At various time when my babies were babies, I looked forward to and almost longed for the days when both kids would finally be in school full time. Well, those days have arrived! For the past 5 months I've been juggling the lives of a kindergartener and second grader (in addition to my own and sometimes my husbands). I used to think that because the kids would be "gone all day" that I would get so much accomplished in their absence, leaving me nothing else to do but dote on them when they returned home. It would be so great! Ha ha ha ha! That is so not how our reality is playing out! Here is an example of a typical week-day in our household:
6:30am I get up, shower & dress
6:50am I set up breakfast and pack lunches
7:05am I wake up both kids, they get dressed & I do my daughters hair
7:15am We three eat breakfast together
7:30am Brush teeth
7:40am leave the house for school
7:50am drop kids off at school for 8am start.
(I go to work daily from 8am-12:30pm)
From 12:30-2:30pm I use this time to eat my lunch, do household chores, set up dinner, workout, run errands.
2:30pm-go to pick up kids
2:45pm Pick up kids
3:00pm home from pick up, unpack lunch bags & folders, take out homework, read papers
3:00pm kids have snack
3:10pm kids do homework
3:45pm one kid is finished and goes off to play
4:00pm other one finishes and joins sibling to play. I put away homework, begin to prep dinner
5:00pm eat dinner together
5:30pm showers
6:00pm reading homework for both kids
6:30pm TV show for the kids while they have a snack
7:00pm One kid goes to practice piano while other kid gets ready for bed
7:30pm we are all upstairs. By now my husband is home so he is catching up with the kids as one gets ready for bed.
7:45pm both kids are in bed.
NOTE: the above time line is for days we do not have piano or swim lessons. On those days, the items between 3:30pm- 6:30pm are shifted around to accommodate the extra curricular activity.
Our lives these days are very scheduled with very little wiggle room. Often times the kids will ask to have "play dates" with their friends. It makes me sad to say "but we don't have time during the week." However, it is literally the truth. I barely have time with them during the week. My time with them is spent shuffling them from one task or activity to another & over seeing everything. My parenting has been more of managing verses "teaching"...like when they were babies. This makes me sad too because as a parent/manager I'm more often than not "the bad guy." I'm the one who has to cut off their play time after an hour so we can eat. When I mention the word "shower" they run away from me! When I was parent/teacher I felt as though I was this positive role model introducing my children to the world and they were sponges who didn't want to leave Mommy's side. As parents we will wear many hats as our children grow. Its good to spend time reflecting on how you're parenting these days and thank goodness for weekends when you can make up the deficiencies!
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Time for a change
Hello Readers! Happy New Year 2014! It has been a few months since the last posts. It hasn't been for lack of parenting topics to write about but rather that for some time I've been thinking about changing the focus of this blog--still about parenting but from a different angle. There have been a lot of changes in my life too as my children grow up so the role of Motherhood gets tweaked along the way. I also picked up a part time job outside of the home and am still trying to organize my life such that I can find that ever elusive "me" time. It is a goal of mine to have the new blog up & active before too long. Much of it is dependent on finding someone to help me with the blog layout/format. My hope it to make the blog more personal and long lasting. I've appreciated you taking the time to read my experiences, thoughts on what being a Good Parent is all about, and chiming in as you've felt a connection. Stay tuned and have a great year!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Full Circle: Rhonda's story
Becoming a Good Parent requires a little reflection on and appreciation for your personal journey to becoming a parent. Many of my friends had difficult pregnancies, waiting countless years, experienced multiple miscarriages, or were not able to conceive/carry on their own. I believe these journey's create a foundation for and have a profound impact on how we parent our children.
Last month I asked if any readers were interested in sharing a parenting story. I have the honor to share Rhonda's story with you today:
Last month I asked if any readers were interested in sharing a parenting story. I have the honor to share Rhonda's story with you today:
Thank you, Christy, for opening up your blog page to
me. Here is a little of my story.
