People close to me know I love the show the Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan. There is one resounding theme that Cesar encounters and addresses in each episode which is the fact that the human is the pack leader and the dogs are part of the pack. Most of the time Cesar is "rehabilitating" the humans who have been treating their pets like little humans and projecting human emotion and communication styles onto their dog(s).
In every episode, it becomes apparent that the dog craves structure and leadership from the human. This is so similar to how a child looks to their parent as a role model and safe place, providing that structure to grow. When a parent loses their way in terms of providing comfort, routine, stability, and clear communication of expectations then the relationship with the child begins to show signs of stress.
These signs often manifest in the child's behaviors. A careful examination of the parent's behaviors (including words) is equally telling that there is a certain level of dysfunction. Behaviors you might see surface from a child will include but not limited to:
Talking back
Avoiding responsibilities
Lying
Unphased by disciplinary actions
Purposeful actions to sabotage routine
Parental behaviors that surface when they are no longer a positive role model or safe place:
Failure to acknowledge the positives in child
Reduction or absence of affection
Comparing child to siblings
Projecting self onto the child
Whatever age your child is...if you are feeling he/she is straying from your expectations, being disrespectful, or outright unruly, then here are some steps you can try to right the ship before too much more time sets in:
Spend alone time with your child. This might be in the form of hanging out in their room for 15 minutes before tucking them into bed, going out to eat one on one, playing a simple game together, reading together, or simply sitting side by side while you watch a TV show.
Write your child a note letting them know how much you love them, name something special about them, telling them you aren't perfect and don't expect them to be so either, or apologizing for something you did.
Hug. Seriously, just hug your child. Hold on a little longer and hug a little more randomly then you might have before. Do not underestimate the power of a parent's affection and being the one to initiate the hug.
It can be a shock to really good parents when their kids start to deviate from the person they are trying to cultivate. In any relationship, there are triggers both ways. This means it is important for parents to acknowledge that they may need to tweak their parenting styles or typical "go to" strategies that may no longer work as their child grows from toddler to youth to preteen to teen. How parents behave and what parents say directly influences their child's behaviors and communication. Without recognizing this, nothing will change.
The onus is on the parent...the pack leader...to take the first steps to change their behavior(s) and clarify expectations for the child. There are few things more important than your child. Seriously, what is more important? Homework? A clean bedroom? Whether they played their instruments or took a shower? Parents beg and plead and fight with their children over so many ridiculous subjects...when all that really matters is loving their child. All the child really wants is to feel loved. Let us get back to showing love, being the child's rock, their leader, their safe place. I believe everything else will fall into place when parents infuse these into their Parenting.
