Right about now I wish I was preparing to home school my kids...yup, you guessed it, I've got one who'll be entering Kindergarten in the fall (aka 2 wks from now). This will be my "first" so it's not unusual to have mixed & sentimental feelings about sending her off & being apart from my first born day after day for 6 1/2hrs each day for most of the next 13 yrs of her life. Totally tear jerking when I put it that way...but it's the truth.
These emotions are likely very similar to those felt by parents who work outside the home...whenever they first experienced the transition from maternity/paternity leave to going back to work, leaving their child for the first time for hours on end... but in my case and that of most stay at home parents... Its been 5 full years of being with my child 24-7 (except the occasional night out or preschool & even then it's only a few hours). Five years of giving my all to another human being, being their source of knowledge, their source of nutrition, their fun, their safety net, their...everything...and my daughter has been my everything in return.
And so I am very conscious of our inevitable separation. My heart goes out to friends whose children are also entering Kindergarten for the first time and I take comfort when I hear or read of their positive experiences. It is really an exciting mile stone for our kids...we've brought them this far, its time for them to excel on their own, learn a new sense of independence, and learn about subjects best taught by someone else.
I don't know if I should be doing something to prepare for her to start school other than encouraging her writing, reading to her, doing workbook activities together. I do plan to do a "day out with Mommy" with her too...mostly for me? Preparing her may be more about preparing me. I feel a bit like the "big baby" in all this...what I want to say is "I don't want you to go." But instead when she asked me earlier today "Mommy, I'll like Kindergarten right?" My response was nothing short of gushing about the amazing time she'll have with her friends, learning to read, etc.
I encouraged another Mom friend to stay positive and think about the extra time she can focus on her other two little ones. I am taking my own advice. I can't wait to enroll my son in activities that he has been short changed these last couple yrs when it was too difficult to juggle the age differences. I have longed for one on one time with him and it's finally upon us. However, it doesn't seem to lessen the sadness that I have in being apart from my oldest. We've been through so much...kinda like boot camp...she has taught me about myself as much as I believe I've shaped who she is becoming.
She won't remember a thing about going into Kindergarten and I suppose when she's older I'll confess how "Mommy was a mess" when she started school. I'll be all smiles though when the time comes. I'm her rock and I want her to be strong, confident, embracing of change & challenge. I will be more attentive to her after school, I'll lay with her in bed & talk about her day or the day ahead, I'll support her as she grows. She'll have continuity in knowing that Mommy is & had always been there. And just when we get used to our new routines and relationship...I'll be sending my baby boy off to Kindergarten and it will be a whole new stream of emotions! I don't even want to think about that blog! lol
This moment, whether it's kindergarten or had I homeschooled, later when they go to High School or move out to go to College...the seperation, is inevitable. So, Good luck to all you Moms n Dads out there engaging in this rite of passage of sending your kid(s) off to school... Good luck to the kids too...you'll have an amazing time with friends, learning to read, etc...
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
the goofy parent
There are few pure, simple (and yet totally awesome), joys in life than laughing with your children. Being goofy, silly, and probably completely obnoxious from an outsiders point of view, rank high on a good parent's neccessary skill set! When in doubt, when on the verge of a break down or a tantrum, when you want to turn a sad situation into a smiley one, a good parent will often resort to doing something you normally would NEVER consider doing...like pretend burping (or other bodily noises) or singing Elmo style to the tune of jingle bells.
Being goofy has gotten me out of a jam or helped to avoid a jam many a time. Often occurring in the car and usually in attempt to keep one or both kids awake! We have two favorite goofy games that get us giggling almost immediately. There is a song on the show Peppa Pig that Peppa's classroom sing...the "Bing, bang, bong" song. In our game, my daughter attempts to teach this song to her brother and me. Our response to her efforts is that we continue to repeat the song back to her incorrectly...making up all sorts of other words that rhyme with bing, bang, and bong. Its a never ending game that includes anyone who wants to participate!
The other goofy game we play is similar to the one above. In this game, Mom tries to get the kids to say "fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he?" The kids are asked to repeat various parts of the phrase back to me and of course they never say it exactly how it's suppose to go, making up all sorts of other phrases that hurl us into unending laughter.
Tonight, just for kicks my daughter and I stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror (she had just brushed her teeth)....first we were trying to see who could hold their breath the longest. Then it turned into the "no talking game," and then it morphed into who could make who laugh first! I was in tears! We would both just outburst into complete laughter and everything that was said or done was hilarious in those moments! That went on in excess of 30 minutes!