God finally did bless me with two wonderful boys, but my
road to motherhood was not easy.
I was a “tom boy” growing up and I did not relate well to
girls wanting to play dress up and Barbie dolls. A good game of kick ball and maybe a bike
ride around the block…now you’re talking!
I had an older brother and maybe that had something to do with it. For someone so full of life, and active as I
was, it so frustrated me that I could not find that magical answer for when
people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. You know that answer that would make them
pleased and one that would make me smile on the inside too. Couldn’t life just stay like this – fun and
carefree? I was born with one arm. I prided myself on proving people wrong when
they thought I could not do something. So
why was this question so hard? This
adult world seemed a bit scary and I had no idea what I would do in it. I did envy others who knew exactly what they
wanted to do. I love my parents dearly
and do appreciate all that they did for me.
However, as no parent is ever perfect, I feel that guidance was a little
lacking when it came to helping me succeed in school as well as planning and
preparing me for my future.
Well, I did come to know, eventually, what I wanted out of
life, but it was not enough for today’s woman.
I felt the push of our culture to become a strong, independent, career-minded
woman. The desire to maintain a certain
standard of living was there too and so just being a wife and mother surely was
not enough.
So, I went to college.
Growing up, this path was kind of just expected because my parents held
degrees, although we really did not talk about it. Fortunately, I found my future husband during
this time. He was my complete opposite
in so many ways. Where I was weak, he
was strong and vice versa. Some said it
was a match made in Heaven and we were in love.
I was certain that he was the one thing to put me on the road to
happiness and perpetual wedded bliss.
Yep, it would not be long now before ALL my dreams would come true.
I was ready to start a family from day one, but
understandably my husband wanted to hold off awhile. It was only a couple years waiting before he
gave the green light. We both were able
to get our careers underway and purchased our first home. Then the news came. The only thing I ever knew I really wanted
since I was a little girl was impossible for us. There is no way we can have biological
children together. Devastated but still
ready to start a family, we signed up the next day for international
adoption.
As I said earlier, we finally were blessed with two
beautiful boys, but God led us down a completely different path than when we
first started out; our boys are privately adopted from right here in my own
home state. The journey seemed so
long. Through those years, I was
beginning to wonder if becoming a mother would ever happen at all. I felt this sense of being trapped for lack
of better words. The stress of it all
revealed some cracks in our marriage. My
life felt out-of-control. When I was around
mature women telling of their own baby stories, I felt left out. When I would be giving gifts to friends at their
baby showers, I would be sitting there wondering if I will ever be on the
receiving end. I constantly had this
gnawing sense of waiting – waiting for my life to really begin. I felt stuck in a career that did not satisfy
my soul and a marriage that was not providing that forever wedded bliss.
Hind sight is 20/20.
Yes, these were the most painful years of my life, but also the most
used to build my character and faith in God.
God was teaching me about real love and gave me His vision for what my
marriage can be. Certainly, I would not
be the Mother I am today if I had not gone through that experience and time of
waiting. I do not take any of the glory
for any proud parent moments that come my way.
I am a Mother only by God’s grace and through His perfect plan and
timing. I know that God is true to His Word
when he says nothing is impossible with God.
Today, I am a proud stay-at-home Mom and feel very blessed
to be able to do that. Although I do have
aspirations to rejoin the working world at some point, I now realize my true value
and worth at home with all my efforts as both a wife and mother. And, that is enough. Oh yeah, that “tom boy” that I told you about
is still inside me too and I feel right at home playing every day with my boys. I get to go out and play kick ball and ride
bikes. Life may not be so carefree being
on the responsible end of the stick, but it sure is fun! I am relishing these days and each and every
moment while my children are small, getting in all the hugs and kisses I can
because I know all too soon I will be sending them off. I want to prepare them for all of life’s
challenges. Even with all my mistakes
and failures (past and present), I know God, who is our perfect parent, is watching
over them. I will have done my job well
when my children learn to place their trust in Him too. I know my boys will go through their own
growing pains, but I can trust that God’s hand will guide them and make clear
His magnificent plans that He does have in store – just as He did for me. Yes, my boys came to me by His hand and they
belong to Him. They were never mine to
keep.
