People close to me know I love the show the Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan. There is one resounding theme that Cesar encounters and addresses in each episode which is the fact that the human is the pack leader and the dogs are part of the pack. Most of the time Cesar is "rehabilitating" the humans who have been treating their pets like little humans and projecting human emotion and communication styles onto their dog(s).
In every episode, it becomes apparent that the dog craves structure and leadership from the human. This is so similar to how a child looks to their parent as a role model and safe place, providing that structure to grow. When a parent loses their way in terms of providing comfort, routine, stability, and clear communication of expectations then the relationship with the child begins to show signs of stress.
These signs often manifest in the child's behaviors. A careful examination of the parent's behaviors (including words) is equally telling that there is a certain level of dysfunction. Behaviors you might see surface from a child will include but not limited to:
Talking back
Avoiding responsibilities
Lying
Unphased by disciplinary actions
Purposeful actions to sabotage routine
Parental behaviors that surface when they are no longer a positive role model or safe place:
Failure to acknowledge the positives in child
Reduction or absence of affection
Comparing child to siblings
Projecting self onto the child
Whatever age your child is...if you are feeling he/she is straying from your expectations, being disrespectful, or outright unruly, then here are some steps you can try to right the ship before too much more time sets in:
Spend alone time with your child. This might be in the form of hanging out in their room for 15 minutes before tucking them into bed, going out to eat one on one, playing a simple game together, reading together, or simply sitting side by side while you watch a TV show.
Write your child a note letting them know how much you love them, name something special about them, telling them you aren't perfect and don't expect them to be so either, or apologizing for something you did.
Hug. Seriously, just hug your child. Hold on a little longer and hug a little more randomly then you might have before. Do not underestimate the power of a parent's affection and being the one to initiate the hug.
It can be a shock to really good parents when their kids start to deviate from the person they are trying to cultivate. In any relationship, there are triggers both ways. This means it is important for parents to acknowledge that they may need to tweak their parenting styles or typical "go to" strategies that may no longer work as their child grows from toddler to youth to preteen to teen. How parents behave and what parents say directly influences their child's behaviors and communication. Without recognizing this, nothing will change.
The onus is on the parent...the pack leader...to take the first steps to change their behavior(s) and clarify expectations for the child. There are few things more important than your child. Seriously, what is more important? Homework? A clean bedroom? Whether they played their instruments or took a shower? Parents beg and plead and fight with their children over so many ridiculous subjects...when all that really matters is loving their child. All the child really wants is to feel loved. Let us get back to showing love, being the child's rock, their leader, their safe place. I believe everything else will fall into place when parents infuse these into their Parenting.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Monday, September 25, 2017
You are Better
There have recently been two powerful parenting messages I've been working with my own children lately that have dramatically changed the way I think. In changing my thinking, naturally it follows that my relationships and behaviors are also influenced. In this blog, I introduce you to a message that was shared with me by another Mother. An amazing Mother, a wise Mother, a Mother who will move mountains for her Son.
She shared a story of some of her Son's experiences at school. In one instance she shared how a teacher at the school repeatedly mispronounced her Son's name (adding a letter where there is not) even after being corrected. This Mother explained to her Son later the importance of rising above such overt actions because "He is Better." This teacher's inability to learn how to pronounce his name shouldn't get him down, or mad, or irritated. It shouldn't chip away at who he is...a positive, smart, kind, conscientious young man. Its the teacher's issue...not his. He is Better.
I love this. He is Better. He IS Better. Note, she didn't say "He is better than..." Just He is Better. Let this message sit with you for a few minutes. It is profound.
It is a message that every parent needs to convey to their child. You are Better.
It leads to a conversation about what is expected of your child. Children need to hear their parents praise them, believe in them, and give boundaries including expectations of behaviors. Saying "You are Better" does not mean that someone else is less. Let me say that again.... by telling your child "you are better" you are not taking anything away from any other child or from siblings. They too can be "better" if they are challenged, called, and given the opportunity to be so. Your child's self worth has nothing to do with anyone else. This is a powerful message to understand. Many adults do not believe this as they have lived a life in competition with others or blaming others for their circumstances. Your child's self worth shouldn't come from whether they are the faster runner, the smartest in class, the prettiest. While those qualities may be coveted, they all stem from being compared with others. Your child's self worth should come from within. From being kind, from empathizing with others, from practicing honesty, from loving themselves.
This simple statement opens the door to allowing the parent to encourage the child to be better without repercussions. It feels taboo to tell your child to "be better" because the thinking follows "be better than so and so" which pits children and parents against each other. My own children looked at me and asked "be better than each other?" They couldn't comprehend what it meant to be better in terms of being a good person, in terms of trying their personal best, in terms of being at peace with life choices, etc. They immediately associated better with "better than someone else."
Parents should be encouraging their children to be a better version of themselves. To be the BEST version of themselves. My life is not a competition with you and yours. My child's accomplishments or failures have nothing to do with you and yours. I want to shout to the roof tops all the wonderful qualities about my children. But if I did that, people would think I'm bragging. Because parents are so wrapped up in competition....wrapped up in defining ourselves against others. How wrong is that? That a parent feels they can't speak positively about their children? Once we come to understand that we should all be striving to be better (just better...not better than someone else), it frees us up to fully support each other and genuinely desire others to be better too. I want everyone to be Better. Be Better. Be a better version of yourself tomorrow than what you were today.
She shared a story of some of her Son's experiences at school. In one instance she shared how a teacher at the school repeatedly mispronounced her Son's name (adding a letter where there is not) even after being corrected. This Mother explained to her Son later the importance of rising above such overt actions because "He is Better." This teacher's inability to learn how to pronounce his name shouldn't get him down, or mad, or irritated. It shouldn't chip away at who he is...a positive, smart, kind, conscientious young man. Its the teacher's issue...not his. He is Better.
I love this. He is Better. He IS Better. Note, she didn't say "He is better than..." Just He is Better. Let this message sit with you for a few minutes. It is profound.
It is a message that every parent needs to convey to their child. You are Better.
It leads to a conversation about what is expected of your child. Children need to hear their parents praise them, believe in them, and give boundaries including expectations of behaviors. Saying "You are Better" does not mean that someone else is less. Let me say that again.... by telling your child "you are better" you are not taking anything away from any other child or from siblings. They too can be "better" if they are challenged, called, and given the opportunity to be so. Your child's self worth has nothing to do with anyone else. This is a powerful message to understand. Many adults do not believe this as they have lived a life in competition with others or blaming others for their circumstances. Your child's self worth shouldn't come from whether they are the faster runner, the smartest in class, the prettiest. While those qualities may be coveted, they all stem from being compared with others. Your child's self worth should come from within. From being kind, from empathizing with others, from practicing honesty, from loving themselves.
This simple statement opens the door to allowing the parent to encourage the child to be better without repercussions. It feels taboo to tell your child to "be better" because the thinking follows "be better than so and so" which pits children and parents against each other. My own children looked at me and asked "be better than each other?" They couldn't comprehend what it meant to be better in terms of being a good person, in terms of trying their personal best, in terms of being at peace with life choices, etc. They immediately associated better with "better than someone else."
Parents should be encouraging their children to be a better version of themselves. To be the BEST version of themselves. My life is not a competition with you and yours. My child's accomplishments or failures have nothing to do with you and yours. I want to shout to the roof tops all the wonderful qualities about my children. But if I did that, people would think I'm bragging. Because parents are so wrapped up in competition....wrapped up in defining ourselves against others. How wrong is that? That a parent feels they can't speak positively about their children? Once we come to understand that we should all be striving to be better (just better...not better than someone else), it frees us up to fully support each other and genuinely desire others to be better too. I want everyone to be Better. Be Better. Be a better version of yourself tomorrow than what you were today.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
The Right Direction
I have no doubt that someone reading this is going to think that I'm over reacting or making a big deal about a little toy or somehow being a Mom who takes the fun out of fun. That is fine with me. If you are one of those people, then you are likely living life in the wrong direction, in my humble opinion.
I don't like the word choice of "wrong" because we all know that we all live our live differently, different circumstances, different contexts, just plain different. And who is to say your way is wrong and mine is right.
But I can't help but feel and believe that we make choices in our lives that are directed towards what we think is right or correct or best. So there is some understanding for each of us in a "right" from "wrong."
So here I am, just living life, staying afloat, and trying to do my best in all facets of my life. Then...
Enters the fidget spinner.
From the moment I was introduced to this gadget, toy, object via a description by a school friend who was raving about wanting one, to hearing my child beg to buy one, I knew there was no way on God's great earth I would allow my kids to have one. In the moment I couldn't tell you why. The words were not ready to match my instinct but they were formulating.
As the weeks past and my son continued to beg, I continued to say no. As the weeks past, stories of fidget spinners gone wrong began to surface. With any product that goes mainstream, this one began making news and making waves. There are lots of reasons I am not a fan of the fidget spinner but still none of the naysayer reasons hit the nail on head.
And then... in a moment of prayer... it came to me. I realized that the reason I dislike the fidget spinner (for mainstream population) is because it represents the exact opposite direction I want my kids to go in. The fidget spinner is the wrong direction. What I mean is this: today's mainstream kids do not need to be more busy, more occupied, more obsessed, more fidgety. They need to be just be. To Just be...the opposite. More calm, more focused, more clear, more still.
What if parents everywhere encouraged and embraced spending quiet time with their kids. Just sitting together in silence, or in prayer, watching the clouds or stars, or reading or singing. What if kids were as excited for quiet time as they are to play with a fidget spinner? What a very different world we would live in. That quiet time could be spent dreaming, inventing, learning about ourselves, learning about others, learning about the world, growing in faith with God.
The world throws so much at our kids whether it's technology or societal pressures to be involved in this or that. Kids need to slow down, find their inner voices, learn to quiet their minds & bodies.
The fact that this is not the case and that parents and children went gaga about fidget spinners in the blink of an eye, spending money, hunting them down, spending too much time playing with them, allowing them to disrupt classrooms, etc all of this says a lot about the direction society is going. Its not good. Parents, the changes start with you. These are the things I think about but can't always find the words.
Last week, my son's best friend gave him a fidget spinner. I wasn't going to make him give it back. It was a gift and despite how I feel, I know its my job as the parent to teach my child how to play with this object responsibly. I am not going to let this object take my child in the wrong direction. So like all things, we talked about it, set boundaries. He knows I don't love it and at the same time, I've "played" with it, with him, to learn why he and many others find it so fascinating. Its the kind of item that can only be played with in public spaces. Its the kind of item (and what it represents) that needs monitoring. I don't trust it & it's direction.
So, I spend a lot of quiet time with my son as a way of reinforcing what I think our priorities should be in addition to achieving a sense of calm, focus, clarity, and stillness in our lives. He loves our quiet time more than he loves the fidget spinner. My job as a good parent isn't done but at least we're pointed in the right direction.
I don't like the word choice of "wrong" because we all know that we all live our live differently, different circumstances, different contexts, just plain different. And who is to say your way is wrong and mine is right.
But I can't help but feel and believe that we make choices in our lives that are directed towards what we think is right or correct or best. So there is some understanding for each of us in a "right" from "wrong."
So here I am, just living life, staying afloat, and trying to do my best in all facets of my life. Then...
Enters the fidget spinner.
From the moment I was introduced to this gadget, toy, object via a description by a school friend who was raving about wanting one, to hearing my child beg to buy one, I knew there was no way on God's great earth I would allow my kids to have one. In the moment I couldn't tell you why. The words were not ready to match my instinct but they were formulating.
As the weeks past and my son continued to beg, I continued to say no. As the weeks past, stories of fidget spinners gone wrong began to surface. With any product that goes mainstream, this one began making news and making waves. There are lots of reasons I am not a fan of the fidget spinner but still none of the naysayer reasons hit the nail on head.