It doesn't take much to laugh with your kids...you don't need an arsenal of jokes, it doesn't have to involve tickling, and it's so much more rewarding to laugh with them than at them! Parents can often get bogged down with the day to day routine...don't undermine the value to laughter in lifting up your spirits and building a strong relationship with your kids!
Being goofy has gotten me out of a jam or helped to avoid a jam many a time. Often occurring in the car and usually in attempt to keep one or both kids awake! We have two favorite goofy games that get us giggling almost immediately. There is a song on the show Peppa Pig that Peppa's classroom sing...the "Bing, bang, bong" song. In our game, my daughter attempts to teach this song to her brother and me. Our response to her efforts is that we continue to repeat the song back to her incorrectly...making up all sorts of other words that rhyme with bing, bang, and bong. Its a never ending game that includes anyone who wants to participate!
The other goofy game we play is similar to the one above. In this game, Mom tries to get the kids to say "fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he?" The kids are asked to repeat various parts of the phrase back to me and of course they never say it exactly how it's suppose to go, making up all sorts of other phrases that hurl us into unending laughter.
Tonight, just for kicks my daughter and I stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror (she had just brushed her teeth)....first we were trying to see who could hold their breath the longest. Then it turned into the "no talking game," and then it morphed into who could make who laugh first! I was in tears! We would both just outburst into complete laughter and everything that was said or done was hilarious in those moments! That went on in excess of 30 minutes!
It doesn't take much to laugh with your kids...you don't need an arsenal of jokes, it doesn't have to involve tickling, and it's so much more rewarding to laugh with them than at them! Parents can often get bogged down with the day to day routine...don't undermine the value to laughter in lifting up your spirits and building a strong relationship with your kids!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friendships
Last night I was watching John Stossels' show which was titled "What you think you know, isn't true." It was a reminder to the wake up call I had about a month ago when I learned that a close friend of mine (one of my "mommy friends": someone I had met once I had my first child) had disclosed that she participated in an alternative lifestyle. I'm not talking about homosexuality for anyone who is wondering and since "her story" isn't mine to tell, I do not plan to do so. Tonight's blog is about "You think you know someone, but you don't."
Can you imagine...learning something about a close friend that was kept private the entire time you knew them, something that is so much a part of them you would consider it literally part of their culture? Now, imagine that this part of their life is completely contradictory to how you live your life. I am still trying to wrap my head around this. I understand why she did not want to disclose this side of her...there is some social taboo involved and thus she may have been afraid to risk friendships, etc. The risk of our friendship now is more from a sense of dishonesty. I wrestle with "I'm glad she trusts me enough to share personal information," to "what else don't I know about her?" to "Had she shared this information earlier, I likely would not have chosen to maintain a friendship this long." I feel duped over the last 5 yrs. Now that its been shared...what do I do?
I think about my kids...If they came to me with the same dilemma...one of their friends turns out to be someone they aren't sure they want to be hanging around with anymore. I would ask the following questions:
1. Are there identifiable behaviors the friend is engaging in that have changed, that you don't like?
2. Are the behaviors invasive into other aspects of their life (can they be separated out?)
3. Are the behaviors illegal, hurtful, negative, go against your understanding of right from wrong?
4. Did you tell your friend how you feel? what was their reaction?
5. What do you gain from being friends with this person (do they build you up or take you down or neutral)/
It makes me think about those stories on TV about people who live double lives. It never once occurred to me that I would learn something about a close friend that would automatically put our friendship in jeopardy. I've always taken my friendships perhaps more seriously than others, keeping a few friends close and having many acquaintances. When close friends have drifted away, I feel like it hurts me perhaps more than them. I miss them. But its easier to swallow the loss of a friend due to various life circumstances like job changes, moving out of state, etc. It is also easier to explain to a child "We aren't going to go see so & so anymore because..." But its another thing to lose a close friend because you all of a sudden you learn that what you thought you knew about them, wasn't true.
You may be wondering how does all of this relate to parenting? I actually feel as though I've "failed" in terms of making sure that my children have been in the company of others who I believe are good role models. My kids look to me in terms of which adults to trust...and I, despite other "signs," I sure blew this one! Assuming the friendship with my Mommy-friend and I dissolves, so does the friendships amongst the children involved. My friendships aren't just about woman to woman...but often include that of our kids. I'll always care about this friend & her family. I'll wish them well & pray from them. At this point in my life though, I need to surround myself with healthy people who share similar personal values. People who I can answer the above 5 questions with confidence knowing my children & I will be better people for having this friend in our lives. This is what I want for my kids and the role modeling begins with me.