Thank you for reading my story, and may God
bless you on your own journey
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My secret to good behavior
Over the course of the 6 years I have been a parent, I've received many compliments on how my children are so well behaved. In fact, I'm sure that most of you won't believe me when I say that I can count on one hand (per child) how many tantrums each have ever had thus far in their short lives(age 4 & 6). It is true, really. And it was no surprise to me when my daughter won the "overall best behavior" award at the end of year kindergarten party. How my children act in public is exactly how they are at home...oh wait...they are probably even better behaved at home! At home the environment is predictable, safe, familiar as opposed to the public where there are many unknowns- Mommy talking to strangers, sitting in traffic, temptations at the store) for the little ones that may cause them to be more on edge and prone to misbehaving.
Some have asked "what's your secret?" (If you are going to read any further you MUST believe that discipline is a good parenting tool and has it's place in how parents can teach their children to be responsible & accountable for their behaviors.) I usually reply saying that I use the "Super Nanny" method of Time Out because most parents know about Super Nanny. The funny thing is that once I tell people I use time out, they usually tune-out. I'm not exactly sure why? I can guess because they think it involves a lot of work, or they think this method won't work for them, or they are really thinking my kids only behave well because they were born that way! LOL. I think 2 people have asked me for specifics over the years. I've even offered to go to friends' homes to demonstrate- jokingly inviting kids to "Camp Christine." That is how much I believe in the discipline method called Time Out.
You can begin to incorporate Time Outs into your response to poor behaviors from your child as early as 12 Months (Age 1). I'll give you a few minutes to get over the shock. Whether baby can walk or crawl, at age 1 your baby will start to engage in behaviors that are unwanted such as "screaming." Ok, sure, baby is trying out their newly discovered vocal cords as language development is really taking off at this age. BUT that doesn't mean baby should rule the house & wake the neighbors with her shrieks & screams! Its not acceptable. Here is what you do:
1. Baby Screams in the house.
2. Verbally go to baby, get down to baby's level and say calm & assertively "No screaming. We do not scream in the house."
3. Baby screams again (for example 5 minutes later). Repeat #2 and include. "If baby screams again, baby will go into the Time Out."
NOTE: The time out location should not be in their bedroom and should be in a discrete location/corner away from general play areas but not completely out of general sight.
You can show baby the "time out" location either now or prior to starting this regimen.
4. Baby screams again (for example 15 min later). Repeat #2 and include "Mommy said that if you screamed again, you will go in time out. You just screamed and that is a no-no." Take baby to time out location. "Because you screamed in the house, you will sit here for 1 minute. We do not scream in the house." Sit with baby, in the time out location for 1 minute- silently. After 1 minute, review why baby went into time out. Always say the following "Mommy loves you but Mommy does not love the screaming. Please do not scream again the house or you will keep going into time out." I always hug my child & tell him/her how much I love them.
Your 1 year old will likely look at you with a blank stare the whole time in the beginning. Just go through the motions. You will discover when it is an appropriate time for you to no longer sit beside them during time outs...and you will communicate to them that they are to sit their by themselves. This may not happen until age 2 and that's is okay! The rule of thumb is that they sit in the corner 1 minute for every year of life. It is good practice for when their understanding really sinks in...and the repetition with the child at this age will actually make it easier for them later because they will know the routine, know what is expected of them, and know that you are holding them accountable. Children as young as age 1 are always testing boundaries. They look to their parents to learn right from wrong, to learn appropriate social norms, to be consistent in their lives, to be strong leaders.