And then... in a moment of prayer... it came to me. I realized that the reason I dislike the fidget spinner (for mainstream population) is because it represents the exact opposite direction I want my kids to go in. The fidget spinner is the wrong direction. What I mean is this: today's mainstream kids do not need to be more busy, more occupied, more obsessed, more fidgety. They need to be just be. To Just be...the opposite. More calm, more focused, more clear, more still.
What if parents everywhere encouraged and embraced spending quiet time with their kids. Just sitting together in silence, or in prayer, watching the clouds or stars, or reading or singing. What if kids were as excited for quiet time as they are to play with a fidget spinner? What a very different world we would live in. That quiet time could be spent dreaming, inventing, learning about ourselves, learning about others, learning about the world, growing in faith with God.
The world throws so much at our kids whether it's technology or societal pressures to be involved in this or that. Kids need to slow down, find their inner voices, learn to quiet their minds & bodies.
The fact that this is not the case and that parents and children went gaga about fidget spinners in the blink of an eye, spending money, hunting them down, spending too much time playing with them, allowing them to disrupt classrooms, etc all of this says a lot about the direction society is going. Its not good. Parents, the changes start with you. These are the things I think about but can't always find the words.
Last week, my son's best friend gave him a fidget spinner. I wasn't going to make him give it back. It was a gift and despite how I feel, I know its my job as the parent to teach my child how to play with this object responsibly. I am not going to let this object take my child in the wrong direction. So like all things, we talked about it, set boundaries. He knows I don't love it and at the same time, I've "played" with it, with him, to learn why he and many others find it so fascinating. Its the kind of item that can only be played with in public spaces. Its the kind of item (and what it represents) that needs monitoring. I don't trust it & it's direction.
So, I spend a lot of quiet time with my son as a way of reinforcing what I think our priorities should be in addition to achieving a sense of calm, focus, clarity, and stillness in our lives. He loves our quiet time more than he loves the fidget spinner. My job as a good parent isn't done but at least we're pointed in the right direction.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Ah-ha moment
Its been a long time since I've blogged about parenting...and oh boy has parenting changed now that the kids are 9 & 7. Or should I say 9 going on 15 and 7 going on 11! Both kids we have finally reached THAT age where... from here on out, they will remember....everything! I don't know about you, but my childhood memories started around 3rd grade which doesn't mean theirs will but more than likely, we've reached THAT age.
Parenting up until now was done with the best of intentions, with the best I knew how, given the resources at hand. However, it was also done with a little bit of "well, they won't remember this anyways." Which meant if their birthday cakes weren't perfectly decorated, their hair perfectly parted, if they didn't bathe every day or if I yelled a little too loud, then they likely wouldn't remember that I wasn't bringing my parenting A-game.
Those days are over. I've tried not to fret about this. Instead I've used this realization as a "check" in regards to my behaviors as a parent. I've put a little more thought into the way in which I mediate sibling arguments, I make sure to make eye contact with the kids and tell them "I love you" at least once a day. I fess up to taking Halloween candy while they are in school, I say "yes" to all requests to say the rosary. Believe me, after working all day, taking care of the house, hauling the kids to their activities, making dinner, etc...sometime the last thing I want to do is pray the rosary!
The kids don't realize any of this. They don't realize that through this relationship of parent & child, they are helping to push the boundaries of my ability to parent. They are showing me how strong I am, how much I can give, how deep I can love. In return I hope to show them the same.
Tonight I had an Ah-ha moment. It was almost an out of body experience. It made me feel incredibly special (for no particular reason) and grateful to be their parent. The moment confirmed for me that I'm on the right parenting path.
In many ways it wasn't that unusual. I was laying on my son's bed while the kids were getting ready for bed and in my son's case, cleaning his room. He found a notebook he had been using as a journal and decided to write an entry. Of course I told him he needed to write about how great his Mom is, while he insisted he write about how much he loves Pokemon! My daughter came in, laid on the bed with me. The three of us just talked and giggled. I thought about how much I love spending time with the kids.
I love spending time with my kids. I've always loved spending time with my kids. It is who I am. That's my A-game.
Parenting up until now was done with the best of intentions, with the best I knew how, given the resources at hand. However, it was also done with a little bit of "well, they won't remember this anyways." Which meant if their birthday cakes weren't perfectly decorated, their hair perfectly parted, if they didn't bathe every day or if I yelled a little too loud, then they likely wouldn't remember that I wasn't bringing my parenting A-game.
Those days are over. I've tried not to fret about this. Instead I've used this realization as a "check" in regards to my behaviors as a parent. I've put a little more thought into the way in which I mediate sibling arguments, I make sure to make eye contact with the kids and tell them "I love you" at least once a day. I fess up to taking Halloween candy while they are in school, I say "yes" to all requests to say the rosary. Believe me, after working all day, taking care of the house, hauling the kids to their activities, making dinner, etc...sometime the last thing I want to do is pray the rosary!
The kids don't realize any of this. They don't realize that through this relationship of parent & child, they are helping to push the boundaries of my ability to parent. They are showing me how strong I am, how much I can give, how deep I can love. In return I hope to show them the same.
Tonight I had an Ah-ha moment. It was almost an out of body experience. It made me feel incredibly special (for no particular reason) and grateful to be their parent. The moment confirmed for me that I'm on the right parenting path.
In many ways it wasn't that unusual. I was laying on my son's bed while the kids were getting ready for bed and in my son's case, cleaning his room. He found a notebook he had been using as a journal and decided to write an entry. Of course I told him he needed to write about how great his Mom is, while he insisted he write about how much he loves Pokemon! My daughter came in, laid on the bed with me. The three of us just talked and giggled. I thought about how much I love spending time with the kids.
I love spending time with my kids. I've always loved spending time with my kids. It is who I am. That's my A-game.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Mommy can I sit on you? Mommy will you lay with me?
For quite some time I've wanted to write about two phrases my children say to me daily. If at any time I go to sit down in my home, within minutes one of my kids are at my side asking to "sit on me." They want to cuddle, tickle, giggle, talk or play games like "can you feel this?" where we close our eyes and gently touch places on each other's face trying to identify where the other touched them. When the kids were babies and toddlers of course they sat on my lap but now they are older and it's just not too comfortable for Mommy anymore! I've tried every excuse to get them off my lap. And why do they never do this with their Dad? I'm at a loss. It seems mean to say "no" and they are so sad the few times that I've held firm (like tonight because I've been battling a cold). Though my daughter says she plans to sit on my until she is 18, I know that the moments this activity brings are fleeting. But seriously, how long can it go on for? How long should I let it? I was at my in-laws over Christmas and my daughter flung herself into my lap and it felt almost embarrassing to have this larger child smothering my space. My Husband says "kick them off." Secretly, I love it-well, except when one of their elbow digs into my stomach.
The other phrase I hear daily or mostly nightly is "Mommy will you lay with me?" We rarely co-slept with our kids though we often took naps with them when they were little. I'm not sure when the request to lay with them began but it seems like its been a request for years. There is no other phrase that pulls at my heart strings more than this one and my kids know they have me wrapped around their fingers at the mere utterance of these words. Why am I such a sucker for them? I think it's part of a Mother's nature to revel in the smell of her babies. My kids are so soft and smell so good. They both love to cuddle and whisper secrets or play with their stuffed animals or gossip about school friends. When we lay together Mommy shares her childhood stories or we make up stories or dream about the future. There is something special about laying next to one another in the dark, hearing each other's voices, feeling each other's touch, but not seeing the other's expressions. I love them and love spending time with them. I have fond memories of laying in bed with my Mom, talking, watching TV, Mom running her fingers through my hair as she talked on the phone. I also have (often) unjustified fears that cause me to (over) value every moment they want or need me. What if something happens to me? One of their last memories would be the time we spent laying together. What if something happen to them? Then I would know they felt loved.
How about you? What do your kids say/do to tug at your heart strings?
The other phrase I hear daily or mostly nightly is "Mommy will you lay with me?" We rarely co-slept with our kids though we often took naps with them when they were little. I'm not sure when the request to lay with them began but it seems like its been a request for years. There is no other phrase that pulls at my heart strings more than this one and my kids know they have me wrapped around their fingers at the mere utterance of these words. Why am I such a sucker for them? I think it's part of a Mother's nature to revel in the smell of her babies. My kids are so soft and smell so good. They both love to cuddle and whisper secrets or play with their stuffed animals or gossip about school friends. When we lay together Mommy shares her childhood stories or we make up stories or dream about the future. There is something special about laying next to one another in the dark, hearing each other's voices, feeling each other's touch, but not seeing the other's expressions. I love them and love spending time with them. I have fond memories of laying in bed with my Mom, talking, watching TV, Mom running her fingers through my hair as she talked on the phone. I also have (often) unjustified fears that cause me to (over) value every moment they want or need me. What if something happens to me? One of their last memories would be the time we spent laying together. What if something happen to them? Then I would know they felt loved.
How about you? What do your kids say/do to tug at your heart strings?
Fair Parenting
Anyone who has a sibling has probably felt at one time or another during childhood or even adulthood, that their parent (s) did not treat all of the kids fairly. Whether this perception of fairness had any warrant behind it or whether is was more than true, when a child feels their parent is not being fair, it's heart breaking. As much as our kids swear they want to play video games all day... what they really want is to spend time with their parents. 9 times out of 10, if the parents had less responsibilities they too would want to spend all their time with the kids. But little do the children realize that even with all the time in the world, fair parenting will never be possible.
Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair. That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw. Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.
I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED. That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.
For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.
Tonight was the first time that my oldest child voiced her realization that I do not interact with her and her brother in the same ways when I spend time with them individually. The quality and quantity of our time together, the content and context of our time together are often extremely different. What they perceive as time together even varies from child to child. I listened to my daughter for nearly 45 minutes as she unloaded how unfair I am in terms of how I relate to her verses her brother. How he gets everything. How she has to make him Nutella on bread. How he cries and gets his way. I wanted to tell her that things aren't going to always be fair. That there are times when she won't understand why Mommy makes the decisions she does, that sometimes "time" will reveal a sense of fairness even if in the moment things aren't fair. But these sentiments would only hurt her feelings further. It is a hard lesson to embrace. I'll revisit it when the emotions are less raw. Tonight I just listened. When she exhausted her words and tears, I calmly reminded her of all the special times we spend together, all the unique gifts and experiences she has, and how helping Mom is a form of developing responsibilities & trust.
I reminded her of how much she is loved. How much SHE.IS.LOVED. That is what she needed after 45 minutes of spinning out of control. 45 minutes of feeling less than compared to her brother. 45 minutes of not feeling appreciated. 45 minutes of her heart breaking because she desperately wants to spend time with her Mom but has to share. 45 minutes of realizing growing up is hard.
For me I am left to dwell on how to approach the conversations on fair parenting and it's challenges with the kids. Perhaps I'll sit them down at the same time and just spell out it's impossibilities. I'm left feeling a little guilty because there are times when I want to snuggle with one kid or have deep conversations with the other because who they are fulfills some of my needs And lets face it, some kids are more enjoyable to hang out with than others (at various times of their childhood). I am left thinking about how the issue(s) of fair parenting will be with us as long as we are in the parenting role.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Parenting grade school kids
At various time when my babies were babies, I looked forward to and almost longed for the days when both kids would finally be in school full time. Well, those days have arrived! For the past 5 months I've been juggling the lives of a kindergartener and second grader (in addition to my own and sometimes my husbands). I used to think that because the kids would be "gone all day" that I would get so much accomplished in their absence, leaving me nothing else to do but dote on them when they returned home. It would be so great! Ha ha ha ha! That is so not how our reality is playing out! Here is an example of a typical week-day in our household:
6:30am I get up, shower & dress
6:50am I set up breakfast and pack lunches
7:05am I wake up both kids, they get dressed & I do my daughters hair
7:15am We three eat breakfast together
7:30am Brush teeth
7:40am leave the house for school
7:50am drop kids off at school for 8am start.