Can you imagine...learning something about a close friend that was kept private the entire time you knew them, something that is so much a part of them you would consider it literally part of their culture? Now, imagine that this part of their life is completely contradictory to how you live your life. I am still trying to wrap my head around this. I understand why she did not want to disclose this side of her...there is some social taboo involved and thus she may have been afraid to risk friendships, etc. The risk of our friendship now is more from a sense of dishonesty. I wrestle with "I'm glad she trusts me enough to share personal information," to "what else don't I know about her?" to "Had she shared this information earlier, I likely would not have chosen to maintain a friendship this long." I feel duped over the last 5 yrs. Now that its been shared...what do I do?
I think about my kids...If they came to me with the same dilemma...one of their friends turns out to be someone they aren't sure they want to be hanging around with anymore. I would ask the following questions:
1. Are there identifiable behaviors the friend is engaging in that have changed, that you don't like?
2. Are the behaviors invasive into other aspects of their life (can they be separated out?)
3. Are the behaviors illegal, hurtful, negative, go against your understanding of right from wrong?
4. Did you tell your friend how you feel? what was their reaction?
5. What do you gain from being friends with this person (do they build you up or take you down or neutral)/
It makes me think about those stories on TV about people who live double lives. It never once occurred to me that I would learn something about a close friend that would automatically put our friendship in jeopardy. I've always taken my friendships perhaps more seriously than others, keeping a few friends close and having many acquaintances. When close friends have drifted away, I feel like it hurts me perhaps more than them. I miss them. But its easier to swallow the loss of a friend due to various life circumstances like job changes, moving out of state, etc. It is also easier to explain to a child "We aren't going to go see so & so anymore because..." But its another thing to lose a close friend because you all of a sudden you learn that what you thought you knew about them, wasn't true.
You may be wondering how does all of this relate to parenting? I actually feel as though I've "failed" in terms of making sure that my children have been in the company of others who I believe are good role models. My kids look to me in terms of which adults to trust...and I, despite other "signs," I sure blew this one! Assuming the friendship with my Mommy-friend and I dissolves, so does the friendships amongst the children involved. My friendships aren't just about woman to woman...but often include that of our kids. I'll always care about this friend & her family. I'll wish them well & pray from them. At this point in my life though, I need to surround myself with healthy people who share similar personal values. People who I can answer the above 5 questions with confidence knowing my children & I will be better people for having this friend in our lives. This is what I want for my kids and the role modeling begins with me.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Its all in your attitude
I thought with the start of July and my husband being out of town I would have all sorts of time to blog! Ha ha ha I was so busy and tired! It was a huge reminder that "single parenting" is no ideal way of raising kids or maintaining a healthy lifestyle! I have been thinking about a few different topics to write about but tonight I am reflecting on how a parent's attitude about day to day incidents shapes children's attitudes about the same thing...and even deeper, shapes their lives for the long haul.
I was so impressed today by how a friend of mine responds to things her children do. I don't know how she feels "inside" or what her personal philosophies are on parenting however, what I see is a parent who is cool, calm, collected, and most of all inspiring (without even knowing it!). And I don't know what her kids feel when they find themselves in precarious positions but when they look to their Momma, I see kids who make discoveries, find direction & security, and are learning to "shake it off" which is an invaluable coping skill for later in life!
So you may be wondering what is it, exactly, that this Mom does or doesn't do. Its really all in the attitude...here is an example:
Today we were at a new park which is (as we found out) probably best suited for children 4yrs and older. And as luck would have it, there was a children's camp also using the park made up of gradeschool aged kids. There were lots of kids running around...and my friend's daughter is 3yrs old. Are you getting the picture? I wasn't watching her child as I had my own to keep an eye on, however there were times when her daughter was in my view. In one instance, she was playing with part of the play set that an older girl was too and ended up getting knocked over (pure accident).
Lets take a moment aside: First of all...some parents would NOT have let their young child even attempt to mingle with a strange-older child. Second, some parents would have pulled her aside saying "that twisty-thing is too advanced for you" and third, when she fell on the ground some parents would have rushed over all excited, swooping her up, and asking "are you okay?" Does any of this sound like you? I've been there at various stages...though it all depends on the situation of course!