Once you go through the steps above, it is up to you if you want to always give a three strikes then time out or if you start the day reminding them of acceptable behaviors and go immediately to time out when a slip up occurs. Your children WILL NOTICE when you slip up and fail to follow through. Discipline only works when there is consistency. If your spouse shares the disciplining, you may need to role play how to do "Time Outs." The child should have nearly the same experience every time. When discipline is predictable, it allows the child to actually focus on what the poor behavior is at hand.
As the baby gets older and comprehension expands, the Time Out experience can include a comprehension check where you ask "do you understand why Mommy put you in a time out?" or "why did you throw the ball at your sister? how do you think that made her feel?" In addition to talking with your child about alternative behaviors that would be more appropriate such as "what could you have said to your sister instead of just taking the ball? what could you have done differently?" Be aware that ages 2 & 3 require a lot of reflecting of emotions in your conversations with the child in helping them understand why they behaved the way they did, such as "Were you mad at your Sister when you threw the ball?"
As soon as baby can speak then step 5 should be used to wrap up the time out. This is the step where the baby (now child) apologizes for their poor behavior/behavior choices. Do not let the apology slide! It is important that other children trust & respect your child and they will only do so when your child begins to recognize right from wrong. It is a humbling experience to apologize to someone but it is a good lesson all children should experience for it builds character!
Prior to being a parent, I was a supervisor of undergraduate college student Resident Assistants(RAs). I tried to create a very open, trust worthy, respectful relationship with my staff. Even though the RAs were usually the "cream of the crop" in terms of upstanding behaviors, a desire to follow the rules, etc... there were still instances when staff did not fulfill expectations. Along the way I've heard every excuse in the book! But the one phrase I longed to hear most was "It won't happen again." I have already begun the good work with my children in helping them understand that mistakes & accidents do happen. The fact that they happen is not earth shattering or horrible. They are a fact of life. No one is perfect. However, no excuse will ever take the place of taking ownership for your behaviors and committing to change so that the same issues do not repeat. It is about the choices we make once an issue occurs. Do we take paths that lead us back to poor behaviors? What do we take away as a learning experience? Do we understand the consequences to our behaviors?
It is never too late to incorporate Time Outs into your parental discipline routine! If your child is older, you may want to explain up front the changes that are going to occur when poor behavior rears it's head. You may need to sit with them at first to role model that you mean business! There are lots of ways to tweak your style of time outs. Some parents want their child to face the wall, some have the child stand vs. sit. Some allow the child to have a lovey object with them in the time out spot, others might flex on the timing one sits in time out.
Ahhh- silly are those parents who thought discipline was a simple as a swat on the butt...no way! That's the kind of discipline that leads to dysfunctional people! The swat on the butt is easy though... but (no pun intended) who said good parenting was easy? not me! Discipline is involved and it is intense! It is also perhaps the BEST thing you can do for your child, especially when done right.
If you haven't used the Time Out method and have additional questions after reading this, please email or fb message me! I'm only an expert on what works with my kids however, I can give lots of ideas & encouragement as your respond to your kid(s) behaviors!
Some have asked "what's your secret?" (If you are going to read any further you MUST believe that discipline is a good parenting tool and has it's place in how parents can teach their children to be responsible & accountable for their behaviors.) I usually reply saying that I use the "Super Nanny" method of Time Out because most parents know about Super Nanny. The funny thing is that once I tell people I use time out, they usually tune-out. I'm not exactly sure why? I can guess because they think it involves a lot of work, or they think this method won't work for them, or they are really thinking my kids only behave well because they were born that way! LOL. I think 2 people have asked me for specifics over the years. I've even offered to go to friends' homes to demonstrate- jokingly inviting kids to "Camp Christine." That is how much I believe in the discipline method called Time Out.
