cursing & smoking, at least in front of kids, refrain from physical & verbal violent acts, refrain from discrimination), to role model love (showing respect, affection, positive affirmations). These are just examples of what I think parents need to do to help ensure they are creating good children who will one day be adults making decisions & impacting the world. I mean comm'on! I know I'm asking for a lot here but its not like I'm saying that a good parent has to eat certain foods, be a tree hugger, attend a place of worship, provide a zillion toys for the kids, and stay home in order to raise good children. Parents don't actually have to BE perfect...but they should try to be a good role model...for the sake of a healthy society!
So writing about being a good parent is not me on my high horse... Its me doing a very little part in trying to save the world that my children are growing up in so that they are safe to live life, to believe in their dreams, to be innovative & inspiring in hopes of creating a better world instead of the current one that seems more violent than what is necessary.
It is beyond heart breaking for those families who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's child in an instance of school violence. I used to take comfort in believing that 99% of people are "good"...however, I think that percentage has dropped especially if you include our global world.
Just think of the trickle down effect of good parenting! It effects your child's self esteem, relationships they have with others (at school, at work, in public, as part of a team), how they model their family life when the time comes. Of course the main obstacle to good parenting is the parent them self...what baggage do you carry that is impacting your ability to parent well? Something to consider. As parents we reap what we sow. Its not too late to be a good parent, to focus on your child's well being, to teach them to be a good person. Parents ARE changing the world, one child at a time.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The slippery slope, tipping point, fine line.
Tonight I want to talk about one of my greatest parenting fears and yet with my luck will end up being something beyond my control (ah, control...something parents struggle with and which I believe a good parent can eventually slowly relinquish with confidence as their child becomes an adult). The fear that my parenting actions will in some way, somehow, scare (as in a deep cut) my children for life! I really am serious but at the same time I can't help but think of one way in which my own Mom "scared me for life." By the way, I consider my Mom a "good parent."
My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried. Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit. As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry. It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev).
This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it." Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.
The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this). My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting! Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!
There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life. A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand. I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together). I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!
My Mom was a single parent since I was age 8 and while she had significant others she has since never remarried. Living where we did in the Chicago land area we also did not have any family in the entire state of IL to assist with the raising of us kids. On top of that, cooking, was not and still isn't her strong suit. As a result, we ate a lot of Mac N Cheese! When my Mom did cook the food didn't taste that great nor was it visually appealing. For as long as I can remember, until I was able to pay for my own food & was on my own in terms of providing meals for myself as a graduated college student, I never ate pork chops or ate poultry. It wasn't because I had some environmental agenda, it was because my Mom had scared me for life in terms of being totally grossed out by those foods! Today I can report (at the age of 40) that I do & will eat those foods but only certain cuts & only when prepared certain ways (for instance I don't think I've ever eaten chicken kiev).
This is the kind of thing I hope to avoid with my own children. Now mind you, my Mom didn't intentionally try to scare me. It just happened to be a series of meal situations over & over with understandable philosophies behind them like "this is whats for dinner, if you don't like it, dont' eat it." Could she have taken the time to include me in on preparing meals, etc...maybe but I'll cut her some slack since she was doing the best she could in those circumstances.
The scare for life issue I am currently worried about with my daughter is new territory for me (and other Moms I've approached about this). My child who is almost 5 seems to have an obsession with saving things: clothes that no longer fit her, her art work- everything she ever created, even poopy undies that Mommy refuses to clean because they are disgusting! Along with this she is overly concerned about "remembering" things, events, etc. She doesn't want to forget anything (and she actually has a terrific memory). She asks me to take pictures of things to remember them (for instance when I insist on donating old clothes). I am SO AFRAID that how I respond to her or help her navigate these situations will ultimately turn her into a hoarder!!! Have you seen that show??? Is this going to be the issue I end up scaring my child because I'm forcing her to throw things away, hand me down, or donate? Or if I refuse to take a picture or erase it later thinking she forgot until she asks to see it and freaks because I deleted it? omgosh!!!