But this Mom sees value in permitting her daughter to mingle with older children (lets be clear, under her watch. This Mom "made friends" with many of the camp kids to the extent that some of the camp kids may have thought she was staff!). Older kids are great for role modeling and overall her daughter was learning to socialize and assert herself (instead of being afraid of other kids). This Mom also sees the value in exploring and testing boundaries. Her daughter was able to engage with the older child, watch the older child use the twisty-thing, and attempt to use it herself. If you never let a child TRY how will they learn what they can or cannot do? How will they learn to "get good" at something? How will they build confidence? ok, so when her daughter attempted to play with the twisty-thing, she fell. It happens! I didn't hear this Mom ask "are you ok?"...she just assessed her daughter's reaction in a split second based on her "knowing" her own child's ques (a good parent has an idea of their kids ques) and encouraged her to shake it off and keep on playing! Which is exactly what her child did! Without hesitation & happily! There was no hugging, no coddling, no uncertainty, no babying about the situation. Mom was confident and so her child followed in her footsteps and kept on playing! If Mom believes "everything is alright in the world" then, the child believes this too! It was a beautiful exchange to witness.
Such a simple, everyday occurrence for those of us who frequent parks & play areas. I encourage parents to take the time to examine step by step WHY they make the choices they do in regards to parenting. The parent who "swoops in" to save the day...what are they teaching their child in the long run? In the moment maybe you think you are showing love, care, & concern? Perhaps. However, it may be at the cost of teaching them other behaviors that may not be as desirable later on in life? Will they be looking for Mommy to heal all wounds when they are grown up? Are there other ways & times during the day you can express your love, care, & concern without sacrificing other positive life skills that will ultimately shape their being? How to you limit your child's explorations because you are projecting your own fears & anxieties about what "might" happen? Who does your child(ren) mingle with? Are they relationships that foster positive experiences or hinder socialization? At the park do you hover like a bee on honey, stand back though cautious, or ignore altogether? Maybe a little of all at different times? Every thing we do impacts our kids...scary if you think about it! And while these little ones won't remember a thing...the person they end up growing into is almost completely shaped by the nurturing & environment in these early years! What are you teaching your kids by your actions and have you already seen the impact of your parenting choices on who your children are as individuals?ts
I was so impressed today by how a friend of mine responds to things her children do. I don't know how she feels "inside" or what her personal philosophies are on parenting however, what I see is a parent who is cool, calm, collected, and most of all inspiring (without even knowing it!). And I don't know what her kids feel when they find themselves in precarious positions but when they look to their Momma, I see kids who make discoveries, find direction & security, and are learning to "shake it off" which is an invaluable coping skill for later in life!
So you may be wondering what is it, exactly, that this Mom does or doesn't do. Its really all in the attitude...here is an example:
Today we were at a new park which is (as we found out) probably best suited for children 4yrs and older. And as luck would have it, there was a children's camp also using the park made up of gradeschool aged kids. There were lots of kids running around...and my friend's daughter is 3yrs old. Are you getting the picture? I wasn't watching her child as I had my own to keep an eye on, however there were times when her daughter was in my view. In one instance, she was playing with part of the play set that an older girl was too and ended up getting knocked over (pure accident).
Lets take a moment aside: First of all...some parents would NOT have let their young child even attempt to mingle with a strange-older child. Second, some parents would have pulled her aside saying "that twisty-thing is too advanced for you" and third, when she fell on the ground some parents would have rushed over all excited, swooping her up, and asking "are you okay?" Does any of this sound like you? I've been there at various stages...though it all depends on the situation of course!
But this Mom sees value in permitting her daughter to mingle with older children (lets be clear, under her watch. This Mom "made friends" with many of the camp kids to the extent that some of the camp kids may have thought she was staff!). Older kids are great for role modeling and overall her daughter was learning to socialize and assert herself (instead of being afraid of other kids). This Mom also sees the value in exploring and testing boundaries. Her daughter was able to engage with the older child, watch the older child use the twisty-thing, and attempt to use it herself. If you never let a child TRY how will they learn what they can or cannot do? How will they learn to "get good" at something? How will they build confidence? ok, so when her daughter attempted to play with the twisty-thing, she fell. It happens! I didn't hear this Mom ask "are you ok?"...she just assessed her daughter's reaction in a split second based on her "knowing" her own child's ques (a good parent has an idea of their kids ques) and encouraged her to shake it off and keep on playing! Which is exactly what her child did! Without hesitation & happily! There was no hugging, no coddling, no uncertainty, no babying about the situation. Mom was confident and so her child followed in her footsteps and kept on playing! If Mom believes "everything is alright in the world" then, the child believes this too! It was a beautiful exchange to witness.