You can begin to incorporate Time Outs into your response to poor behaviors from your child as early as 12 Months (Age 1). I'll give you a few minutes to get over the shock. Whether baby can walk or crawl, at age 1 your baby will start to engage in behaviors that are unwanted such as "screaming." Ok, sure, baby is trying out their newly discovered vocal cords as language development is really taking off at this age. BUT that doesn't mean baby should rule the house & wake the neighbors with her shrieks & screams! Its not acceptable. Here is what you do:
1. Baby Screams in the house.
2. Verbally go to baby, get down to baby's level and say calm & assertively "No screaming. We do not scream in the house."
3. Baby screams again (for example 5 minutes later). Repeat #2 and include. "If baby screams again, baby will go into the Time Out."
NOTE: The time out location should not be in their bedroom and should be in a discrete location/corner away from general play areas but not completely out of general sight.
You can show baby the "time out" location either now or prior to starting this regimen.
4. Baby screams again (for example 15 min later). Repeat #2 and include "Mommy said that if you screamed again, you will go in time out. You just screamed and that is a no-no." Take baby to time out location. "Because you screamed in the house, you will sit here for 1 minute. We do not scream in the house." Sit with baby, in the time out location for 1 minute- silently. After 1 minute, review why baby went into time out. Always say the following "Mommy loves you but Mommy does not love the screaming. Please do not scream again the house or you will keep going into time out." I always hug my child & tell him/her how much I love them.
Your 1 year old will likely look at you with a blank stare the whole time in the beginning. Just go through the motions. You will discover when it is an appropriate time for you to no longer sit beside them during time outs...and you will communicate to them that they are to sit their by themselves. This may not happen until age 2 and that's is okay! The rule of thumb is that they sit in the corner 1 minute for every year of life. It is good practice for when their understanding really sinks in...and the repetition with the child at this age will actually make it easier for them later because they will know the routine, know what is expected of them, and know that you are holding them accountable. Children as young as age 1 are always testing boundaries. They look to their parents to learn right from wrong, to learn appropriate social norms, to be consistent in their lives, to be strong leaders.
Once you go through the steps above, it is up to you if you want to always give a three strikes then time out or if you start the day reminding them of acceptable behaviors and go immediately to time out when a slip up occurs. Your children WILL NOTICE when you slip up and fail to follow through. Discipline only works when there is consistency. If your spouse shares the disciplining, you may need to role play how to do "Time Outs." The child should have nearly the same experience every time. When discipline is predictable, it allows the child to actually focus on what the poor behavior is at hand.
As the baby gets older and comprehension expands, the Time Out experience can include a comprehension check where you ask "do you understand why Mommy put you in a time out?" or "why did you throw the ball at your sister? how do you think that made her feel?" In addition to talking with your child about alternative behaviors that would be more appropriate such as "what could you have said to your sister instead of just taking the ball? what could you have done differently?" Be aware that ages 2 & 3 require a lot of reflecting of emotions in your conversations with the child in helping them understand why they behaved the way they did, such as "Were you mad at your Sister when you threw the ball?"
As soon as baby can speak then step 5 should be used to wrap up the time out. This is the step where the baby (now child) apologizes for their poor behavior/behavior choices. Do not let the apology slide! It is important that other children trust & respect your child and they will only do so when your child begins to recognize right from wrong. It is a humbling experience to apologize to someone but it is a good lesson all children should experience for it builds character!
Prior to being a parent, I was a supervisor of undergraduate college student Resident Assistants(RAs). I tried to create a very open, trust worthy, respectful relationship with my staff. Even though the RAs were usually the "cream of the crop" in terms of upstanding behaviors, a desire to follow the rules, etc... there were still instances when staff did not fulfill expectations. Along the way I've heard every excuse in the book! But the one phrase I longed to hear most was "It won't happen again." I have already begun the good work with my children in helping them understand that mistakes & accidents do happen. The fact that they happen is not earth shattering or horrible. They are a fact of life. No one is perfect. However, no excuse will ever take the place of taking ownership for your behaviors and committing to change so that the same issues do not repeat. It is about the choices we make once an issue occurs. Do we take paths that lead us back to poor behaviors? What do we take away as a learning experience? Do we understand the consequences to our behaviors?
