Melted heart

Often my thoughts about parenting are driven by what my own children do and say.  On any given day the kids will ask questions or make connections based on our experiences. No day is the same as another! More often than not I am taken off guard by the topics that are brought up. My oldest is now 6. While I do not have many memories of life before 3rd grade, I can hardly believe that I ever had the same kinds of conversations with my own parents as I do with my kids.

For example: Today my daughter asked innocently enough "Will I always live in this house?" My reply was "Probably not.  Daddy & I won't even be living in this house forever!" To which I got a very concerned "but I want to live with you forever!"

Talk about making your heart melt! If only life worked out that way! Selfishly I would love to have my daughter close to me- my whole life. My husband on the other hand reminds me regularly "only 12 more years!" However, as the parent, I know better! I know what my daughter does not; that some day she won't want to hold my hand, that someday she won't want me to drop her off at school, that some day we may fight, that some day she will go off to college, that someday she will not live under my roof and/or not in the same state.  When I tried to share a hint of this perspective with her, her reply was "No I won't!"  Again, melted heart.

Every parent/child will eventually face the above mentioned inevitabilities. My goals will be to try my darnedest to postpone them!  Today while I was holding hands with my daughter I specifically took a moment and told her "I love you" as we walked to the car. I've already agreed to let her ride the bus once she & her brother are full time students. I'm secretly hoping the next 2 years will cause her to rethink the excitement of being a bus-rider! We have had our fights...mostly when she pushes Mommy's buttons. However, I believe we have both already mastered the art of apologizing AND understand that we will always love the person but we don't have to always like the behavior. As for college...the truth is she won't be able to get rid of me! I can laugh about it now but as a former Student Services administrator in Higher Ed- I know too much about college life! The good and the bad about living on campus! Lastly, as I see it, I have 12years to convince my husband of how important it is to remain close (in proximity & relationship) to our family!

I think my daughter is onto something...what is really so bad about living as a family (and extended family as my kids eventually create their own) for the rest of our lives? Why does family planning end at age 18 just because the law says that is the age of adulthood? I'm not saying roles won't need to change, living space be redesigned, and so on...but it is an interesting thought.  Sometimes the answers come from our children.  Some of the answers may come from past cultural practices.  Some come from what we each want out of life overall.

I didn't have kids so I can kick them out of the house. It pleases me to no end to hear my own child proclaim that she never wants to leave me! We've created a warm, positive, learning environment for our children. They feel loved and they want to feel that way forever. Well, guess what? So do I!  Thinking about the idea of living in close proximity to my kids forever actually relieves some of the anxieties associated with all the mile stones that lead to the kids' independence; starting school full time, going away to camp, getting their first job, having the their first love, and so on. Bonus!

While I still plan to share with my kids the "realities" that I faced when the ask various questions, I also plan to consider their point of view.  I want them to learn on their own and yet I want them to have a heads up. I don't want to smash their vision with my experiences. I want to be open to changing my own vision especially if that means considering non-traditional options. None of us knows what the future holds. Today though, we can create & shape environments for them to ask questions, we can listen to our kids, talk with them, share a bit about ourselves, love each other, and be grateful if they want to spend tomorrow with you too! No better way to melt the good parent's heart!

spring break

I can't believe it's been so long since my last Good Parent post! Last week was Spring Break for our family and it was the perfect time for me to reflect on how much I enjoy spending time with the kids and how fleeting that time is as they become more and more immersed in school and individual activities. If I think about it too long I begin to tear up.

There are two reasons I have not blogged lately and the reasons are related. As of the new year I have begun to focus on my own health, specifically losing the baby weight gained from the pregnancies & lifestyle that followed as a stay at home Mom. Having a kitchen at my disposal 24-7 has it's perks and pitfalls! And I have been blogging about my weight loss journey- currently 12 weeks!