Such a simple, everyday occurrence for those of us who frequent parks & play areas. I encourage parents to take the time to examine step by step WHY they make the choices they do in regards to parenting. The parent who "swoops in" to save the day...what are they teaching their child in the long run? In the moment maybe you think you are showing love, care, & concern? Perhaps. However, it may be at the cost of teaching them other behaviors that may not be as desirable later on in life? Will they be looking for Mommy to heal all wounds when they are grown up? Are there other ways & times during the day you can express your love, care, & concern without sacrificing other positive life skills that will ultimately shape their being? How to you limit your child's explorations because you are projecting your own fears & anxieties about what "might" happen? Who does your child(ren) mingle with? Are they relationships that foster positive experiences or hinder socialization? At the park do you hover like a bee on honey, stand back though cautious, or ignore altogether? Maybe a little of all at different times? Every thing we do impacts our kids...scary if you think about it! And while these little ones won't remember a thing...the person they end up growing into is almost completely shaped by the nurturing & environment in these early years! What are you teaching your kids by your actions and have you already seen the impact of your parenting choices on who your children are as individuals?ts
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Parental guilt
This post may apply mostly to stay at home parents because its the perspective that I personally experience, though I am certain that all parents have had twinges if not been completely overwhelmed by the "G" factor...GUILT! I don't know any parent who hasn't experienced feelings of guilt at one point or another during their journey through parenthood. The "G" factor is one feeling I certainly could live more without! Its not necessary and it can hold a person back from their potential if it is not understood!
A working parent may be feeling guilty for missing some of those child developmental milestones or maybe feel guilt because they really do enjoy being at work more than the day to day routine of hanging out with their kid(s). As a stay at home parent, my guilt comes in the form of "My job is to care for you, play with you, teach you, etc but I also need make your lunch so you can eat, do the laundry so you have clean clothes, clean the pool so you can swim in it, etc." Basically a tug of war over the literal time I spend with my kids and the time necessary to prepare us to spend time together.
Its funny because I do not feel guilty about taking a break, which usually consists of going to the bathroom, taking a shower, and checking my facebook msgs throughout the day. Every couple hours my mind needs to check out for a few minutes. Just as my kids need to have quiet time, I need my quiet moments too. Its easy to explain to the kids "Mommy needs a break, we've been playing candy land for an hour!" However, it seems harder for them to understand that when I'm not "on break" I also have to do chores around the house, see to setting up doct appts, addressing needs with my community Mom's group, etc. This parenting "job" is more than just the actual time spent engaging with the kids.
My heart just crumbles when I hear my daughter say "Mom you haven't played with me all day!" Of course the entire day was spent with each other, eating breakfast together at the dinner table without distractions of tv, cell phones, etc. Followed by trip to aquarium. Followed by pic nic lunch. Followed by quiet time. Followed by trip to grocery store. Followed by making pizza together & eating at the dinner table together again without distractions...at which time she tells me I haven't played with her all day! That's when the guilt sets in for me! I try to explain that not EVERY day can be spent playing dolls or legos and that by us doing things together we are learning & creating memories beyond just playing.
Yeah...she doesn't care...she just wants me to play with her as much as possible! My kids are "my boss" in a way. I work for them. They have a vision of how the work day should go...and I have my vision which does try to take into account the bosses vision!!! But I can't evade the "G" factor when another day passes and I haven't met my kids expectations of spending time together. I am trying to find the win-win solution. Each day I try to spend time with the kids playing something they are EACH interested in playing and when my youngest naps, I give an hour undivided attention to my oldest. They we can spend the other 1/2 of the day running errands, play dates, or an outing to benefit the kids. It makes for well organized & packed day but it is these days that I find my kids fight less, they are more inclined to play independently when needed, go to sleep at the end of the day with less resistance, etc. Spending that literal quality time cannot be beat! The "G" factor creeps in because I am actually the one who is learning to be "okay" with knowing EVERY day cannot be spent playing dolls or legos. I wish I didn't have to do this other stuff! I would love nothing more than to be engaged with my kids all day...what a wonderful life! My guilt comes from the reality of knowing someone has to cook, clean, prepare, etc and that someone is also ME.
Take time to explore your feelings of guilt related to parenting. What is the guilt about? What triggers it? Why do you think that is so? What can you do to minimize or delete it altogether? The Good Parent is going to take time to understand what is holding them back from fulfilling their vision of parenthood and the vision their children have of life spent with their parents.
A working parent may be feeling guilty for missing some of those child developmental milestones or maybe feel guilt because they really do enjoy being at work more than the day to day routine of hanging out with their kid(s). As a stay at home parent, my guilt comes in the form of "My job is to care for you, play with you, teach you, etc but I also need make your lunch so you can eat, do the laundry so you have clean clothes, clean the pool so you can swim in it, etc." Basically a tug of war over the literal time I spend with my kids and the time necessary to prepare us to spend time together.