(I go to work daily from 8am-12:30pm)
From 12:30-2:30pm I use this time to eat my lunch, do household chores, set up dinner, workout, run errands.
2:30pm-go to pick up kids
2:45pm Pick up kids
3:00pm home from pick up, unpack lunch bags & folders, take out homework, read papers
3:00pm kids have snack
3:10pm kids do homework
3:45pm one kid is finished and goes off to play
4:00pm other one finishes and joins sibling to play. I put away homework, begin to prep dinner
5:00pm eat dinner together
5:30pm showers
6:00pm reading homework for both kids
6:30pm TV show for the kids while they have a snack
7:00pm One kid goes to practice piano while other kid gets ready for bed
7:30pm we are all upstairs. By now my husband is home so he is catching up with the kids as one gets ready for bed.
7:45pm both kids are in bed.
NOTE: the above time line is for days we do not have piano or swim lessons. On those days, the items between 3:30pm- 6:30pm are shifted around to accommodate the extra curricular activity.
Our lives these days are very scheduled with very little wiggle room. Often times the kids will ask to have "play dates" with their friends. It makes me sad to say "but we don't have time during the week." However, it is literally the truth. I barely have time with them during the week. My time with them is spent shuffling them from one task or activity to another & over seeing everything. My parenting has been more of managing verses "teaching"...like when they were babies. This makes me sad too because as a parent/manager I'm more often than not "the bad guy." I'm the one who has to cut off their play time after an hour so we can eat. When I mention the word "shower" they run away from me! When I was parent/teacher I felt as though I was this positive role model introducing my children to the world and they were sponges who didn't want to leave Mommy's side. As parents we will wear many hats as our children grow. Its good to spend time reflecting on how you're parenting these days and thank goodness for weekends when you can make up the deficiencies!
6:30am I get up, shower & dress
6:50am I set up breakfast and pack lunches
7:05am I wake up both kids, they get dressed & I do my daughters hair
7:15am We three eat breakfast together
7:30am Brush teeth
7:40am leave the house for school
7:50am drop kids off at school for 8am start.
(I go to work daily from 8am-12:30pm)
From 12:30-2:30pm I use this time to eat my lunch, do household chores, set up dinner, workout, run errands.
2:30pm-go to pick up kids
2:45pm Pick up kids
3:00pm home from pick up, unpack lunch bags & folders, take out homework, read papers
3:00pm kids have snack
3:10pm kids do homework
3:45pm one kid is finished and goes off to play
4:00pm other one finishes and joins sibling to play. I put away homework, begin to prep dinner
5:00pm eat dinner together
5:30pm showers
6:00pm reading homework for both kids
6:30pm TV show for the kids while they have a snack
7:00pm One kid goes to practice piano while other kid gets ready for bed
7:30pm we are all upstairs. By now my husband is home so he is catching up with the kids as one gets ready for bed.
7:45pm both kids are in bed.
NOTE: the above time line is for days we do not have piano or swim lessons. On those days, the items between 3:30pm- 6:30pm are shifted around to accommodate the extra curricular activity.
Our lives these days are very scheduled with very little wiggle room. Often times the kids will ask to have "play dates" with their friends. It makes me sad to say "but we don't have time during the week." However, it is literally the truth. I barely have time with them during the week. My time with them is spent shuffling them from one task or activity to another & over seeing everything. My parenting has been more of managing verses "teaching"...like when they were babies. This makes me sad too because as a parent/manager I'm more often than not "the bad guy." I'm the one who has to cut off their play time after an hour so we can eat. When I mention the word "shower" they run away from me! When I was parent/teacher I felt as though I was this positive role model introducing my children to the world and they were sponges who didn't want to leave Mommy's side. As parents we will wear many hats as our children grow. Its good to spend time reflecting on how you're parenting these days and thank goodness for weekends when you can make up the deficiencies!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Time for a change
Hello Readers! Happy New Year 2014! It has been a few months since the last posts. It hasn't been for lack of parenting topics to write about but rather that for some time I've been thinking about changing the focus of this blog--still about parenting but from a different angle. There have been a lot of changes in my life too as my children grow up so the role of Motherhood gets tweaked along the way. I also picked up a part time job outside of the home and am still trying to organize my life such that I can find that ever elusive "me" time. It is a goal of mine to have the new blog up & active before too long. Much of it is dependent on finding someone to help me with the blog layout/format. My hope it to make the blog more personal and long lasting. I've appreciated you taking the time to read my experiences, thoughts on what being a Good Parent is all about, and chiming in as you've felt a connection. Stay tuned and have a great year!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Full Circle: Rhonda's story
Becoming a Good Parent requires a little reflection on and appreciation for your personal journey to becoming a parent. Many of my friends had difficult pregnancies, waiting countless years, experienced multiple miscarriages, or were not able to conceive/carry on their own. I believe these journey's create a foundation for and have a profound impact on how we parent our children.
Last month I asked if any readers were interested in sharing a parenting story. I have the honor to share Rhonda's story with you today:
Last month I asked if any readers were interested in sharing a parenting story. I have the honor to share Rhonda's story with you today:
Thank you, Christy, for opening up your blog page to
me. Here is a little of my story.
God finally did bless me with two wonderful boys, but my
road to motherhood was not easy.
I was a “tom boy” growing up and I did not relate well to
girls wanting to play dress up and Barbie dolls. A good game of kick ball and maybe a bike
ride around the block…now you’re talking!
I had an older brother and maybe that had something to do with it. For someone so full of life, and active as I
was, it so frustrated me that I could not find that magical answer for when
people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. You know that answer that would make them
pleased and one that would make me smile on the inside too. Couldn’t life just stay like this – fun and
carefree? I was born with one arm. I prided myself on proving people wrong when
they thought I could not do something. So
why was this question so hard? This
adult world seemed a bit scary and I had no idea what I would do in it. I did envy others who knew exactly what they
wanted to do. I love my parents dearly
and do appreciate all that they did for me.
However, as no parent is ever perfect, I feel that guidance was a little
lacking when it came to helping me succeed in school as well as planning and
preparing me for my future.
Well, I did come to know, eventually, what I wanted out of
life, but it was not enough for today’s woman.
I felt the push of our culture to become a strong, independent, career-minded
woman. The desire to maintain a certain
standard of living was there too and so just being a wife and mother surely was
not enough.
So, I went to college.
Growing up, this path was kind of just expected because my parents held
degrees, although we really did not talk about it. Fortunately, I found my future husband during
this time. He was my complete opposite
in so many ways. Where I was weak, he
was strong and vice versa. Some said it
was a match made in Heaven and we were in love.
I was certain that he was the one thing to put me on the road to
happiness and perpetual wedded bliss.
Yep, it would not be long now before ALL my dreams would come true.
I was ready to start a family from day one, but
understandably my husband wanted to hold off awhile. It was only a couple years waiting before he
gave the green light. We both were able
to get our careers underway and purchased our first home. Then the news came. The only thing I ever knew I really wanted
since I was a little girl was impossible for us. There is no way we can have biological
children together. Devastated but still
ready to start a family, we signed up the next day for international
adoption.
As I said earlier, we finally were blessed with two
beautiful boys, but God led us down a completely different path than when we
first started out; our boys are privately adopted from right here in my own
home state. The journey seemed so
long. Through those years, I was
beginning to wonder if becoming a mother would ever happen at all. I felt this sense of being trapped for lack
of better words. The stress of it all
revealed some cracks in our marriage. My
life felt out-of-control. When I was around
mature women telling of their own baby stories, I felt left out. When I would be giving gifts to friends at their
baby showers, I would be sitting there wondering if I will ever be on the
receiving end. I constantly had this
gnawing sense of waiting – waiting for my life to really begin. I felt stuck in a career that did not satisfy
my soul and a marriage that was not providing that forever wedded bliss.
Hind sight is 20/20.
Yes, these were the most painful years of my life, but also the most
used to build my character and faith in God.
God was teaching me about real love and gave me His vision for what my
marriage can be. Certainly, I would not
be the Mother I am today if I had not gone through that experience and time of
waiting. I do not take any of the glory
for any proud parent moments that come my way.
I am a Mother only by God’s grace and through His perfect plan and
timing. I know that God is true to His Word
when he says nothing is impossible with God.
Today, I am a proud stay-at-home Mom and feel very blessed
to be able to do that. Although I do have
aspirations to rejoin the working world at some point, I now realize my true value
and worth at home with all my efforts as both a wife and mother. And, that is enough. Oh yeah, that “tom boy” that I told you about
is still inside me too and I feel right at home playing every day with my boys. I get to go out and play kick ball and ride
bikes. Life may not be so carefree being
on the responsible end of the stick, but it sure is fun! I am relishing these days and each and every
moment while my children are small, getting in all the hugs and kisses I can
because I know all too soon I will be sending them off. I want to prepare them for all of life’s
challenges. Even with all my mistakes
and failures (past and present), I know God, who is our perfect parent, is watching
over them. I will have done my job well
when my children learn to place their trust in Him too. I know my boys will go through their own
growing pains, but I can trust that God’s hand will guide them and make clear
His magnificent plans that He does have in store – just as He did for me. Yes, my boys came to me by His hand and they
belong to Him. They were never mine to
keep.
Thank you for reading my story, and may God
bless you on your own journey
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My secret to good behavior
Over the course of the 6 years I have been a parent, I've received many compliments on how my children are so well behaved. In fact, I'm sure that most of you won't believe me when I say that I can count on one hand (per child) how many tantrums each have ever had thus far in their short lives(age 4 & 6). It is true, really. And it was no surprise to me when my daughter won the "overall best behavior" award at the end of year kindergarten party. How my children act in public is exactly how they are at home...oh wait...they are probably even better behaved at home! At home the environment is predictable, safe, familiar as opposed to the public where there are many unknowns- Mommy talking to strangers, sitting in traffic, temptations at the store) for the little ones that may cause them to be more on edge and prone to misbehaving.
Some have asked "what's your secret?" (If you are going to read any further you MUST believe that discipline is a good parenting tool and has it's place in how parents can teach their children to be responsible & accountable for their behaviors.) I usually reply saying that I use the "Super Nanny" method of Time Out because most parents know about Super Nanny. The funny thing is that once I tell people I use time out, they usually tune-out. I'm not exactly sure why? I can guess because they think it involves a lot of work, or they think this method won't work for them, or they are really thinking my kids only behave well because they were born that way! LOL. I think 2 people have asked me for specifics over the years. I've even offered to go to friends' homes to demonstrate- jokingly inviting kids to "Camp Christine." That is how much I believe in the discipline method called Time Out.
You can begin to incorporate Time Outs into your response to poor behaviors from your child as early as 12 Months (Age 1). I'll give you a few minutes to get over the shock. Whether baby can walk or crawl, at age 1 your baby will start to engage in behaviors that are unwanted such as "screaming." Ok, sure, baby is trying out their newly discovered vocal cords as language development is really taking off at this age. BUT that doesn't mean baby should rule the house & wake the neighbors with her shrieks & screams! Its not acceptable. Here is what you do:
1. Baby Screams in the house.
2. Verbally go to baby, get down to baby's level and say calm & assertively "No screaming. We do not scream in the house."
3. Baby screams again (for example 5 minutes later). Repeat #2 and include. "If baby screams again, baby will go into the Time Out."
NOTE: The time out location should not be in their bedroom and should be in a discrete location/corner away from general play areas but not completely out of general sight.
You can show baby the "time out" location either now or prior to starting this regimen.