Embarking on my weight loss journey was largely made possible by the timing of where I'm at in my life and the age of the kids.  From the day my kids were born I have had a strong belief that there wasn't anything that would take me away from them (on a daily basis) and that every hour, moment, was precious & fleeting. There was just no way I personally could justify spending time at a gym or exercising when I could be spending it with my kids. And by the time they were asleep for the night, I was too (because after all, I'm the one is up with them when they are up!).  So I promised myself that once the kids were in school, that I would take that time- not to clean house or run a million errands- but to take that time to focus on my health. Thankfully I also had the support of my spouse!

For 11 weeks we've been in a routine of school & working out...until Spring Break hit. I had planned to focus on the kids and put my calorie counting ways behind me for the week. I didn't realize how much I needed both the break from my weight loss regime, but I also very much needed the quality time with the kids. Lots of reading, cuddling, swimming, going places, cooking together, and so on. Thinking back on it is making me excited for summer! I am so glad we didn't "go anywhere" or have a set schedule. We "slept" in, had pajama day, had a dance party, stayed up late with friends. Spring Break was pretty darn great! I am pretty sure the kids had fun and I'm pretty sure they do not realize how much their Mom needed this time with them. I didn't need a beach with a cocktail to recharge...I needed my kids. I definitely have my parenting mo-jo back and it is helping me keep motivated as I near the end of my weight loss goals.

As a parent, make every moment with your kids count...and as soon as you can, make time for yourself, your own health (mental, physical or other).  They don't need to be mutually exclusive and you may just find that in fact the quality of each depends on the other.

Children are a gift

February 14th...Valentines day. A day to cherish the ones you love.  Also, 2 months since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in CT which resulted in the deaths of 26 individuals, 20 of which were children.

I remember very vividly my thoughts as I headed up to bed on December 13, 2012...It was peaceful, I was the last one to bed and as I turned the TV off, proceeded to clean up & make sure the house was locked tight for the night, I thought to myself "all is right in the world." And I gave thanks to God in that moment. In my little corner of the world, all was right.  This is very possible the same thought some Newtown parents had before they went to bed that night too. Shortly after dropping my daughter off at school the next morning and going about my business I finally sat down for lunch & to watch the news. News that has saddened me to my core ever since.  I am so sad for those that died, the families involved, the responders who witnessed the aftermath and the entire Newtown community. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not find myself thinking about them all, praying for them. Many times, several times a day.  And while I wonder if that is normal for someone like me who was not directly impacted to be reacting this way...at the same time I am completely dumbfounded that my community of Moms aren't talking about it! (or at least not in the circles I've been in-obviously me included).  Sure the news has talked about it (though waning) and the politicians are talking about it (as it serves their agendas)...but us Parents...why aren't we?  I am certain that as individuals we are finding ways to understand how such tragedies can occur, perhaps participating in raising money for families impacted, or though on-line support communities. But Parents aren't talking with the schools about it, not with law enforcement, nor in community forums, not at all. Again, unless I'm seriously out of the loop and missed the memo's?

Let me back up a minute.  I have always been someone who tries to live fully in the moment. To be fully present in all that I do...and purposeful.  With my children it is no different.  Combine that with my now extra heightened, sensitive, anxiety-if-you-will, that literally anything can happen to me/husband or my kids such that our worlds can be shaken to their core should one or more family members die.  As if my kids didn't already have me wrapped around their fingers...they sure do now & they have no idea!  So when my daughter & son announced it was "kids day" last week and wanted to bake a cake. Time for us stopped (yes, it really did) and we did just that. We celebrated kids. Secretly I celebrated the lives of the 20 kids who died, while also giving thanks for the 2 who have blessed my life beyond words. Kids day. Children are gifts to us each and every day and should be celebrated!