Its funny because I do not feel guilty about taking a break, which usually consists of going to the bathroom, taking a shower, and checking my facebook msgs throughout the day. Every couple hours my mind needs to check out for a few minutes. Just as my kids need to have quiet time, I need my quiet moments too. Its easy to explain to the kids "Mommy needs a break, we've been playing candy land for an hour!" However, it seems harder for them to understand that when I'm not "on break" I also have to do chores around the house, see to setting up doct appts, addressing needs with my community Mom's group, etc. This parenting "job" is more than just the actual time spent engaging with the kids.
My heart just crumbles when I hear my daughter say "Mom you haven't played with me all day!" Of course the entire day was spent with each other, eating breakfast together at the dinner table without distractions of tv, cell phones, etc. Followed by trip to aquarium. Followed by pic nic lunch. Followed by quiet time. Followed by trip to grocery store. Followed by making pizza together & eating at the dinner table together again without distractions...at which time she tells me I haven't played with her all day! That's when the guilt sets in for me! I try to explain that not EVERY day can be spent playing dolls or legos and that by us doing things together we are learning & creating memories beyond just playing.
Yeah...she doesn't care...she just wants me to play with her as much as possible! My kids are "my boss" in a way. I work for them. They have a vision of how the work day should go...and I have my vision which does try to take into account the bosses vision!!! But I can't evade the "G" factor when another day passes and I haven't met my kids expectations of spending time together. I am trying to find the win-win solution. Each day I try to spend time with the kids playing something they are EACH interested in playing and when my youngest naps, I give an hour undivided attention to my oldest. They we can spend the other 1/2 of the day running errands, play dates, or an outing to benefit the kids. It makes for well organized & packed day but it is these days that I find my kids fight less, they are more inclined to play independently when needed, go to sleep at the end of the day with less resistance, etc. Spending that literal quality time cannot be beat! The "G" factor creeps in because I am actually the one who is learning to be "okay" with knowing EVERY day cannot be spent playing dolls or legos. I wish I didn't have to do this other stuff! I would love nothing more than to be engaged with my kids all day...what a wonderful life! My guilt comes from the reality of knowing someone has to cook, clean, prepare, etc and that someone is also ME.
Take time to explore your feelings of guilt related to parenting. What is the guilt about? What triggers it? Why do you think that is so? What can you do to minimize or delete it altogether? The Good Parent is going to take time to understand what is holding them back from fulfilling their vision of parenthood and the vision their children have of life spent with their parents.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
5 tips for new parents
There are many people I know who had or are having their first child this year. Congratulations on parenthood! I said in an earlier entry that parenthood is the best kept secret because it really is full of wonder...not just about the cutest bundle of joy in the world but also the wonderment of how you can be physically, mentally, & emotionally pushed to the limits AND STILL manage to function! Amazingly though parents end up surviving and some go on to go through it all over again!
Some thoughts for new parents:
1. If you have a partner or a family member who is with you, devise a schedule to divide up the care of the baby. Even it if it is into 1/2 hour increments (you care for baby for 30 min then your spouse does and so on) or chunk it into larger time slots if that works. This way, you WILL find time to take a shower or make a phone call or heaven forbid, lay down and close your eyes! This works for breast feeding moms too so there's no excuses! And if you are really lucky, baby will be sleeping during your 30minute time slot so then it's like getting a whole hour to take care of other things on your mind!
2. After those first couple weeks...go back to living your normal life before you forget what that was like! Its ok to take your baby everywhere you go. Get out of the house! This is usually the only time strangers will sympathize with you when baby cries or you look a mess. You can say "I"m a new Mom, I just gave birth." Everyone will "oooh" and "aahhh" and forget all about how you look or what disturbance was originally being caused! This will NOT be the case when the child is a year old...then they judge. But for now, go do what you gotta do!
3. Do not turn down help! If a friend says "hey can I bring you dinner?" Your reply should immediately be "Yes, that would be awesome, what night?" If someone else says "Do you need any help about the house?" Your reply should be "Yes, we need our yard mowed & bathrooms done...would you mind doing either of these?" Take people up on their offers AND give them direction on how they can help/where you need help. They aren't mind readers...they've just "been there" so to speak...they know you'd love the help & are offering. Help them follow through so as to make your life- in that moment- easier! This too will not last! No matter how dear your friends are, I guarantee that a year from now they will not be offering to cook & clean for your family!
4. Find a "moms" group, a book club, or a playgroup made up of other parents. Maybe you know a few people who already have kids and maybe you think you know it all already! You don't! Connecting with other NEW parents in particular will help "check & balance" your own experiences, unlike "books" about child development. And since parenthood experiences are so varied you will certainly learn new strategies to relating with your child. You can wait til your child is 1 or older...but why? Some of my most cherished relationships were made when my daughter was four months old or should I say, I was only 4 months into this parenting gig!