4. Baby screams again (for example 15 min later). Repeat #2 and include "Mommy said that if you screamed again, you will go in time out. You just screamed and that is a no-no." Take baby to time out location. "Because you screamed in the house, you will sit here for 1 minute. We do not scream in the house." Sit with baby, in the time out location for 1 minute- silently. After 1 minute, review why baby went into time out. Always say the following "Mommy loves you but Mommy does not love the screaming. Please do not scream again the house or you will keep going into time out." I always hug my child & tell him/her how much I love them.
Your 1 year old will likely look at you with a blank stare the whole time in the beginning. Just go through the motions. You will discover when it is an appropriate time for you to no longer sit beside them during time outs...and you will communicate to them that they are to sit their by themselves. This may not happen until age 2 and that's is okay! The rule of thumb is that they sit in the corner 1 minute for every year of life. It is good practice for when their understanding really sinks in...and the repetition with the child at this age will actually make it easier for them later because they will know the routine, know what is expected of them, and know that you are holding them accountable. Children as young as age 1 are always testing boundaries. They look to their parents to learn right from wrong, to learn appropriate social norms, to be consistent in their lives, to be strong leaders.
Once you go through the steps above, it is up to you if you want to always give a three strikes then time out or if you start the day reminding them of acceptable behaviors and go immediately to time out when a slip up occurs. Your children WILL NOTICE when you slip up and fail to follow through. Discipline only works when there is consistency. If your spouse shares the disciplining, you may need to role play how to do "Time Outs." The child should have nearly the same experience every time. When discipline is predictable, it allows the child to actually focus on what the poor behavior is at hand.
As the baby gets older and comprehension expands, the Time Out experience can include a comprehension check where you ask "do you understand why Mommy put you in a time out?" or "why did you throw the ball at your sister? how do you think that made her feel?" In addition to talking with your child about alternative behaviors that would be more appropriate such as "what could you have said to your sister instead of just taking the ball? what could you have done differently?" Be aware that ages 2 & 3 require a lot of reflecting of emotions in your conversations with the child in helping them understand why they behaved the way they did, such as "Were you mad at your Sister when you threw the ball?"
As soon as baby can speak then step 5 should be used to wrap up the time out. This is the step where the baby (now child) apologizes for their poor behavior/behavior choices. Do not let the apology slide! It is important that other children trust & respect your child and they will only do so when your child begins to recognize right from wrong. It is a humbling experience to apologize to someone but it is a good lesson all children should experience for it builds character!
Prior to being a parent, I was a supervisor of undergraduate college student Resident Assistants(RAs). I tried to create a very open, trust worthy, respectful relationship with my staff. Even though the RAs were usually the "cream of the crop" in terms of upstanding behaviors, a desire to follow the rules, etc... there were still instances when staff did not fulfill expectations. Along the way I've heard every excuse in the book! But the one phrase I longed to hear most was "It won't happen again." I have already begun the good work with my children in helping them understand that mistakes & accidents do happen. The fact that they happen is not earth shattering or horrible. They are a fact of life. No one is perfect. However, no excuse will ever take the place of taking ownership for your behaviors and committing to change so that the same issues do not repeat. It is about the choices we make once an issue occurs. Do we take paths that lead us back to poor behaviors? What do we take away as a learning experience? Do we understand the consequences to our behaviors?
It is never too late to incorporate Time Outs into your parental discipline routine! If your child is older, you may want to explain up front the changes that are going to occur when poor behavior rears it's head. You may need to sit with them at first to role model that you mean business! There are lots of ways to tweak your style of time outs. Some parents want their child to face the wall, some have the child stand vs. sit. Some allow the child to have a lovey object with them in the time out spot, others might flex on the timing one sits in time out.
Ahhh- silly are those parents who thought discipline was a simple as a swat on the butt...no way! That's the kind of discipline that leads to dysfunctional people! The swat on the butt is easy though... but (no pun intended) who said good parenting was easy? not me! Discipline is involved and it is intense! It is also perhaps the BEST thing you can do for your child, especially when done right.
If you haven't used the Time Out method and have additional questions after reading this, please email or fb message me! I'm only an expert on what works with my kids however, I can give lots of ideas & encouragement as your respond to your kid(s) behaviors!
Some have asked "what's your secret?" (If you are going to read any further you MUST believe that discipline is a good parenting tool and has it's place in how parents can teach their children to be responsible & accountable for their behaviors.) I usually reply saying that I use the "Super Nanny" method of Time Out because most parents know about Super Nanny. The funny thing is that once I tell people I use time out, they usually tune-out. I'm not exactly sure why? I can guess because they think it involves a lot of work, or they think this method won't work for them, or they are really thinking my kids only behave well because they were born that way! LOL. I think 2 people have asked me for specifics over the years. I've even offered to go to friends' homes to demonstrate- jokingly inviting kids to "Camp Christine." That is how much I believe in the discipline method called Time Out.
You can begin to incorporate Time Outs into your response to poor behaviors from your child as early as 12 Months (Age 1). I'll give you a few minutes to get over the shock. Whether baby can walk or crawl, at age 1 your baby will start to engage in behaviors that are unwanted such as "screaming." Ok, sure, baby is trying out their newly discovered vocal cords as language development is really taking off at this age. BUT that doesn't mean baby should rule the house & wake the neighbors with her shrieks & screams! Its not acceptable. Here is what you do:
1. Baby Screams in the house.
2. Verbally go to baby, get down to baby's level and say calm & assertively "No screaming. We do not scream in the house."
3. Baby screams again (for example 5 minutes later). Repeat #2 and include. "If baby screams again, baby will go into the Time Out."
NOTE: The time out location should not be in their bedroom and should be in a discrete location/corner away from general play areas but not completely out of general sight.
You can show baby the "time out" location either now or prior to starting this regimen.
4. Baby screams again (for example 15 min later). Repeat #2 and include "Mommy said that if you screamed again, you will go in time out. You just screamed and that is a no-no." Take baby to time out location. "Because you screamed in the house, you will sit here for 1 minute. We do not scream in the house." Sit with baby, in the time out location for 1 minute- silently. After 1 minute, review why baby went into time out. Always say the following "Mommy loves you but Mommy does not love the screaming. Please do not scream again the house or you will keep going into time out." I always hug my child & tell him/her how much I love them.
Your 1 year old will likely look at you with a blank stare the whole time in the beginning. Just go through the motions. You will discover when it is an appropriate time for you to no longer sit beside them during time outs...and you will communicate to them that they are to sit their by themselves. This may not happen until age 2 and that's is okay! The rule of thumb is that they sit in the corner 1 minute for every year of life. It is good practice for when their understanding really sinks in...and the repetition with the child at this age will actually make it easier for them later because they will know the routine, know what is expected of them, and know that you are holding them accountable. Children as young as age 1 are always testing boundaries. They look to their parents to learn right from wrong, to learn appropriate social norms, to be consistent in their lives, to be strong leaders.
Once you go through the steps above, it is up to you if you want to always give a three strikes then time out or if you start the day reminding them of acceptable behaviors and go immediately to time out when a slip up occurs. Your children WILL NOTICE when you slip up and fail to follow through. Discipline only works when there is consistency. If your spouse shares the disciplining, you may need to role play how to do "Time Outs." The child should have nearly the same experience every time. When discipline is predictable, it allows the child to actually focus on what the poor behavior is at hand.
As the baby gets older and comprehension expands, the Time Out experience can include a comprehension check where you ask "do you understand why Mommy put you in a time out?" or "why did you throw the ball at your sister? how do you think that made her feel?" In addition to talking with your child about alternative behaviors that would be more appropriate such as "what could you have said to your sister instead of just taking the ball? what could you have done differently?" Be aware that ages 2 & 3 require a lot of reflecting of emotions in your conversations with the child in helping them understand why they behaved the way they did, such as "Were you mad at your Sister when you threw the ball?"
As soon as baby can speak then step 5 should be used to wrap up the time out. This is the step where the baby (now child) apologizes for their poor behavior/behavior choices. Do not let the apology slide! It is important that other children trust & respect your child and they will only do so when your child begins to recognize right from wrong. It is a humbling experience to apologize to someone but it is a good lesson all children should experience for it builds character!
Prior to being a parent, I was a supervisor of undergraduate college student Resident Assistants(RAs). I tried to create a very open, trust worthy, respectful relationship with my staff. Even though the RAs were usually the "cream of the crop" in terms of upstanding behaviors, a desire to follow the rules, etc... there were still instances when staff did not fulfill expectations. Along the way I've heard every excuse in the book! But the one phrase I longed to hear most was "It won't happen again." I have already begun the good work with my children in helping them understand that mistakes & accidents do happen. The fact that they happen is not earth shattering or horrible. They are a fact of life. No one is perfect. However, no excuse will ever take the place of taking ownership for your behaviors and committing to change so that the same issues do not repeat. It is about the choices we make once an issue occurs. Do we take paths that lead us back to poor behaviors? What do we take away as a learning experience? Do we understand the consequences to our behaviors?
It is never too late to incorporate Time Outs into your parental discipline routine! If your child is older, you may want to explain up front the changes that are going to occur when poor behavior rears it's head. You may need to sit with them at first to role model that you mean business! There are lots of ways to tweak your style of time outs. Some parents want their child to face the wall, some have the child stand vs. sit. Some allow the child to have a lovey object with them in the time out spot, others might flex on the timing one sits in time out.
Ahhh- silly are those parents who thought discipline was a simple as a swat on the butt...no way! That's the kind of discipline that leads to dysfunctional people! The swat on the butt is easy though... but (no pun intended) who said good parenting was easy? not me! Discipline is involved and it is intense! It is also perhaps the BEST thing you can do for your child, especially when done right.
If you haven't used the Time Out method and have additional questions after reading this, please email or fb message me! I'm only an expert on what works with my kids however, I can give lots of ideas & encouragement as your respond to your kid(s) behaviors!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I will always beleive you
In preparation for teaching Sunday school to preschoolers, I attended a workshop through my Church titled "Protecting God's Children." The topic was child abuse- physically, sexually, verbally, etc. As a parent of 2 young children it was impossible not to think about the "what ifs" should my own children find themselves as survivors of child abuse. It was heart wrenching and blood boiling to hear how sexual abuse (in particular) impacts a child in the immediate & throughout their lifetime. Child abuse is so pervasive.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
While sexual abuse is not completely preventable, it doesn't stop me from wishing every parent could attend a workshop similar to this. Just last week I was at a local park where a woman I did not know allowed me (a stranger) to pick up the child in her care on more than one occasion (I don't usually handle kids I do not know but this little guy wouldn't leave me alone). Granted, I "look" like a nice normal lady who was also watching kids at the park (and really I am!) but this lady doesn't know that! Her protective guard was completely off...almost as though she encouraged the child to come to me so I could pay him attention. It was weird!
Child abuse happens when our guards are down. It happens when we allow our children to be alone with adults (familiar or strange). It happens when we don't watch the signs from our children when behaviors change. It happens when we don't have open communication with our kids. It happens when we don't teach our kids about their bodies & appropriate touches. It happens when we don't empower our kids to say "no!" It happens when we don't research the programs our kids are involved in. It happens when we don't believe what our kids tell us.
A good parent recognizes how vulnerable their child is in our very adult world and does everything in their power to protect them. You can label me over protective, label me "type A," label me helicopter. If that label gives me peace of mind that my child is protected, bring.it.on!
Most nights at bed time, I spend a few minutes talking with each child in bed. Tonight I started on the road- which I've already been building the foundation of since birth- of keeping communication open between my oldest and me. It just so happened that today a boy in her class was "blowing air" at her (and another girl) during a movie they were watching. Both girls told the boy to stop but he did not. Eventually, my daughter just scooched forward/moved away from him. Talking about this incident opened the door to talking about unwanted behaviors in general & the kinds of action she can take in responding. At the end, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her this "I want you to know that you can tell Mommy anything. I will always believe you." There was a pause. My heart was filled with love. The tears began to well up in my eyes as the importance of what was just said sank in. And then my daughter said "Mommy, can I ask you something?" "What is it honey?" "Mommy, when are we ever going to go to a water park?" I squeezed her, told her "I love you" and left with a huge smile on my face. How do kids know just the right things to say at the right time?