It is never too late to incorporate Time Outs into your parental discipline routine! If your child is older, you may want to explain up front the changes that are going to occur when poor behavior rears it's head. You may need to sit with them at first to role model that you mean business! There are lots of ways to tweak your style of time outs. Some parents want their child to face the wall, some have the child stand vs. sit. Some allow the child to have a lovey object with them in the time out spot, others might flex on the timing one sits in time out.
Ahhh- silly are those parents who thought discipline was a simple as a swat on the butt...no way! That's the kind of discipline that leads to dysfunctional people! The swat on the butt is easy though... but (no pun intended) who said good parenting was easy? not me! Discipline is involved and it is intense! It is also perhaps the BEST thing you can do for your child, especially when done right.
If you haven't used the Time Out method and have additional questions after reading this, please email or fb message me! I'm only an expert on what works with my kids however, I can give lots of ideas & encouragement as your respond to your kid(s) behaviors!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I will always beleive you
In preparation for teaching Sunday school to preschoolers, I attended a workshop through my Church titled "Protecting God's Children." The topic was child abuse- physically, sexually, verbally, etc. As a parent of 2 young children it was impossible not to think about the "what ifs" should my own children find themselves as survivors of child abuse. It was heart wrenching and blood boiling to hear how sexual abuse (in particular) impacts a child in the immediate & throughout their lifetime. Child abuse is so pervasive.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Melted heart
Often my thoughts about parenting are driven by what my own children do and say. On any given day the kids will ask questions or make connections based on our experiences. No day is the same as another! More often than not I am taken off guard by the topics that are brought up. My oldest is now 6. While I do not have many memories of life before 3rd grade, I can hardly believe that I ever had the same kinds of conversations with my own parents as I do with my kids.
For example: Today my daughter asked innocently enough "Will I always live in this house?" My reply was "Probably not. Daddy & I won't even be living in this house forever!" To which I got a very concerned "but I want to live with you forever!"
Talk about making your heart melt! If only life worked out that way! Selfishly I would love to have my daughter close to me- my whole life. My husband on the other hand reminds me regularly "only 12 more years!" However, as the parent, I know better! I know what my daughter does not; that some day she won't want to hold my hand, that someday she won't want me to drop her off at school, that some day we may fight, that some day she will go off to college, that someday she will not live under my roof and/or not in the same state. When I tried to share a hint of this perspective with her, her reply was "No I won't!" Again, melted heart.
Every parent/child will eventually face the above mentioned inevitabilities. My goals will be to try my darnedest to postpone them! Today while I was holding hands with my daughter I specifically took a moment and told her "I love you" as we walked to the car. I've already agreed to let her ride the bus once she & her brother are full time students. I'm secretly hoping the next 2 years will cause her to rethink the excitement of being a bus-rider! We have had our fights...mostly when she pushes Mommy's buttons. However, I believe we have both already mastered the art of apologizing AND understand that we will always love the person but we don't have to always like the behavior. As for college...the truth is she won't be able to get rid of me! I can laugh about it now but as a former Student Services administrator in Higher Ed- I know too much about college life! The good and the bad about living on campus! Lastly, as I see it, I have 12years to convince my husband of how important it is to remain close (in proximity & relationship) to our family!
I think my daughter is onto something...what is really so bad about living as a family (and extended family as my kids eventually create their own) for the rest of our lives? Why does family planning end at age 18 just because the law says that is the age of adulthood? I'm not saying roles won't need to change, living space be redesigned, and so on...but it is an interesting thought. Sometimes the answers come from our children. Some of the answers may come from past cultural practices. Some come from what we each want out of life overall.