But now I am left with the challenging task of living to make every moment count but also experiencing the day to day regular issues that come along with parenting (having to say "no" when I want to say "yes"...raising my voice to show I'm serious when I really just want to make them laugh...putting off an activity til tomorrow but wondering if tomorrow will really be there, those kinds of things).  And how do I have conversations with my kids about "what to do" if they hear gun fire (at the store, at school, at home, or the movie theatre)...do I teach them duck n cover at ages 3 & 5?  These are the kinds of things I hoped parents would be talking about with each other, along with just general "healing" in terms of understanding what happens when a parent loses a child.  While I hope to never experience such a loss, learning about others experiences makes me a better person and hopefully a better parent. Maybe we aren't openly talking about these things because they are so close to our hearts....and all of our hearts that are so wounded by these tragic events? Maybe we don't know where to start to have these conversations?

If anyone wants to talk...You can start here.

Newborncare.com

Last week I opened my email to find a message from the marketing coordinator of a website called www.newborncare.com. Having stumbled upon my blog on parenting she suggested that my readers may be interested in the topics on their site. I took a few minutes to review the site and I agree!  Especially since two of my friends just had babies this week (congrats to Julie & Becca), the information on www.newborncare.com is very practical, not too anecdotal, but helpful in terms of resources, how-to, and general support for welcoming a newborn into your life.

Its been quite a while since I've had a newborn and I haven't blogged much about the experiences I had early on-mostly because those early years seem more like survival vs. parenting. However, the marketing coordinator suggested I share a link to their latest topic which was about choosing Godparents for your newborn.  If you're a new parent the article is definitely worth reading. If you aren't a new parent but you have struggled with making a decision regarding Godparents then it's also a good read.  Or if you just want to see other perspectives on choosing Godparents, read it too! The irony for me is that this is a topic that I purposely avoided blogging about because "even when you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart" people's feelings may get hurt if they aren't chosen as Godparents and that is that!

For us (husband and me) choosing Godparents had everything to do with the essence of a Godparent which is to be a role model in the religious tradition in which we are choosing to raise our children. So this meant choosing people who are currently practicing Catholics.  When our first child was born, we chose my husband's sister & brother-in-law as Godparents. It was a win-win that they not only were immediate family but also current practicing Catholics. Things got a little more complicated (for others) when we had our second child. My husband didn't have any more siblings and my only sibling & brother-in-law are not Catholic.  So we looked to our closest friends, of whom my husband is the God Father of one of their daugthers. They were the next perfect choice as Godparents for our son. To us it was still a win-win because in many ways our friends are as close as our siblings.

It did not matter how many times I explained how we viewed the role/purpose of a Godparent. My sister thought she should have been a Godparent no matter what. Since she knows other "Catholics" who have chosen non-Catholics to be Godparents, I should have done the same. I should have compromised my values so that she could have a special title. Nothing I could have done or said on my end was going to change her opinion. As if being an Aunt isn't good enough.

So just know that even if you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart, you still may end up hurting someone else's feelings or feeling disrespected as a result.  Some parts of parenting aren't easy. This can be one of them. It is important though that you are firm in your beliefs. Some day I'll explain to the kids why their Godparents are who they are.  My folks picked their best friends at the time...people who weren't actively religious (neither were my parents) and people whom when their friendship faded, so did the relationship of Godparent to God Daugther.  Being a good parent means you do your best...and think about how & why you are making choices on behalf of your kid(s)...not just at the time and hope it all works out. In our case, I feel certain we chose the right Godparents in both instances for the right reasons but sad that our parenting choice wasn't fully supported.