There are going to be issues that come up particular to your child that if they are not dealt with in a helpful, thoughtful, caring way then they might just scare your child for life. A good parent is going to think about the possible "outcome" of each method they use to assist the child in dealing with the issue at hand. I have been taking the time to talk with my daughter about "why" the object is so special, how we can remember it without keeping it (in some cases we've cut the art work down in size to make it manageable to save & in other cases we take a picture of 3 pieces of art together). I've involved her in the donating process so she understands that the items she no longer plays with or wears can make someone else happy. And most of all I've tried to understand where she is coming from, refraining from being pushy & yet staying firm so she knows a healthy direction to go. It's a fine line, a slippery slope. I don't know what the tipping point is that actually causes someone to be scared for life. But I do know that I want to do whatever I can to spare my kids from finding out!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Doing your research
I've been wanting to blog for over a week but with the preparation of my spouse leaving the country on business and my failure to keep bedside notes of ideas to blog about...I am taking a moment tonight to throw this one up here.
It is so important for parents to do their research when making decisions about how to proceed in dealing with/responding to a child's behavior(s). Ok, so it's also important to do your research with a lot of other aspects of child rearing such as in terms of health decisions (to vaccine now or wait or not at all for example), to research the quality of baby products (from detergents to car seats), to researching babysitters & schools and so on. But this blog is about behaviors...sleeping in particular.
I do not know one parent who has not struggled in some aspect when it comes to the topic of children and sleeping. Some parents may not acknowledge their struggle(s) and some resolve/cope with the struggles more quickly & efficient than others, making it seem as if they "hardly had any issues at all." Some parents may have been "lucky" with one child who "was always a good sleeper" but it is likely their second or third child had issues! LOL
About a month ago, I was alarmed by a friend's facebook post about her daughter's difficulty going to bed and staying in bed (or staying asleep). My friend asked in her status whether anyone had ever used Melatonin as a sleep aid for their child. To my horror (sorry, but I really was shocked), there were 4 Moms who replied saying "yes" they have & encouraged my friend to do the same. One even mentioned where she could buy it and dosing. I chimed in saying "no one I know uses this for their child & that she needs to consult a physician for a diagnosis if the sleep problem really is something that needs to be corrected with drugs." As I write this I'm trying to be calm because the thought of parents experimenting on their children is NOT good parenting (to say the least).
A friend of mine who is a Mom I respect & also a nurse, shared the following two articles with me. If you take the time to google the use of Melatonin, use with children, etc you will find similar information.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2009/12/post_6.html
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/940.html
All of you parents out there...GOOD PARENTING IS HARD... The likelihood that your child has some behavioral issue that is so severe that it requires drugs of any kind is not the norm! It is a rare thing. If you are too tired, too busy, too ignorant, etc to deal with teaching your child healthy sleep patterns then that is your issue, not your childs. The child depends on the parent to create environments that are stable, healthy, & supportive of healthy patterns...without the worry of being drugged! I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents "joke" about giving their kid benedryl to get them to relax & fall asleep better! That parents even think along these lines is crazy to me! A good parent is someone who vigilantly tries every method they know, heard of, researched, and so on before they resort to drugs. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF PARENTING...sorry to be the burden of bad news. You made the choice to be a parent (however that choice came about)...bringing a child into your home to love & care for mind, body, & spirit (the whole package). Be that parent! Do your research, your child's life depends on it. And SUPER KUDDOS to those of you who work your butt off addressing your child(rens) behavioral issues!
It is so important for parents to do their research when making decisions about how to proceed in dealing with/responding to a child's behavior(s). Ok, so it's also important to do your research with a lot of other aspects of child rearing such as in terms of health decisions (to vaccine now or wait or not at all for example), to research the quality of baby products (from detergents to car seats), to researching babysitters & schools and so on. But this blog is about behaviors...sleeping in particular.