Being a parent means bearing the realities of the world in which we live so that our children won't have to face them until just the right time. Being a parent means educating ourselves on how we can protect our children from harm, to teach them their options in responding to uncomfortable situations, and so on. I love that my child is still a child. I'm not ashamed to admit I want my kids to stay children forever! The serious stuff is just around the corner and while that is scary for me, I believe we took a solid step forward in our loving, supportive, nurturing, trusting relationship as Parent & Child.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Melted heart
Often my thoughts about parenting are driven by what my own children do and say. On any given day the kids will ask questions or make connections based on our experiences. No day is the same as another! More often than not I am taken off guard by the topics that are brought up. My oldest is now 6. While I do not have many memories of life before 3rd grade, I can hardly believe that I ever had the same kinds of conversations with my own parents as I do with my kids.
For example: Today my daughter asked innocently enough "Will I always live in this house?" My reply was "Probably not. Daddy & I won't even be living in this house forever!" To which I got a very concerned "but I want to live with you forever!"
Talk about making your heart melt! If only life worked out that way! Selfishly I would love to have my daughter close to me- my whole life. My husband on the other hand reminds me regularly "only 12 more years!" However, as the parent, I know better! I know what my daughter does not; that some day she won't want to hold my hand, that someday she won't want me to drop her off at school, that some day we may fight, that some day she will go off to college, that someday she will not live under my roof and/or not in the same state. When I tried to share a hint of this perspective with her, her reply was "No I won't!" Again, melted heart.
Every parent/child will eventually face the above mentioned inevitabilities. My goals will be to try my darnedest to postpone them! Today while I was holding hands with my daughter I specifically took a moment and told her "I love you" as we walked to the car. I've already agreed to let her ride the bus once she & her brother are full time students. I'm secretly hoping the next 2 years will cause her to rethink the excitement of being a bus-rider! We have had our fights...mostly when she pushes Mommy's buttons. However, I believe we have both already mastered the art of apologizing AND understand that we will always love the person but we don't have to always like the behavior. As for college...the truth is she won't be able to get rid of me! I can laugh about it now but as a former Student Services administrator in Higher Ed- I know too much about college life! The good and the bad about living on campus! Lastly, as I see it, I have 12years to convince my husband of how important it is to remain close (in proximity & relationship) to our family!
I think my daughter is onto something...what is really so bad about living as a family (and extended family as my kids eventually create their own) for the rest of our lives? Why does family planning end at age 18 just because the law says that is the age of adulthood? I'm not saying roles won't need to change, living space be redesigned, and so on...but it is an interesting thought. Sometimes the answers come from our children. Some of the answers may come from past cultural practices. Some come from what we each want out of life overall.
I didn't have kids so I can kick them out of the house. It pleases me to no end to hear my own child proclaim that she never wants to leave me! We've created a warm, positive, learning environment for our children. They feel loved and they want to feel that way forever. Well, guess what? So do I! Thinking about the idea of living in close proximity to my kids forever actually relieves some of the anxieties associated with all the mile stones that lead to the kids' independence; starting school full time, going away to camp, getting their first job, having the their first love, and so on. Bonus!
While I still plan to share with my kids the "realities" that I faced when the ask various questions, I also plan to consider their point of view. I want them to learn on their own and yet I want them to have a heads up. I don't want to smash their vision with my experiences. I want to be open to changing my own vision especially if that means considering non-traditional options. None of us knows what the future holds. Today though, we can create & shape environments for them to ask questions, we can listen to our kids, talk with them, share a bit about ourselves, love each other, and be grateful if they want to spend tomorrow with you too! No better way to melt the good parent's heart!
For example: Today my daughter asked innocently enough "Will I always live in this house?" My reply was "Probably not. Daddy & I won't even be living in this house forever!" To which I got a very concerned "but I want to live with you forever!"
Talk about making your heart melt! If only life worked out that way! Selfishly I would love to have my daughter close to me- my whole life. My husband on the other hand reminds me regularly "only 12 more years!" However, as the parent, I know better! I know what my daughter does not; that some day she won't want to hold my hand, that someday she won't want me to drop her off at school, that some day we may fight, that some day she will go off to college, that someday she will not live under my roof and/or not in the same state. When I tried to share a hint of this perspective with her, her reply was "No I won't!" Again, melted heart.
Every parent/child will eventually face the above mentioned inevitabilities. My goals will be to try my darnedest to postpone them! Today while I was holding hands with my daughter I specifically took a moment and told her "I love you" as we walked to the car. I've already agreed to let her ride the bus once she & her brother are full time students. I'm secretly hoping the next 2 years will cause her to rethink the excitement of being a bus-rider! We have had our fights...mostly when she pushes Mommy's buttons. However, I believe we have both already mastered the art of apologizing AND understand that we will always love the person but we don't have to always like the behavior. As for college...the truth is she won't be able to get rid of me! I can laugh about it now but as a former Student Services administrator in Higher Ed- I know too much about college life! The good and the bad about living on campus! Lastly, as I see it, I have 12years to convince my husband of how important it is to remain close (in proximity & relationship) to our family!
I think my daughter is onto something...what is really so bad about living as a family (and extended family as my kids eventually create their own) for the rest of our lives? Why does family planning end at age 18 just because the law says that is the age of adulthood? I'm not saying roles won't need to change, living space be redesigned, and so on...but it is an interesting thought. Sometimes the answers come from our children. Some of the answers may come from past cultural practices. Some come from what we each want out of life overall.
I didn't have kids so I can kick them out of the house. It pleases me to no end to hear my own child proclaim that she never wants to leave me! We've created a warm, positive, learning environment for our children. They feel loved and they want to feel that way forever. Well, guess what? So do I! Thinking about the idea of living in close proximity to my kids forever actually relieves some of the anxieties associated with all the mile stones that lead to the kids' independence; starting school full time, going away to camp, getting their first job, having the their first love, and so on. Bonus!
While I still plan to share with my kids the "realities" that I faced when the ask various questions, I also plan to consider their point of view. I want them to learn on their own and yet I want them to have a heads up. I don't want to smash their vision with my experiences. I want to be open to changing my own vision especially if that means considering non-traditional options. None of us knows what the future holds. Today though, we can create & shape environments for them to ask questions, we can listen to our kids, talk with them, share a bit about ourselves, love each other, and be grateful if they want to spend tomorrow with you too! No better way to melt the good parent's heart!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
spring break
I can't believe it's been so long since my last Good Parent post! Last week was Spring Break for our family and it was the perfect time for me to reflect on how much I enjoy spending time with the kids and how fleeting that time is as they become more and more immersed in school and individual activities. If I think about it too long I begin to tear up.
There are two reasons I have not blogged lately and the reasons are related. As of the new year I have begun to focus on my own health, specifically losing the baby weight gained from the pregnancies & lifestyle that followed as a stay at home Mom. Having a kitchen at my disposal 24-7 has it's perks and pitfalls! And I have been blogging about my weight loss journey- currently 12 weeks!
Embarking on my weight loss journey was largely made possible by the timing of where I'm at in my life and the age of the kids. From the day my kids were born I have had a strong belief that there wasn't anything that would take me away from them (on a daily basis) and that every hour, moment, was precious & fleeting. There was just no way I personally could justify spending time at a gym or exercising when I could be spending it with my kids. And by the time they were asleep for the night, I was too (because after all, I'm the one is up with them when they are up!). So I promised myself that once the kids were in school, that I would take that time- not to clean house or run a million errands- but to take that time to focus on my health. Thankfully I also had the support of my spouse!
For 11 weeks we've been in a routine of school & working out...until Spring Break hit. I had planned to focus on the kids and put my calorie counting ways behind me for the week. I didn't realize how much I needed both the break from my weight loss regime, but I also very much needed the quality time with the kids. Lots of reading, cuddling, swimming, going places, cooking together, and so on. Thinking back on it is making me excited for summer! I am so glad we didn't "go anywhere" or have a set schedule. We "slept" in, had pajama day, had a dance party, stayed up late with friends. Spring Break was pretty darn great! I am pretty sure the kids had fun and I'm pretty sure they do not realize how much their Mom needed this time with them. I didn't need a beach with a cocktail to recharge...I needed my kids. I definitely have my parenting mo-jo back and it is helping me keep motivated as I near the end of my weight loss goals.
As a parent, make every moment with your kids count...and as soon as you can, make time for yourself, your own health (mental, physical or other). They don't need to be mutually exclusive and you may just find that in fact the quality of each depends on the other.
There are two reasons I have not blogged lately and the reasons are related. As of the new year I have begun to focus on my own health, specifically losing the baby weight gained from the pregnancies & lifestyle that followed as a stay at home Mom. Having a kitchen at my disposal 24-7 has it's perks and pitfalls! And I have been blogging about my weight loss journey- currently 12 weeks!
Embarking on my weight loss journey was largely made possible by the timing of where I'm at in my life and the age of the kids. From the day my kids were born I have had a strong belief that there wasn't anything that would take me away from them (on a daily basis) and that every hour, moment, was precious & fleeting. There was just no way I personally could justify spending time at a gym or exercising when I could be spending it with my kids. And by the time they were asleep for the night, I was too (because after all, I'm the one is up with them when they are up!). So I promised myself that once the kids were in school, that I would take that time- not to clean house or run a million errands- but to take that time to focus on my health. Thankfully I also had the support of my spouse!
For 11 weeks we've been in a routine of school & working out...until Spring Break hit. I had planned to focus on the kids and put my calorie counting ways behind me for the week. I didn't realize how much I needed both the break from my weight loss regime, but I also very much needed the quality time with the kids. Lots of reading, cuddling, swimming, going places, cooking together, and so on. Thinking back on it is making me excited for summer! I am so glad we didn't "go anywhere" or have a set schedule. We "slept" in, had pajama day, had a dance party, stayed up late with friends. Spring Break was pretty darn great! I am pretty sure the kids had fun and I'm pretty sure they do not realize how much their Mom needed this time with them. I didn't need a beach with a cocktail to recharge...I needed my kids. I definitely have my parenting mo-jo back and it is helping me keep motivated as I near the end of my weight loss goals.
As a parent, make every moment with your kids count...and as soon as you can, make time for yourself, your own health (mental, physical or other). They don't need to be mutually exclusive and you may just find that in fact the quality of each depends on the other.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Children are a gift
February 14th...Valentines day. A day to cherish the ones you love. Also, 2 months since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in CT which resulted in the deaths of 26 individuals, 20 of which were children.
I remember very vividly my thoughts as I headed up to bed on December 13, 2012...It was peaceful, I was the last one to bed and as I turned the TV off, proceeded to clean up & make sure the house was locked tight for the night, I thought to myself "all is right in the world." And I gave thanks to God in that moment. In my little corner of the world, all was right. This is very possible the same thought some Newtown parents had before they went to bed that night too. Shortly after dropping my daughter off at school the next morning and going about my business I finally sat down for lunch & to watch the news. News that has saddened me to my core ever since. I am so sad for those that died, the families involved, the responders who witnessed the aftermath and the entire Newtown community. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not find myself thinking about them all, praying for them. Many times, several times a day. And while I wonder if that is normal for someone like me who was not directly impacted to be reacting this way...at the same time I am completely dumbfounded that my community of Moms aren't talking about it! (or at least not in the circles I've been in-obviously me included). Sure the news has talked about it (though waning) and the politicians are talking about it (as it serves their agendas)...but us Parents...why aren't we? I am certain that as individuals we are finding ways to understand how such tragedies can occur, perhaps participating in raising money for families impacted, or though on-line support communities. But Parents aren't talking with the schools about it, not with law enforcement, nor in community forums, not at all. Again, unless I'm seriously out of the loop and missed the memo's?