A New Year to be a Better Parent

With each year that passes, reality of parenting challenges sinks deeper and deeper and deeper.  The reality that my kids are getting old enough to understand, to mimic, and to ask the really hard questions.  We don't use curse words in our home but if we did, our kids would be well versed in that vocabulary by their ages (3 & 5)!  A little note to self for you newer parents. Just last month a friend's daughter (age 5) got in trouble in her kindergarten class for blurting out a swear word.  If you ever thought you had a bad habit you needed to drop....I'd work on dropping it ASAP! Seriously! In our home I've noticed the kids vocal volume increase as they argue. Hmmmm, wonder where they get that from? Yeah, guilty. The funny thing is, we also don't do a lot of yelling in our home. Don't get me wrong...voices get raised. And while no excuse is justifiable, you'll likely recognize the situations in which "yelling" occurs:  when I attempt to get their attention because the kids are arguing, when someone does something outrageously bad like whack the other on the head with something that could have caused permanent serious damage, when both kids have literally pushed me to the edge all day & I snap. Some of that may sound vaguely familiar to some of you parents. Or maybe its just me? It doesn't happen every day, rarely once a week. However, it does happen.
I've said it from the beginning, I'm not a perfect parent. But it's a new year and with that I'm seizing the time to refocus, reflect, and work on those areas I KNOW I can do better.
My daughter for example is already a classic combination of her Dad and me.  She has somehow managed to tune out people when they call her name....oh, just like her Dad! In return, she also randomly gives side commentaries (often unsolicited)....hmmm....much like her Mother.  By the age of 5 they have picked up on all sorts of nuances!  Its a little scary when you start seeing your child engage in the very behaviors you DO and worse yet that you definitely DO NOT want them to be doing!  I am so not ready for the teenage years! Hear me out though. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I can tweak my parenting, tweak my responses to how I communicate with my kids, how I interact with them & my husband...in essence, work on improving myself. Perhaps then more of the "good" will rub off :) I'm going to work on doing more listening, more reflecting of feelings when my kids express theirs, work on not raising my voice but looking them in the eye & speaking with respect, more involving them in responsibilities to channel their energies, and more cuddling. That last one I just threw in there because.... well, they are 3 & 5...there aren't many more years they'll tolerate Mommy smothering them w hugs n kisses! Here's to having a "Good" parenting year!

Prepping

You may have heard a little bit about the concept of  "prepping" over the past couple months. Whether from the recent History Channel show "Preppers" or on the news ever since Hurricane Sandy and the "end of the world" this past December. Its been a popular topic and still a bit taboo. If you're a real prepper you're not really suppose to be talking about your prepping because heaven forbid if disaster ends up happening to you, your neighbor may try to get in on your stash! Plus, if you do talk about it...people might begin to think you are a little coo-coo! But I'm talking about it! There is a greater cause to talking about it than the risk of the world knowing that yes in fact, my family and I do partake in preparing for an array of disasters. In all honestly, I think its our responsibility as parents TO PREPARE ourselves and our families for as many life scenarios as possible.  I am sure that many other responsible parents have an 8 month financial emergency fund in case someone loses their job. That doesn't sound too crazy? And I'm sure others of you make sure you have updated batteries in your flashlights, smoke detectors, or own generators, emergency radios, or have actually drilled with your family a meeting spot "in case" something happens like a home fire.  Prepping for other disasters such as tornadoes or long term electrical grid outings is not that far fetched...not these days anyways! Ok, ok, ok, there are some more extreme versions of prepping...that kind of sensation makes TV worth watching! What I'm advising is that a good parent will assess & determine what kinds of disasters are possible where they live, what is realistic? And then begin researching & preparing for your family's well-being should such an event occur.  We CAN learn from the past...we are a brilliant & resilient species...though more often than not, our mind gets the better of our instincts, and we say "It won't happen to me." 