I do not know one parent who has not struggled in some aspect when it comes to the topic of children and sleeping. Some parents may not acknowledge their struggle(s) and some resolve/cope with the struggles more quickly & efficient than others, making it seem as if they "hardly had any issues at all." Some parents may have been "lucky" with one child who "was always a good sleeper" but it is likely their second or third child had issues! LOL
About a month ago, I was alarmed by a friend's facebook post about her daughter's difficulty going to bed and staying in bed (or staying asleep). My friend asked in her status whether anyone had ever used Melatonin as a sleep aid for their child. To my horror (sorry, but I really was shocked), there were 4 Moms who replied saying "yes" they have & encouraged my friend to do the same. One even mentioned where she could buy it and dosing. I chimed in saying "no one I know uses this for their child & that she needs to consult a physician for a diagnosis if the sleep problem really is something that needs to be corrected with drugs." As I write this I'm trying to be calm because the thought of parents experimenting on their children is NOT good parenting (to say the least).
A friend of mine who is a Mom I respect & also a nurse, shared the following two articles with me. If you take the time to google the use of Melatonin, use with children, etc you will find similar information.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2009/12/post_6.html
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/940.html
All of you parents out there...GOOD PARENTING IS HARD... The likelihood that your child has some behavioral issue that is so severe that it requires drugs of any kind is not the norm! It is a rare thing. If you are too tired, too busy, too ignorant, etc to deal with teaching your child healthy sleep patterns then that is your issue, not your childs. The child depends on the parent to create environments that are stable, healthy, & supportive of healthy patterns...without the worry of being drugged! I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents "joke" about giving their kid benedryl to get them to relax & fall asleep better! That parents even think along these lines is crazy to me! A good parent is someone who vigilantly tries every method they know, heard of, researched, and so on before they resort to drugs. THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF PARENTING...sorry to be the burden of bad news. You made the choice to be a parent (however that choice came about)...bringing a child into your home to love & care for mind, body, & spirit (the whole package). Be that parent! Do your research, your child's life depends on it. And SUPER KUDDOS to those of you who work your butt off addressing your child(rens) behavioral issues!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Parenting: the best kept secret
Maybe I just didn't run around with the right crowd when I was first pregnant or maybe the people I did know who were parents just blocked out all the challenges they encountered while parenting (like my own Mother!lol). Or maybe they couldn't wait to see me flounder just as they had because no one gave them a heads up either as to how difficult it is to parent well...i don't know. What I do know this tat despite the books and resources out there, parenting is still the best kept secret around!
I remember vividly the things that people told me as I prepared for my first child. I'm sure some if not all will sound familiar to those who are also parents. Phrases like "Newborns sleep all the time," "Just feed the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry," "Try to sleep when the baby sleeps." Now that it's been a few years, I can look back and chuckle because these common phrases couldn't be further from the reality I experienced as a first time parent. My newborn slept an avg of 10 hrs/day. She was referred to as a "wakeful baby" defying all typical newborn sleep patterns until she was about 7months old when something just clicked for her and she began to fit the routine of successful sleepers.
The idea of sleeping when the baby slept was throw way out of the window! Even when the baby did take regular longer naps that was my time to check in with the rest of the world. As a new Mom I felt disconnected & out of the loop in nearly every aspect of my life prior to having kids. Yeah...no one told me either how lonely it can be being a first time Mom. Not literally lonely, because I'm with the baby, but since baby can't talk back...the middle of the night and the middle of the day (if you stay home) are pretty lonely times. So when I did "get a break" I made phone calls, checked email, made appts, made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, ATE, went to the bathroom, and so on! I did these things when I "should have been sleeping" according to everyone else because when my baby was awake, I wanted to be fully engaged with her. And considering I have a pretty amazing first born, I'm so glad I didn't sleep my free time away! Don't get me wrong...new Moms DO NEED SLEEP! I would encourage new Moms to ask family members & Dad to do the cleaning, make the meals, laundry, & play/attend to the baby. Inviting your extended family community in to assist you is the ideal situation...If only Mom's didn't have to feel the pressure of being perfect in their role!
As for feeding the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry. Didn't you know that babies come with a timer that announces when they are hungry? Its known as a cry but it's also the same alarm for diaper change, boredom, temperature control, sickness and any other need they have. The fact is that it is difficult for new parents to distinguish the cries. It makes parents question their gut feelings, question their parenting methods, creates frustration due to inability to communicate/desire to fix what's wrong/ & anxiety society puts on parents if heaven forbid your child is fussy in public! Oh and no one told me that I might need my husband to retrain my child's arms from flailing around during breast feeding! Its really not easy teaching a baby how to eat when it doesn't come "naturally" to either Mom or newborn.