5. Lastly, do your best to remember to praise your partner/spouse of their role with parenting or with working, or keeping the house up, etc. You spend every waking moment showing love & attention on this new addition that it is VERY easy to forget to shower love on your closest loved one! Find the energy in you to say "thank you" when he/she does even the most mundane tasks! If you used to give your spouse a back rub once in a while, take a moment to do it again. Even a few minutes will help remind him that you care of his well being too.
Good luck all you Momma & Poppas! You're on an amazing and difficult journey but it will all be worth it as you go along (not just in the end). With these tips you'll be well on your way to becoming a Good parent as well as someone who hasn't completely lost sight of who they are & their relationship with their partner!
Some thoughts for new parents:
1. If you have a partner or a family member who is with you, devise a schedule to divide up the care of the baby. Even it if it is into 1/2 hour increments (you care for baby for 30 min then your spouse does and so on) or chunk it into larger time slots if that works. This way, you WILL find time to take a shower or make a phone call or heaven forbid, lay down and close your eyes! This works for breast feeding moms too so there's no excuses! And if you are really lucky, baby will be sleeping during your 30minute time slot so then it's like getting a whole hour to take care of other things on your mind!
2. After those first couple weeks...go back to living your normal life before you forget what that was like! Its ok to take your baby everywhere you go. Get out of the house! This is usually the only time strangers will sympathize with you when baby cries or you look a mess. You can say "I"m a new Mom, I just gave birth." Everyone will "oooh" and "aahhh" and forget all about how you look or what disturbance was originally being caused! This will NOT be the case when the child is a year old...then they judge. But for now, go do what you gotta do!
3. Do not turn down help! If a friend says "hey can I bring you dinner?" Your reply should immediately be "Yes, that would be awesome, what night?" If someone else says "Do you need any help about the house?" Your reply should be "Yes, we need our yard mowed & bathrooms done...would you mind doing either of these?" Take people up on their offers AND give them direction on how they can help/where you need help. They aren't mind readers...they've just "been there" so to speak...they know you'd love the help & are offering. Help them follow through so as to make your life- in that moment- easier! This too will not last! No matter how dear your friends are, I guarantee that a year from now they will not be offering to cook & clean for your family!
4. Find a "moms" group, a book club, or a playgroup made up of other parents. Maybe you know a few people who already have kids and maybe you think you know it all already! You don't! Connecting with other NEW parents in particular will help "check & balance" your own experiences, unlike "books" about child development. And since parenthood experiences are so varied you will certainly learn new strategies to relating with your child. You can wait til your child is 1 or older...but why? Some of my most cherished relationships were made when my daughter was four months old or should I say, I was only 4 months into this parenting gig!
5. Lastly, do your best to remember to praise your partner/spouse of their role with parenting or with working, or keeping the house up, etc. You spend every waking moment showing love & attention on this new addition that it is VERY easy to forget to shower love on your closest loved one! Find the energy in you to say "thank you" when he/she does even the most mundane tasks! If you used to give your spouse a back rub once in a while, take a moment to do it again. Even a few minutes will help remind him that you care of his well being too.
Good luck all you Momma & Poppas! You're on an amazing and difficult journey but it will all be worth it as you go along (not just in the end). With these tips you'll be well on your way to becoming a Good parent as well as someone who hasn't completely lost sight of who they are & their relationship with their partner!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Stepping in or on?
When I examine my own parenting style I have to say that being a control freak has come in handy for a good portion of what I consider my "success" as a parent. Specifically in the areas of establishing and maintaining routine & structure through my children's first 5 years. And while it may surprise some, I haven't always been this way~ feeling the need to control things, that is. In 2001 I learned a valuable lesson in the workplace that taught me that I literally could not do my job unless I "let others." That in fact it was my job to role model, to teach life skills, to supervise (support & challenge my then staff), and to ultimately allow them to then flourish, infusing their own ideas, styles, knowledge, etc into the work we were accomplishing together. As my kids grow I hope to loosen up the "control" I've had over these informative years so as to "let them" live their lives & flourish!
But being a bit of a control freak in terms of parenting is not necessarily the best quality to have especially around other parents! That is unless of course I'm stepping in to control a situation that saves your child's life! Or saves them from harm of some sort. This recently happened to me (two times!) and it left me feeling a bit awkward because while it was clear that my Mom-friends were totally cool with me need to intervene, I wasn't necessarily totally cool with how nonchalant their own parenting was considering we were all in the same vicinity when the situations were occurring. There were many things I wanted to say during & after to my Mom-friends and their children but refrained in doing so mostly because "who am I?"