I didn't have kids so I can kick them out of the house. It pleases me to no end to hear my own child proclaim that she never wants to leave me! We've created a warm, positive, learning environment for our children. They feel loved and they want to feel that way forever. Well, guess what? So do I! Thinking about the idea of living in close proximity to my kids forever actually relieves some of the anxieties associated with all the mile stones that lead to the kids' independence; starting school full time, going away to camp, getting their first job, having the their first love, and so on. Bonus!
While I still plan to share with my kids the "realities" that I faced when the ask various questions, I also plan to consider their point of view. I want them to learn on their own and yet I want them to have a heads up. I don't want to smash their vision with my experiences. I want to be open to changing my own vision especially if that means considering non-traditional options. None of us knows what the future holds. Today though, we can create & shape environments for them to ask questions, we can listen to our kids, talk with them, share a bit about ourselves, love each other, and be grateful if they want to spend tomorrow with you too! No better way to melt the good parent's heart!
For example: Today my daughter asked innocently enough "Will I always live in this house?" My reply was "Probably not. Daddy & I won't even be living in this house forever!" To which I got a very concerned "but I want to live with you forever!"
Talk about making your heart melt! If only life worked out that way! Selfishly I would love to have my daughter close to me- my whole life. My husband on the other hand reminds me regularly "only 12 more years!" However, as the parent, I know better! I know what my daughter does not; that some day she won't want to hold my hand, that someday she won't want me to drop her off at school, that some day we may fight, that some day she will go off to college, that someday she will not live under my roof and/or not in the same state. When I tried to share a hint of this perspective with her, her reply was "No I won't!" Again, melted heart.
Every parent/child will eventually face the above mentioned inevitabilities. My goals will be to try my darnedest to postpone them! Today while I was holding hands with my daughter I specifically took a moment and told her "I love you" as we walked to the car. I've already agreed to let her ride the bus once she & her brother are full time students. I'm secretly hoping the next 2 years will cause her to rethink the excitement of being a bus-rider! We have had our fights...mostly when she pushes Mommy's buttons. However, I believe we have both already mastered the art of apologizing AND understand that we will always love the person but we don't have to always like the behavior. As for college...the truth is she won't be able to get rid of me! I can laugh about it now but as a former Student Services administrator in Higher Ed- I know too much about college life! The good and the bad about living on campus! Lastly, as I see it, I have 12years to convince my husband of how important it is to remain close (in proximity & relationship) to our family!
I think my daughter is onto something...what is really so bad about living as a family (and extended family as my kids eventually create their own) for the rest of our lives? Why does family planning end at age 18 just because the law says that is the age of adulthood? I'm not saying roles won't need to change, living space be redesigned, and so on...but it is an interesting thought. Sometimes the answers come from our children. Some of the answers may come from past cultural practices. Some come from what we each want out of life overall.
I didn't have kids so I can kick them out of the house. It pleases me to no end to hear my own child proclaim that she never wants to leave me! We've created a warm, positive, learning environment for our children. They feel loved and they want to feel that way forever. Well, guess what? So do I! Thinking about the idea of living in close proximity to my kids forever actually relieves some of the anxieties associated with all the mile stones that lead to the kids' independence; starting school full time, going away to camp, getting their first job, having the their first love, and so on. Bonus!
While I still plan to share with my kids the "realities" that I faced when the ask various questions, I also plan to consider their point of view. I want them to learn on their own and yet I want them to have a heads up. I don't want to smash their vision with my experiences. I want to be open to changing my own vision especially if that means considering non-traditional options. None of us knows what the future holds. Today though, we can create & shape environments for them to ask questions, we can listen to our kids, talk with them, share a bit about ourselves, love each other, and be grateful if they want to spend tomorrow with you too! No better way to melt the good parent's heart!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
spring break
I can't believe it's been so long since my last Good Parent post! Last week was Spring Break for our family and it was the perfect time for me to reflect on how much I enjoy spending time with the kids and how fleeting that time is as they become more and more immersed in school and individual activities. If I think about it too long I begin to tear up.