There is so much that parents do not talk about...and every parent has their own "secrets" in terms of what they don't usually share with others (i.e. parents sleeping in their kids bed in order to get the child to fall asleep, taking pictures of poopy underwear- ask me, its no longer a secret!, or how they don't discipline their kids because they just don't know how and are too overwhelmed to ask for help.)
If you are expecting your first child, expect the unexpected! I know so many children with food allergies, learning variations, chronic ear infections, inabilities to breast feed, etc. These things themselves have nothing to do with whether you are a good parent...however, a good parent will do their best to seek a variety of advice in preparation for their parenting journey!
I remember vividly the things that people told me as I prepared for my first child. I'm sure some if not all will sound familiar to those who are also parents. Phrases like "Newborns sleep all the time," "Just feed the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry," "Try to sleep when the baby sleeps." Now that it's been a few years, I can look back and chuckle because these common phrases couldn't be further from the reality I experienced as a first time parent. My newborn slept an avg of 10 hrs/day. She was referred to as a "wakeful baby" defying all typical newborn sleep patterns until she was about 7months old when something just clicked for her and she began to fit the routine of successful sleepers.
The idea of sleeping when the baby slept was throw way out of the window! Even when the baby did take regular longer naps that was my time to check in with the rest of the world. As a new Mom I felt disconnected & out of the loop in nearly every aspect of my life prior to having kids. Yeah...no one told me either how lonely it can be being a first time Mom. Not literally lonely, because I'm with the baby, but since baby can't talk back...the middle of the night and the middle of the day (if you stay home) are pretty lonely times. So when I did "get a break" I made phone calls, checked email, made appts, made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, ATE, went to the bathroom, and so on! I did these things when I "should have been sleeping" according to everyone else because when my baby was awake, I wanted to be fully engaged with her. And considering I have a pretty amazing first born, I'm so glad I didn't sleep my free time away! Don't get me wrong...new Moms DO NEED SLEEP! I would encourage new Moms to ask family members & Dad to do the cleaning, make the meals, laundry, & play/attend to the baby. Inviting your extended family community in to assist you is the ideal situation...If only Mom's didn't have to feel the pressure of being perfect in their role!
As for feeding the baby every 2 hrs or when he/she is hungry. Didn't you know that babies come with a timer that announces when they are hungry? Its known as a cry but it's also the same alarm for diaper change, boredom, temperature control, sickness and any other need they have. The fact is that it is difficult for new parents to distinguish the cries. It makes parents question their gut feelings, question their parenting methods, creates frustration due to inability to communicate/desire to fix what's wrong/ & anxiety society puts on parents if heaven forbid your child is fussy in public! Oh and no one told me that I might need my husband to retrain my child's arms from flailing around during breast feeding! Its really not easy teaching a baby how to eat when it doesn't come "naturally" to either Mom or newborn.
There is so much that parents do not talk about...and every parent has their own "secrets" in terms of what they don't usually share with others (i.e. parents sleeping in their kids bed in order to get the child to fall asleep, taking pictures of poopy underwear- ask me, its no longer a secret!, or how they don't discipline their kids because they just don't know how and are too overwhelmed to ask for help.)
If you are expecting your first child, expect the unexpected! I know so many children with food allergies, learning variations, chronic ear infections, inabilities to breast feed, etc. These things themselves have nothing to do with whether you are a good parent...however, a good parent will do their best to seek a variety of advice in preparation for their parenting journey!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The truth & nothing but the truth
There is a reason why young children are rarely put on the witness stand. Children have a unique way in which they perceive the world and if you've ever asked a child to describe what they did that day or even a few minutes ago and then you asked them that question again later, you would likely get very different stories much less accurate to what reality would reply if it could. When I was in the second grade we made a "book" that was comprised of daily questions. The students would answer the questions (via learning to write) and draw a picture to go with their response. One question was this: What will you be like when you are 40? My reply was: I will be shopping and drinking tea all day. Even at that age I had limited concept of how old 40 was/is nor what would be appropriate behaviors for someone of that age. No one in my family is big into shopping or drinking tea...where the heck did I come up with this response? It makes me laugh even now.