Let me back up a minute. I have always been someone who tries to live fully in the moment. To be fully present in all that I do...and purposeful. With my children it is no different. Combine that with my now extra heightened, sensitive, anxiety-if-you-will, that literally anything can happen to me/husband or my kids such that our worlds can be shaken to their core should one or more family members die. As if my kids didn't already have me wrapped around their fingers...they sure do now & they have no idea! So when my daughter & son announced it was "kids day" last week and wanted to bake a cake. Time for us stopped (yes, it really did) and we did just that. We celebrated kids. Secretly I celebrated the lives of the 20 kids who died, while also giving thanks for the 2 who have blessed my life beyond words. Kids day. Children are gifts to us each and every day and should be celebrated!
But now I am left with the challenging task of living to make every moment count but also experiencing the day to day regular issues that come along with parenting (having to say "no" when I want to say "yes"...raising my voice to show I'm serious when I really just want to make them laugh...putting off an activity til tomorrow but wondering if tomorrow will really be there, those kinds of things). And how do I have conversations with my kids about "what to do" if they hear gun fire (at the store, at school, at home, or the movie theatre)...do I teach them duck n cover at ages 3 & 5? These are the kinds of things I hoped parents would be talking about with each other, along with just general "healing" in terms of understanding what happens when a parent loses a child. While I hope to never experience such a loss, learning about others experiences makes me a better person and hopefully a better parent. Maybe we aren't openly talking about these things because they are so close to our hearts....and all of our hearts that are so wounded by these tragic events? Maybe we don't know where to start to have these conversations?
If anyone wants to talk...You can start here.
I remember very vividly my thoughts as I headed up to bed on December 13, 2012...It was peaceful, I was the last one to bed and as I turned the TV off, proceeded to clean up & make sure the house was locked tight for the night, I thought to myself "all is right in the world." And I gave thanks to God in that moment. In my little corner of the world, all was right. This is very possible the same thought some Newtown parents had before they went to bed that night too. Shortly after dropping my daughter off at school the next morning and going about my business I finally sat down for lunch & to watch the news. News that has saddened me to my core ever since. I am so sad for those that died, the families involved, the responders who witnessed the aftermath and the entire Newtown community. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not find myself thinking about them all, praying for them. Many times, several times a day. And while I wonder if that is normal for someone like me who was not directly impacted to be reacting this way...at the same time I am completely dumbfounded that my community of Moms aren't talking about it! (or at least not in the circles I've been in-obviously me included). Sure the news has talked about it (though waning) and the politicians are talking about it (as it serves their agendas)...but us Parents...why aren't we? I am certain that as individuals we are finding ways to understand how such tragedies can occur, perhaps participating in raising money for families impacted, or though on-line support communities. But Parents aren't talking with the schools about it, not with law enforcement, nor in community forums, not at all. Again, unless I'm seriously out of the loop and missed the memo's?
Let me back up a minute. I have always been someone who tries to live fully in the moment. To be fully present in all that I do...and purposeful. With my children it is no different. Combine that with my now extra heightened, sensitive, anxiety-if-you-will, that literally anything can happen to me/husband or my kids such that our worlds can be shaken to their core should one or more family members die. As if my kids didn't already have me wrapped around their fingers...they sure do now & they have no idea! So when my daughter & son announced it was "kids day" last week and wanted to bake a cake. Time for us stopped (yes, it really did) and we did just that. We celebrated kids. Secretly I celebrated the lives of the 20 kids who died, while also giving thanks for the 2 who have blessed my life beyond words. Kids day. Children are gifts to us each and every day and should be celebrated!
But now I am left with the challenging task of living to make every moment count but also experiencing the day to day regular issues that come along with parenting (having to say "no" when I want to say "yes"...raising my voice to show I'm serious when I really just want to make them laugh...putting off an activity til tomorrow but wondering if tomorrow will really be there, those kinds of things). And how do I have conversations with my kids about "what to do" if they hear gun fire (at the store, at school, at home, or the movie theatre)...do I teach them duck n cover at ages 3 & 5? These are the kinds of things I hoped parents would be talking about with each other, along with just general "healing" in terms of understanding what happens when a parent loses a child. While I hope to never experience such a loss, learning about others experiences makes me a better person and hopefully a better parent. Maybe we aren't openly talking about these things because they are so close to our hearts....and all of our hearts that are so wounded by these tragic events? Maybe we don't know where to start to have these conversations?
If anyone wants to talk...You can start here.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Newborncare.com
Last week I opened my email to find a message from the marketing coordinator of a website called www.newborncare.com. Having stumbled upon my blog on parenting she suggested that my readers may be interested in the topics on their site. I took a few minutes to review the site and I agree! Especially since two of my friends just had babies this week (congrats to Julie & Becca), the information on www.newborncare.com is very practical, not too anecdotal, but helpful in terms of resources, how-to, and general support for welcoming a newborn into your life.
Its been quite a while since I've had a newborn and I haven't blogged much about the experiences I had early on-mostly because those early years seem more like survival vs. parenting. However, the marketing coordinator suggested I share a link to their latest topic which was about choosing Godparents for your newborn. If you're a new parent the article is definitely worth reading. If you aren't a new parent but you have struggled with making a decision regarding Godparents then it's also a good read. Or if you just want to see other perspectives on choosing Godparents, read it too! The irony for me is that this is a topic that I purposely avoided blogging about because "even when you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart" people's feelings may get hurt if they aren't chosen as Godparents and that is that!
For us (husband and me) choosing Godparents had everything to do with the essence of a Godparent which is to be a role model in the religious tradition in which we are choosing to raise our children. So this meant choosing people who are currently practicing Catholics. When our first child was born, we chose my husband's sister & brother-in-law as Godparents. It was a win-win that they not only were immediate family but also current practicing Catholics. Things got a little more complicated (for others) when we had our second child. My husband didn't have any more siblings and my only sibling & brother-in-law are not Catholic. So we looked to our closest friends, of whom my husband is the God Father of one of their daugthers. They were the next perfect choice as Godparents for our son. To us it was still a win-win because in many ways our friends are as close as our siblings.
It did not matter how many times I explained how we viewed the role/purpose of a Godparent. My sister thought she should have been a Godparent no matter what. Since she knows other "Catholics" who have chosen non-Catholics to be Godparents, I should have done the same. I should have compromised my values so that she could have a special title. Nothing I could have done or said on my end was going to change her opinion. As if being an Aunt isn't good enough.
So just know that even if you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart, you still may end up hurting someone else's feelings or feeling disrespected as a result. Some parts of parenting aren't easy. This can be one of them. It is important though that you are firm in your beliefs. Some day I'll explain to the kids why their Godparents are who they are. My folks picked their best friends at the time...people who weren't actively religious (neither were my parents) and people whom when their friendship faded, so did the relationship of Godparent to God Daugther. Being a good parent means you do your best...and think about how & why you are making choices on behalf of your kid(s)...not just at the time and hope it all works out. In our case, I feel certain we chose the right Godparents in both instances for the right reasons but sad that our parenting choice wasn't fully supported.
Its been quite a while since I've had a newborn and I haven't blogged much about the experiences I had early on-mostly because those early years seem more like survival vs. parenting. However, the marketing coordinator suggested I share a link to their latest topic which was about choosing Godparents for your newborn. If you're a new parent the article is definitely worth reading. If you aren't a new parent but you have struggled with making a decision regarding Godparents then it's also a good read. Or if you just want to see other perspectives on choosing Godparents, read it too! The irony for me is that this is a topic that I purposely avoided blogging about because "even when you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart" people's feelings may get hurt if they aren't chosen as Godparents and that is that!
For us (husband and me) choosing Godparents had everything to do with the essence of a Godparent which is to be a role model in the religious tradition in which we are choosing to raise our children. So this meant choosing people who are currently practicing Catholics. When our first child was born, we chose my husband's sister & brother-in-law as Godparents. It was a win-win that they not only were immediate family but also current practicing Catholics. Things got a little more complicated (for others) when we had our second child. My husband didn't have any more siblings and my only sibling & brother-in-law are not Catholic. So we looked to our closest friends, of whom my husband is the God Father of one of their daugthers. They were the next perfect choice as Godparents for our son. To us it was still a win-win because in many ways our friends are as close as our siblings.
It did not matter how many times I explained how we viewed the role/purpose of a Godparent. My sister thought she should have been a Godparent no matter what. Since she knows other "Catholics" who have chosen non-Catholics to be Godparents, I should have done the same. I should have compromised my values so that she could have a special title. Nothing I could have done or said on my end was going to change her opinion. As if being an Aunt isn't good enough.
So just know that even if you follow all the advice in the world and follow your heart, you still may end up hurting someone else's feelings or feeling disrespected as a result. Some parts of parenting aren't easy. This can be one of them. It is important though that you are firm in your beliefs. Some day I'll explain to the kids why their Godparents are who they are. My folks picked their best friends at the time...people who weren't actively religious (neither were my parents) and people whom when their friendship faded, so did the relationship of Godparent to God Daugther. Being a good parent means you do your best...and think about how & why you are making choices on behalf of your kid(s)...not just at the time and hope it all works out. In our case, I feel certain we chose the right Godparents in both instances for the right reasons but sad that our parenting choice wasn't fully supported.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Year to be a Better Parent
With each year that passes, reality of parenting challenges sinks deeper and deeper and deeper. The reality that my kids are getting old enough to understand, to mimic, and to ask the really hard questions. We don't use curse words in our home but if we did, our kids would be well versed in that vocabulary by their ages (3 & 5)! A little note to self for you newer parents. Just last month a friend's daughter (age 5) got in trouble in her kindergarten class for blurting out a swear word. If you ever thought you had a bad habit you needed to drop....I'd work on dropping it ASAP! Seriously! In our home I've noticed the kids vocal volume increase as they argue. Hmmmm, wonder where they get that from? Yeah, guilty. The funny thing is, we also don't do a lot of yelling in our home. Don't get me wrong...voices get raised. And while no excuse is justifiable, you'll likely recognize the situations in which "yelling" occurs: when I attempt to get their attention because the kids are arguing, when someone does something outrageously bad like whack the other on the head with something that could have caused permanent serious damage, when both kids have literally pushed me to the edge all day & I snap. Some of that may sound vaguely familiar to some of you parents. Or maybe its just me? It doesn't happen every day, rarely once a week. However, it does happen.
I've said it from the beginning, I'm not a perfect parent. But it's a new year and with that I'm seizing the time to refocus, reflect, and work on those areas I KNOW I can do better.
My daughter for example is already a classic combination of her Dad and me. She has somehow managed to tune out people when they call her name....oh, just like her Dad! In return, she also randomly gives side commentaries (often unsolicited)....hmmm....much like her Mother. By the age of 5 they have picked up on all sorts of nuances! Its a little scary when you start seeing your child engage in the very behaviors you DO and worse yet that you definitely DO NOT want them to be doing! I am so not ready for the teenage years! Hear me out though. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I can tweak my parenting, tweak my responses to how I communicate with my kids, how I interact with them & my husband...in essence, work on improving myself. Perhaps then more of the "good" will rub off :) I'm going to work on doing more listening, more reflecting of feelings when my kids express theirs, work on not raising my voice but looking them in the eye & speaking with respect, more involving them in responsibilities to channel their energies, and more cuddling. That last one I just threw in there because.... well, they are 3 & 5...there aren't many more years they'll tolerate Mommy smothering them w hugs n kisses! Here's to having a "Good" parenting year!
I've said it from the beginning, I'm not a perfect parent. But it's a new year and with that I'm seizing the time to refocus, reflect, and work on those areas I KNOW I can do better.