There are two reasons I have not blogged lately and the reasons are related. As of the new year I have begun to focus on my own health, specifically losing the baby weight gained from the pregnancies & lifestyle that followed as a stay at home Mom. Having a kitchen at my disposal 24-7 has it's perks and pitfalls! And I have been blogging about my weight loss journey- currently 12 weeks!
Embarking on my weight loss journey was largely made possible by the timing of where I'm at in my life and the age of the kids. From the day my kids were born I have had a strong belief that there wasn't anything that would take me away from them (on a daily basis) and that every hour, moment, was precious & fleeting. There was just no way I personally could justify spending time at a gym or exercising when I could be spending it with my kids. And by the time they were asleep for the night, I was too (because after all, I'm the one is up with them when they are up!). So I promised myself that once the kids were in school, that I would take that time- not to clean house or run a million errands- but to take that time to focus on my health. Thankfully I also had the support of my spouse!
For 11 weeks we've been in a routine of school & working out...until Spring Break hit. I had planned to focus on the kids and put my calorie counting ways behind me for the week. I didn't realize how much I needed both the break from my weight loss regime, but I also very much needed the quality time with the kids. Lots of reading, cuddling, swimming, going places, cooking together, and so on. Thinking back on it is making me excited for summer! I am so glad we didn't "go anywhere" or have a set schedule. We "slept" in, had pajama day, had a dance party, stayed up late with friends. Spring Break was pretty darn great! I am pretty sure the kids had fun and I'm pretty sure they do not realize how much their Mom needed this time with them. I didn't need a beach with a cocktail to recharge...I needed my kids. I definitely have my parenting mo-jo back and it is helping me keep motivated as I near the end of my weight loss goals.
As a parent, make every moment with your kids count...and as soon as you can, make time for yourself, your own health (mental, physical or other). They don't need to be mutually exclusive and you may just find that in fact the quality of each depends on the other.
There are two reasons I have not blogged lately and the reasons are related. As of the new year I have begun to focus on my own health, specifically losing the baby weight gained from the pregnancies & lifestyle that followed as a stay at home Mom. Having a kitchen at my disposal 24-7 has it's perks and pitfalls! And I have been blogging about my weight loss journey- currently 12 weeks!
Embarking on my weight loss journey was largely made possible by the timing of where I'm at in my life and the age of the kids. From the day my kids were born I have had a strong belief that there wasn't anything that would take me away from them (on a daily basis) and that every hour, moment, was precious & fleeting. There was just no way I personally could justify spending time at a gym or exercising when I could be spending it with my kids. And by the time they were asleep for the night, I was too (because after all, I'm the one is up with them when they are up!). So I promised myself that once the kids were in school, that I would take that time- not to clean house or run a million errands- but to take that time to focus on my health. Thankfully I also had the support of my spouse!
For 11 weeks we've been in a routine of school & working out...until Spring Break hit. I had planned to focus on the kids and put my calorie counting ways behind me for the week. I didn't realize how much I needed both the break from my weight loss regime, but I also very much needed the quality time with the kids. Lots of reading, cuddling, swimming, going places, cooking together, and so on. Thinking back on it is making me excited for summer! I am so glad we didn't "go anywhere" or have a set schedule. We "slept" in, had pajama day, had a dance party, stayed up late with friends. Spring Break was pretty darn great! I am pretty sure the kids had fun and I'm pretty sure they do not realize how much their Mom needed this time with them. I didn't need a beach with a cocktail to recharge...I needed my kids. I definitely have my parenting mo-jo back and it is helping me keep motivated as I near the end of my weight loss goals.
As a parent, make every moment with your kids count...and as soon as you can, make time for yourself, your own health (mental, physical or other). They don't need to be mutually exclusive and you may just find that in fact the quality of each depends on the other.
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