Today I had a dose of my own child's perspective of a particular situation. We were at a play date with other children who are very familiar with my own and it was a positive experience......until.....one child began to cry and explained to her Mommy that my daughter had hurt her in the back/side. I asked my daughter to explain what happened. My daughter said she was no where near the hurt child but ran to her once she heard her cry. When I asked my daughter "what do you think happened?" She explained that my son had done it! (Which was not true because he was the only child not in the same room as the injured child). I pointed this out, asked my daughter again if she had anything to do with hurting her friend, and she was adamant that she did not. I actually spoke with her about this on the way home from the play date again and she has never changed her story about not hurting the girl. She did offer some suggestions but finalized with "I don't know how she got hurt."
Now, while it is unlike my daughter to hurt another child (especially this one who we see so often & get along with)...it is also unlike the injured child to blame her friend for hurting her unless it was true. So, is one child more "right" than the other? There is a fine line...very young children rarely have the ability to just "make up a story" about how they got hurt and yet at some point when they ARE old enough to attempt to explain what happened, their stories are wacky due to their child perspectives. And at some point as a child grows to an older child they do learn to be more accurate, thorough, and learn the difference between right & wrong. My child has told non-truths before so I know she is entering the world between knowing right from wrong, however, she doesn't get why not telling the truth is sometimes more "wrong" than had she just fessed up. In this case though, I am left really wondering.
What can a parent do to encourage telling the truth? My suggestion is to share with the child the various perspectives in any given scenario. And that is what I did. I spoke with my daughter about what each of the children may have been doing when the injury occurred, how the injured girl felt, how important it is to apologize if you hurt someone, I even talked with her about what the Mommies may be feeling when one of their kids gets hurt or hurts someone else. Maybe by sharing a broad range of perspectives it frees a child up to understanding the whole picture/situation a little bit clearer than they might have otherwise.
The other peice is letting the child know the types of consequences associated with telling non-truths.
I'm gearing up for many more of these conversations before any of it sinks in and her "child" perspective widens to be more accurate, honest, and insync with reality. This is new territory!
Today I had a dose of my own child's perspective of a particular situation. We were at a play date with other children who are very familiar with my own and it was a positive experience......until.....one child began to cry and explained to her Mommy that my daughter had hurt her in the back/side. I asked my daughter to explain what happened. My daughter said she was no where near the hurt child but ran to her once she heard her cry. When I asked my daughter "what do you think happened?" She explained that my son had done it! (Which was not true because he was the only child not in the same room as the injured child). I pointed this out, asked my daughter again if she had anything to do with hurting her friend, and she was adamant that she did not. I actually spoke with her about this on the way home from the play date again and she has never changed her story about not hurting the girl. She did offer some suggestions but finalized with "I don't know how she got hurt."
Now, while it is unlike my daughter to hurt another child (especially this one who we see so often & get along with)...it is also unlike the injured child to blame her friend for hurting her unless it was true. So, is one child more "right" than the other? There is a fine line...very young children rarely have the ability to just "make up a story" about how they got hurt and yet at some point when they ARE old enough to attempt to explain what happened, their stories are wacky due to their child perspectives. And at some point as a child grows to an older child they do learn to be more accurate, thorough, and learn the difference between right & wrong. My child has told non-truths before so I know she is entering the world between knowing right from wrong, however, she doesn't get why not telling the truth is sometimes more "wrong" than had she just fessed up. In this case though, I am left really wondering.
What can a parent do to encourage telling the truth? My suggestion is to share with the child the various perspectives in any given scenario. And that is what I did. I spoke with my daughter about what each of the children may have been doing when the injury occurred, how the injured girl felt, how important it is to apologize if you hurt someone, I even talked with her about what the Mommies may be feeling when one of their kids gets hurt or hurts someone else. Maybe by sharing a broad range of perspectives it frees a child up to understanding the whole picture/situation a little bit clearer than they might have otherwise.
The other peice is letting the child know the types of consequences associated with telling non-truths.
I'm gearing up for many more of these conversations before any of it sinks in and her "child" perspective widens to be more accurate, honest, and insync with reality. This is new territory!
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