My daughter for example is already a classic combination of her Dad and me. She has somehow managed to tune out people when they call her name....oh, just like her Dad! In return, she also randomly gives side commentaries (often unsolicited)....hmmm....much like her Mother. By the age of 5 they have picked up on all sorts of nuances! Its a little scary when you start seeing your child engage in the very behaviors you DO and worse yet that you definitely DO NOT want them to be doing! I am so not ready for the teenage years! Hear me out though. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I can tweak my parenting, tweak my responses to how I communicate with my kids, how I interact with them & my husband...in essence, work on improving myself. Perhaps then more of the "good" will rub off :) I'm going to work on doing more listening, more reflecting of feelings when my kids express theirs, work on not raising my voice but looking them in the eye & speaking with respect, more involving them in responsibilities to channel their energies, and more cuddling. That last one I just threw in there because.... well, they are 3 & 5...there aren't many more years they'll tolerate Mommy smothering them w hugs n kisses! Here's to having a "Good" parenting year!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Prepping
You may have heard a little bit about the concept of "prepping" over the past couple months. Whether from the recent History Channel show "Preppers" or on the news ever since Hurricane Sandy and the "end of the world" this past December. Its been a popular topic and still a bit taboo. If you're a real prepper you're not really suppose to be talking about your prepping because heaven forbid if disaster ends up happening to you, your neighbor may try to get in on your stash! Plus, if you do talk about it...people might begin to think you are a little coo-coo! But I'm talking about it! There is a greater cause to talking about it than the risk of the world knowing that yes in fact, my family and I do partake in preparing for an array of disasters. In all honestly, I think its our responsibility as parents TO PREPARE ourselves and our families for as many life scenarios as possible. I am sure that many other responsible parents have an 8 month financial emergency fund in case someone loses their job. That doesn't sound too crazy? And I'm sure others of you make sure you have updated batteries in your flashlights, smoke detectors, or own generators, emergency radios, or have actually drilled with your family a meeting spot "in case" something happens like a home fire. Prepping for other disasters such as tornadoes or long term electrical grid outings is not that far fetched...not these days anyways! Ok, ok, ok, there are some more extreme versions of prepping...that kind of sensation makes TV worth watching! What I'm advising is that a good parent will assess & determine what kinds of disasters are possible where they live, what is realistic? And then begin researching & preparing for your family's well-being should such an event occur. We CAN learn from the past...we are a brilliant & resilient species...though more often than not, our mind gets the better of our instincts, and we say "It won't happen to me."
So you may be wondering "where to start" in terms of your prepping? If you aren't wondering this then no need to continue reading! lol... One site I found helpful is the Ohio Preppers Network ohio.preppersnetwork.net. There is a forum board where lots and lots of people have posted questions and you can read the responses. Topics from gardening to HAM radios. It is interesting to see what people are up to if nothing else! Ok, maybe it's just interesting to me! lol! Another place to start is to think about the basics...food, water, shelter, access to information if you are cut off from it, and protection from danger. For example, food can be handled a bunch of different ways...there is gardening (season dependent), canning, hunting, eating whatever you have non-perishable in your cupboard, MREs, or other prepared meals. Once you determine your preferred method(s) then you can make arrangements accordingly. For water it is actually not recommended that you rely solely on bottled water. It is good if the situation is short term, however, long term you may consider investing in a water purification system and know the location of a nearby water source. And so on... The extent to which one preps is up to them & their family, however, I do think it is important to be prepared to the best of ones abilities.
Like any parent, I don't look forward to telling my kids that bad things happen or that things happen beyond our control that may or may not impact us directly. As a good parent, I know that it is important that I do what I can to keep my family safe & alive during short term, realistic crisis. My philosophy is that if something huge happens, there is little I can do to prepare...I'll either survive or not (luck of the draw). But there are many other situations that ARE possible in which survival is
IS do-able IF prepared.
As a new year dawns on us once again....take stock of your blessings and consider prepping to keep them.
So you may be wondering "where to start" in terms of your prepping? If you aren't wondering this then no need to continue reading! lol... One site I found helpful is the Ohio Preppers Network ohio.preppersnetwork.net. There is a forum board where lots and lots of people have posted questions and you can read the responses. Topics from gardening to HAM radios. It is interesting to see what people are up to if nothing else! Ok, maybe it's just interesting to me! lol! Another place to start is to think about the basics...food, water, shelter, access to information if you are cut off from it, and protection from danger. For example, food can be handled a bunch of different ways...there is gardening (season dependent), canning, hunting, eating whatever you have non-perishable in your cupboard, MREs, or other prepared meals. Once you determine your preferred method(s) then you can make arrangements accordingly. For water it is actually not recommended that you rely solely on bottled water. It is good if the situation is short term, however, long term you may consider investing in a water purification system and know the location of a nearby water source. And so on... The extent to which one preps is up to them & their family, however, I do think it is important to be prepared to the best of ones abilities.
Like any parent, I don't look forward to telling my kids that bad things happen or that things happen beyond our control that may or may not impact us directly. As a good parent, I know that it is important that I do what I can to keep my family safe & alive during short term, realistic crisis. My philosophy is that if something huge happens, there is little I can do to prepare...I'll either survive or not (luck of the draw). But there are many other situations that ARE possible in which survival is
IS do-able IF prepared.
As a new year dawns on us once again....take stock of your blessings and consider prepping to keep them.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Elf on the Shelf
Whether it's the day after Thanksgiving or the first day of December, parents all over who celebrate Christmas have embarked on the nightly trickery of Elf on the Shelf. Over the past few years this family tradition has really made a comeback. Comeback? Why yes! As a child, my sister and I had Elves on the shelves (without the fancy book though...and without the creative ideas found on pinterest). My sister and I each had our own elf. One was green & one was red and we switched who got which one each year. To my recollection, we were the only people who participated in this activity...but I don't really know because I never asked my friends. It was just something that happen each year during the Christmas season, it was normal to us.
And so, when I had my first child, my Mom gave me "my elf." Of all the things she kept from our childhood after all these years (and if you know my Mom, she is a minimalist who doesn't keep anything!!)...she kept the elves. She IS sentimental!! LOL. How cool it was to embark on this tradition with my own kids! When I had my second child I had to figure out how to get another elf. Lucky for me, that is when the Elf on the Shelf book gained popularity.
You may be wondering the names of our elves... Treasure and Jingle Bell. The kids are not at that age yet where they are claiming one elf over the other as their own. They just embraced that the elves are part of our extended family during the Christmas season and enjoy seeking them out each morning, talking to them throughout the day, and saying good night at bed time. While I usually start this tradition on December 1st, this year another friend of mine mentioned she starts it the day after Thanksgiving. Hmmm, I thought...when are the elves suppose to arrive? I looked through the book and it doesn't state when the elf appears on the shelf. Only that it happens at holiday time (with a picture of the Elf on the dinner table...a dinner table that looks a lot like a Thanksgiving meal.) Hmmm, I thought again. So this year the elves showed up the day after Thanksgiving. What was I thinking?? That means a whole extra week of hiding & planning & trying not to forget to move those elves around! It was so much more fun being on the "seeking" end of this activity than on the "hiding" end. But alas...this wouldn't be a post in the Good Parent if I didn't think that this activity was completely worth the parental efforts!
If you ever wonder where the magic of Christmas has gone...look no further than a child who has an Elf on the Shelf. My kids completely believe that these special elves are Santa's helpers, that they look after baby Jesus, that they keep an eye on the kids during the day, and that each night they report on the days events only to return to our home in some random spot/ position. So far this season the elves have been caught hugging our Santa statue, reading books, watching baby Jesus in the manger, trapped in a clear vase, on the tree, in the stockings, riding on Colin's cars and tonight I'm going to have them eating Mommy's cookies that she's been baking all day! The excitement from the kids fuels my excitement to keep the tradition going for them! I over hear the kids talking to or about the elves with pure wonder & giddiness...it is so cute!
I don't remember being crushed when I found out that the elves weren't 'real'...maybe because I had been feeling the spirit of Christmas for so many years with the help of the elves that I no longer needed them to be a reminder? If this tradition can instill a lasting sense of wonder & a love of the Christmas season then I'll be thrilled with that. Even more so...I'll be thrilled if they continue the tradition with their families and the opportunity to see my Grand kids squeal with delight as they discover their Elf on the Shelf for the first time!
And so, when I had my first child, my Mom gave me "my elf." Of all the things she kept from our childhood after all these years (and if you know my Mom, she is a minimalist who doesn't keep anything!!)...she kept the elves. She IS sentimental!! LOL. How cool it was to embark on this tradition with my own kids! When I had my second child I had to figure out how to get another elf. Lucky for me, that is when the Elf on the Shelf book gained popularity.
You may be wondering the names of our elves... Treasure and Jingle Bell. The kids are not at that age yet where they are claiming one elf over the other as their own. They just embraced that the elves are part of our extended family during the Christmas season and enjoy seeking them out each morning, talking to them throughout the day, and saying good night at bed time. While I usually start this tradition on December 1st, this year another friend of mine mentioned she starts it the day after Thanksgiving. Hmmm, I thought...when are the elves suppose to arrive? I looked through the book and it doesn't state when the elf appears on the shelf. Only that it happens at holiday time (with a picture of the Elf on the dinner table...a dinner table that looks a lot like a Thanksgiving meal.) Hmmm, I thought again. So this year the elves showed up the day after Thanksgiving. What was I thinking?? That means a whole extra week of hiding & planning & trying not to forget to move those elves around! It was so much more fun being on the "seeking" end of this activity than on the "hiding" end. But alas...this wouldn't be a post in the Good Parent if I didn't think that this activity was completely worth the parental efforts!
If you ever wonder where the magic of Christmas has gone...look no further than a child who has an Elf on the Shelf. My kids completely believe that these special elves are Santa's helpers, that they look after baby Jesus, that they keep an eye on the kids during the day, and that each night they report on the days events only to return to our home in some random spot/ position. So far this season the elves have been caught hugging our Santa statue, reading books, watching baby Jesus in the manger, trapped in a clear vase, on the tree, in the stockings, riding on Colin's cars and tonight I'm going to have them eating Mommy's cookies that she's been baking all day! The excitement from the kids fuels my excitement to keep the tradition going for them! I over hear the kids talking to or about the elves with pure wonder & giddiness...it is so cute!
I don't remember being crushed when I found out that the elves weren't 'real'...maybe because I had been feeling the spirit of Christmas for so many years with the help of the elves that I no longer needed them to be a reminder? If this tradition can instill a lasting sense of wonder & a love of the Christmas season then I'll be thrilled with that. Even more so...I'll be thrilled if they continue the tradition with their families and the opportunity to see my Grand kids squeal with delight as they discover their Elf on the Shelf for the first time!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
A Parent's Burden
Every once in awhile my mind wanders to deeper parenting concerns...sometimes sparked by a news story, or a recent dream, or just reflecting on my & my children's lives.
I can hardly write about this topic without my tears welling up and a lump in my throat but the truth is, I pray to God that I do not pass away before my children have an opportunity to grow up.
My heart knows that children are very resilient. My heart also knows that the bond & love between children & their Parent is so powerful & influential to the health of their whole being. The loss of which can not be recovered.
Every time I get in the car I think about being a safe driver because "heaven forbid" an accident happens...I do my best to address health issues when they arise...and every time I am away from the kids I take precautions to be safe...I purposely do not engage in behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous because I want to maximize the time I'll be present in my kids' lives. As if I have complete control over any of this? Don't get me wrong, being a Good Parent is NOT directly proportional to the amount of time a parent spends on Earth. With that said, if I'm not here, I can't be the Good Parent that I so desire for my kids!