The underlying dilema is if we do step in at various situations, we show that we are a caring community of parents & friends. If we do not or do or say too much we may end up stepping on toes or not being true to our own sense of right from wrong. I am left wondering about these boundaries and why people get so offensive if someone steps in to parent their child? (other than the obvious of "youre not the parent").
There certainly are various factors to consider when stepping in to parent other peoples children specifically the type of relationship (if any) you share. If you have the opportunity to ask first "hey, do you want me to intervene if theres an issue between the kids?" than try to do so. Whenever I drop my kids off at a friend/family's home I always state "Its okay to discipline them, they know to go to the corner if misbehaving", etc because I do not want my friends to feel uncertain or weird about how to handle my kids when I'm not there. Even in instances of a play date, I try to be "aware" enough that I can say to another parent "If you feel my son is too rough, please say something. He likes to wrestle but it can get out of hand." I'll go so far as noticing if another parent is showing non-verbal concerns and I'll correct my kids before there is an issue. I even go so far as trying to make eye contact or small talk with a parent at a park if our kids are playing together in attempt to establish the degree to which they are watching their own children, in case something does happens. Now some of you are thinking I'm not controlling, just neurotic! LOL
Stepping in for any reason feels more like overstepping if its a situation with people you have no relationship with at all! People get bent out of shape because another Mom spoke to their child asking them to "not scream" in the restaurant play area or at the park when you ask if they could let other children have a turn at the swings. I guarantee you that if you intervened to save a child from stabbing another one with a folk at the same restaurant, that parent might be more thankful than anything!
At some point we have to start viewing parenting as a community thing because we are all living in this world together! You can "let go" without being neglectful! So whether it's your control freak of nature creeping into your parenting style or just a desire to save the world one child at a time... I say step in when you think it's good role modeling or when there are life lessons or skills to be taught, regardless if it is your children or not. Step in if it means saving someone from harm. These are things a good parent will do because in the end, children are not children for very long. With any hope they too will flourish one day and perhaps even into good parents themselves!
But being a bit of a control freak in terms of parenting is not necessarily the best quality to have especially around other parents! That is unless of course I'm stepping in to control a situation that saves your child's life! Or saves them from harm of some sort. This recently happened to me (two times!) and it left me feeling a bit awkward because while it was clear that my Mom-friends were totally cool with me need to intervene, I wasn't necessarily totally cool with how nonchalant their own parenting was considering we were all in the same vicinity when the situations were occurring. There were many things I wanted to say during & after to my Mom-friends and their children but refrained in doing so mostly because "who am I?"
The underlying dilema is if we do step in at various situations, we show that we are a caring community of parents & friends. If we do not or do or say too much we may end up stepping on toes or not being true to our own sense of right from wrong. I am left wondering about these boundaries and why people get so offensive if someone steps in to parent their child? (other than the obvious of "youre not the parent").
There certainly are various factors to consider when stepping in to parent other peoples children specifically the type of relationship (if any) you share. If you have the opportunity to ask first "hey, do you want me to intervene if theres an issue between the kids?" than try to do so. Whenever I drop my kids off at a friend/family's home I always state "Its okay to discipline them, they know to go to the corner if misbehaving", etc because I do not want my friends to feel uncertain or weird about how to handle my kids when I'm not there. Even in instances of a play date, I try to be "aware" enough that I can say to another parent "If you feel my son is too rough, please say something. He likes to wrestle but it can get out of hand." I'll go so far as noticing if another parent is showing non-verbal concerns and I'll correct my kids before there is an issue. I even go so far as trying to make eye contact or small talk with a parent at a park if our kids are playing together in attempt to establish the degree to which they are watching their own children, in case something does happens. Now some of you are thinking I'm not controlling, just neurotic! LOL
Stepping in for any reason feels more like overstepping if its a situation with people you have no relationship with at all! People get bent out of shape because another Mom spoke to their child asking them to "not scream" in the restaurant play area or at the park when you ask if they could let other children have a turn at the swings. I guarantee you that if you intervened to save a child from stabbing another one with a folk at the same restaurant, that parent might be more thankful than anything!
At some point we have to start viewing parenting as a community thing because we are all living in this world together! You can "let go" without being neglectful! So whether it's your control freak of nature creeping into your parenting style or just a desire to save the world one child at a time... I say step in when you think it's good role modeling or when there are life lessons or skills to be taught, regardless if it is your children or not. Step in if it means saving someone from harm. These are things a good parent will do because in the end, children are not children for very long. With any hope they too will flourish one day and perhaps even into good parents themselves!
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