So you may be wondering "where to start" in terms of your prepping? If you aren't wondering this then no need to continue reading! lol... One site I found helpful is the Ohio Preppers Network  ohio.preppersnetwork.net. There is a forum board where lots and lots of people have posted questions and you can read the responses. Topics from gardening to HAM radios. It is interesting to see what people are up to if nothing else! Ok, maybe it's just interesting to me! lol!  Another place to start is to think about the basics...food, water, shelter, access to information if you are cut off from it, and protection from danger.  For example, food can be handled a bunch of different ways...there is gardening (season dependent), canning, hunting, eating whatever you have non-perishable in your cupboard, MREs, or other prepared meals. Once you determine your preferred method(s) then you can make arrangements accordingly.  For water it is actually not recommended that you rely solely on bottled water. It is good if the situation is short term, however, long term you may consider investing in a water purification system and know the location of a nearby water source. And so on... The extent to which one preps is up to them & their family, however, I do think it is important to be prepared to the best of ones abilities.
Like any parent, I don't look forward to telling my kids that bad things happen or that things happen beyond our control that may or may not impact us directly. As a good parent, I know that it is important that I do what I can to keep my family safe & alive during short term, realistic crisis. My philosophy is that if something huge happens, there is little I can do to prepare...I'll either survive or not (luck of the draw). But there are many other situations that ARE possible in which survival is
IS do-able IF prepared.
As a new year dawns on us once again....take stock of your blessings and consider prepping to keep them.

Elf on the Shelf

Whether it's the day after Thanksgiving or the first day of December, parents all over who celebrate Christmas have embarked on the nightly trickery of Elf on the Shelf.  Over the past few years this family tradition has really made a comeback. Comeback? Why yes! As a child, my sister and I had Elves on the shelves (without the fancy book though...and without the creative ideas found on pinterest). My sister and I each had our own elf. One was green & one was red and we switched who got which one each year.  To my recollection, we were the only people who participated in this activity...but I don't really know because I never asked my friends.  It was just something that happen each year during the Christmas season, it was normal to us. 

And so, when I had my first child, my Mom gave me "my elf." Of all the things she kept from our childhood after all these years (and if you know my Mom, she is a minimalist who doesn't keep anything!!)...she kept the elves. She IS sentimental!! LOL. How cool it was to embark on this tradition with my own kids! When I had my second child I had to figure out how to get another elf. Lucky for me, that is when the Elf on the Shelf book gained popularity.

You may be wondering the names of our elves... Treasure and Jingle Bell.  The kids are not at that age yet where they are claiming one elf over the other as their own.  They just embraced that the elves are part of our extended family during the Christmas season and enjoy seeking them out each morning, talking to them throughout the day, and saying good night at bed time.  While I usually start this tradition on December 1st, this year another friend of mine mentioned she starts it the day after Thanksgiving. Hmmm, I thought...when are the elves suppose to arrive? I looked through the book and it doesn't state when the elf appears on the shelf. Only that it happens at holiday time (with a picture of the Elf on the dinner table...a dinner table that looks a lot like a Thanksgiving meal.) Hmmm, I thought again.   So this year the elves showed up the day after Thanksgiving. What was I thinking?? That means a whole extra week of hiding & planning & trying not to forget to move those elves around! It was so much more fun being on the "seeking" end of this activity than on the "hiding" end. But alas...this wouldn't be a post in the Good Parent if I didn't think that this activity was completely worth the parental efforts! 

If you ever wonder where the magic of Christmas has gone...look no further than a child who has an Elf on the Shelf.  My kids completely believe that these special elves are Santa's helpers, that they look after baby Jesus, that they keep an eye on the kids during the day, and that each night they report on the days events only to return to our home in some random spot/ position. So far this season the elves have been caught hugging our Santa statue, reading books, watching baby Jesus in the manger, trapped in a clear vase, on the tree, in the stockings, riding on Colin's cars and tonight I'm going to have them eating Mommy's cookies that she's been baking all day! The excitement from the kids fuels my excitement to keep the tradition going for them! I over hear the kids talking to or about the elves with pure wonder & giddiness...it is so cute!

I don't remember being crushed when I found out that the elves weren't 'real'...maybe because I had been feeling the spirit of Christmas for so many years with the help of the elves that I no longer needed them to be a reminder?  If this tradition can instill a lasting sense of wonder &  a love of the Christmas season then I'll be thrilled with that. Even more so...I'll be thrilled if they continue the tradition with their families and the opportunity to see my Grand kids squeal with delight as they discover their Elf on the Shelf for the first time!