Every parent-child relationship is different. I suppose if you are a Parent who is not terribly involved in your child's upbringing or day to day life then you may not feel as concerned about whether you in particular were or were not in your child's life especially while they are still young. In my situation, I have been the primary caregiver from birth...being the parent who feeds, bathes, plays with, teaches, disciplines, cuddles, and meets every need & want of the child from birth. Literally inseparable with the exception of a date night with Daddy here & there and now the enrollment in school.
My kids lives would be majorly disrupted if I were to perish. There is no one else they want in this stage in their lives but me. Daddy is a close second but his style, knowledge, & parenting abilities are so different than Mom's (mine) mostly because he is hard at work outside the home. When I think about this I can't help but wonder if I am setting them up for failure. Being the main person who cares for them can actually be a detriment. Because of this, I feel overwhelmed at times...just heart broken...at the idea that my kids could lose their Mother.
I've heard parents say that they are suppose to "go first" in terms of dying before their kids do. And while I know I can't live forever, I wish I could take on the burden of loss they will feel when my time comes. I wish I could know how their life would be...or what I can do now to help prepare them (without being depressing) for life without me. We have a Will so I feel secure in terms of their financial future and that part is comforting (actually, it was a freeing experience to complete a Will and EVERY parent should complete one ASAP). However, I worry about how to continue to communicate to them how much they are loved. I worry about who is going to share with them all of the stories that their Mom has in store for them at various stages of their lives? Who is going to show the same amount of attention, investment, enthusiasm, and sense of being fully present in their lives, like their Mom does? Who is going to hug, kiss, tickle, listen, & challenge just the right amount in the right places at the right times, like only their Mom senses as needed? I feel so connected with my kids...and I know they feel it in return. It would be unbearable to loose either of them but I'm older, I could handle it. They are young...and thus...what a burden I feel should anything happen. My spirit would not be able to rest.
And so in some respect, I will not rest until the kids are older or well on their way to being adults. As sad as it will be for those parenting ties to diminish over time...I will be relieved in terms of knowing that the ties were allowed to follow a natural progression without being terminated prematurely.
Tonight I say a special prayer for children (at any age) who have lost a parent. May God hold you in the palms of His hands, May your special Angel(s) always walk with you, and May you feel your parent's love in the world around you everyday for the rest of your life.
I can hardly write about this topic without my tears welling up and a lump in my throat but the truth is, I pray to God that I do not pass away before my children have an opportunity to grow up.
My heart knows that children are very resilient. My heart also knows that the bond & love between children & their Parent is so powerful & influential to the health of their whole being. The loss of which can not be recovered.
Every time I get in the car I think about being a safe driver because "heaven forbid" an accident happens...I do my best to address health issues when they arise...and every time I am away from the kids I take precautions to be safe...I purposely do not engage in behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous because I want to maximize the time I'll be present in my kids' lives. As if I have complete control over any of this? Don't get me wrong, being a Good Parent is NOT directly proportional to the amount of time a parent spends on Earth. With that said, if I'm not here, I can't be the Good Parent that I so desire for my kids!
Every parent-child relationship is different. I suppose if you are a Parent who is not terribly involved in your child's upbringing or day to day life then you may not feel as concerned about whether you in particular were or were not in your child's life especially while they are still young. In my situation, I have been the primary caregiver from birth...being the parent who feeds, bathes, plays with, teaches, disciplines, cuddles, and meets every need & want of the child from birth. Literally inseparable with the exception of a date night with Daddy here & there and now the enrollment in school.
My kids lives would be majorly disrupted if I were to perish. There is no one else they want in this stage in their lives but me. Daddy is a close second but his style, knowledge, & parenting abilities are so different than Mom's (mine) mostly because he is hard at work outside the home. When I think about this I can't help but wonder if I am setting them up for failure. Being the main person who cares for them can actually be a detriment. Because of this, I feel overwhelmed at times...just heart broken...at the idea that my kids could lose their Mother.
I've heard parents say that they are suppose to "go first" in terms of dying before their kids do. And while I know I can't live forever, I wish I could take on the burden of loss they will feel when my time comes. I wish I could know how their life would be...or what I can do now to help prepare them (without being depressing) for life without me. We have a Will so I feel secure in terms of their financial future and that part is comforting (actually, it was a freeing experience to complete a Will and EVERY parent should complete one ASAP). However, I worry about how to continue to communicate to them how much they are loved. I worry about who is going to share with them all of the stories that their Mom has in store for them at various stages of their lives? Who is going to show the same amount of attention, investment, enthusiasm, and sense of being fully present in their lives, like their Mom does? Who is going to hug, kiss, tickle, listen, & challenge just the right amount in the right places at the right times, like only their Mom senses as needed? I feel so connected with my kids...and I know they feel it in return. It would be unbearable to loose either of them but I'm older, I could handle it. They are young...and thus...what a burden I feel should anything happen. My spirit would not be able to rest.
And so in some respect, I will not rest until the kids are older or well on their way to being adults. As sad as it will be for those parenting ties to diminish over time...I will be relieved in terms of knowing that the ties were allowed to follow a natural progression without being terminated prematurely.
Tonight I say a special prayer for children (at any age) who have lost a parent. May God hold you in the palms of His hands, May your special Angel(s) always walk with you, and May you feel your parent's love in the world around you everyday for the rest of your life.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
You think you know? You have no idea
I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I think about how far or how little I've come in my understanding of how difficult it is to parent well. Every time I think I know...I find out that I have no idea.
Many friends know that my daughter has an intolerance to most dairy (which is not the same as an allergy). Her body and now taste buds have never been fond of large quantities of items with lactose in particular. At first this seemed annoying because so many initial "baby foods" were items like yogurt & cheese...and of course, all babies drink mass quantities of milk right? But the appropriate adjustments were made and life went on as usual. I remember thinking I could actually relate to other parents who's kids also had food "issues." Ha! So. Far. From. Their. Reality!
I have had the fortune (and I mean this because both are absolutely amazingly strong women) to know two Moms who have at least one child with severe food allergies. Even saying "food allergies" may be misleading as it can stem beyond that with actual medical diagnosis. Early on in my parenting career, I was introduced to a broader way of thinking in terms of making accommodations around foods offered at play dates, making sure my children did not share or throw food, and I learned to use an "epi pen." I also learned how important it is that children who have to battle food allergies are made to feel included, "normal," and just be a kid! So much of our lives revolve around food (duh, because its the fuel that makes us go!)...but parenting around food allergies is SO MUCH MORE than just providing 3 nutritious meals a day.
My advice to any parent regardless of if your child has food allergies or not...is to read some blogs of parents who's children do. One of the things that tugs at my heart is the fact that parents have to do so much "explaining" or "apologizing" to those of us parents who have the luxury to not have to think about what it is like to live day to day with food allergies. Remember, many food allergies are also life threatening. So while the child doesn't outwardly have a deadly illness...their life can be threatened in an instance...in the school cafeteria, on the playground, at a restaurant, from a friend's innocent kiss on the cheek. I. Can. Not. Imagine. Part of me doesn't want to imagine...which is likely the reason why I lack knowledge about all that goes into parenting a child who also has food allergies. It is not an easy road...made all that much more complicated by the very group who should be supportive (other parents).
There is a lot more for me to learn...what are some of the causes (if known) of various food allergies? Can kids outgrow allergies? Are some allergies related to each other? What are the signs of allergic reactions? What are common/uncommon ways that food allergens are transferred? What are state/govt laws regarding foods in schools? What limitations do kids with food allergies experience? What are the different kinds of medical conditions associated with food allergies? What resources are out there for parents of kids with food allergies? ...and this is just the beginning! It is almost a different world...only it's not. As I write this list of questions (likely the tip of the ice berg)...it is clear to me that I just have no idea.
If you think parenting in general is difficult...it is. Now, add to that parenting a child who also has food allergies...mega difficult. I don't know how you Moms do it? Please know that some of us are trying our best to support you, that you NEVER have to apologize for sharing information with us which will ultimately make us better parents & friends to you & your family, and that those of us who "have no idea" do appreciate the wealth of information based on experience that you share.
If you are one of those parents who are thinking "seriously, I'm so sick of hearing about how the rest of us need to change for a few"...then you need to get a life. If you've ever cared about another human being you would go to the moon & back for them. This is how a good parent feels about their kid(s). You will do whatever it takes to ensure they are happy, healthy, & safe. Ask yourself why you wouldn't want this for every one's children? Kids are so precious, resilient, smart, sensitive. And they are our future. Parenting well and being a good parent-friend to others means we LEARN from other parents daily struggles & triumphs...especially those who are raising a child with food allergies. Please take time to learn something new on this topic that you didn't know before.
Many friends know that my daughter has an intolerance to most dairy (which is not the same as an allergy). Her body and now taste buds have never been fond of large quantities of items with lactose in particular. At first this seemed annoying because so many initial "baby foods" were items like yogurt & cheese...and of course, all babies drink mass quantities of milk right? But the appropriate adjustments were made and life went on as usual. I remember thinking I could actually relate to other parents who's kids also had food "issues." Ha! So. Far. From. Their. Reality!
I have had the fortune (and I mean this because both are absolutely amazingly strong women) to know two Moms who have at least one child with severe food allergies. Even saying "food allergies" may be misleading as it can stem beyond that with actual medical diagnosis. Early on in my parenting career, I was introduced to a broader way of thinking in terms of making accommodations around foods offered at play dates, making sure my children did not share or throw food, and I learned to use an "epi pen." I also learned how important it is that children who have to battle food allergies are made to feel included, "normal," and just be a kid! So much of our lives revolve around food (duh, because its the fuel that makes us go!)...but parenting around food allergies is SO MUCH MORE than just providing 3 nutritious meals a day.
My advice to any parent regardless of if your child has food allergies or not...is to read some blogs of parents who's children do. One of the things that tugs at my heart is the fact that parents have to do so much "explaining" or "apologizing" to those of us parents who have the luxury to not have to think about what it is like to live day to day with food allergies. Remember, many food allergies are also life threatening. So while the child doesn't outwardly have a deadly illness...their life can be threatened in an instance...in the school cafeteria, on the playground, at a restaurant, from a friend's innocent kiss on the cheek. I. Can. Not. Imagine. Part of me doesn't want to imagine...which is likely the reason why I lack knowledge about all that goes into parenting a child who also has food allergies. It is not an easy road...made all that much more complicated by the very group who should be supportive (other parents).
There is a lot more for me to learn...what are some of the causes (if known) of various food allergies? Can kids outgrow allergies? Are some allergies related to each other? What are the signs of allergic reactions? What are common/uncommon ways that food allergens are transferred? What are state/govt laws regarding foods in schools? What limitations do kids with food allergies experience? What are the different kinds of medical conditions associated with food allergies? What resources are out there for parents of kids with food allergies? ...and this is just the beginning! It is almost a different world...only it's not. As I write this list of questions (likely the tip of the ice berg)...it is clear to me that I just have no idea.
If you think parenting in general is difficult...it is. Now, add to that parenting a child who also has food allergies...mega difficult. I don't know how you Moms do it? Please know that some of us are trying our best to support you, that you NEVER have to apologize for sharing information with us which will ultimately make us better parents & friends to you & your family, and that those of us who "have no idea" do appreciate the wealth of information based on experience that you share.
If you are one of those parents who are thinking "seriously, I'm so sick of hearing about how the rest of us need to change for a few"...then you need to get a life. If you've ever cared about another human being you would go to the moon & back for them. This is how a good parent feels about their kid(s). You will do whatever it takes to ensure they are happy, healthy, & safe. Ask yourself why you wouldn't want this for every one's children? Kids are so precious, resilient, smart, sensitive. And they are our future. Parenting well and being a good parent-friend to others means we LEARN from other parents daily struggles & triumphs...especially those who are raising a child with food allergies. Please take time to learn something new on this topic that you didn't know before.
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