Every once in awhile my mind wanders to deeper parenting concerns...sometimes sparked by a news story, or a recent dream, or just reflecting on my & my children's lives.
I can hardly write about this topic without my tears welling up and a lump in my throat but the truth is, I pray to God that I do not pass away before my children have an opportunity to grow up.
My heart knows that children are very resilient. My heart also knows that the bond & love between children & their Parent is so powerful & influential to the health of their whole being. The loss of which can not be recovered.
Every time I get in the car I think about being a safe driver because "heaven forbid" an accident happens...I do my best to address health issues when they arise...and every time I am away from the kids I take precautions to be safe...I purposely do not engage in behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous because I want to maximize the time I'll be present in my kids' lives. As if I have complete control over any of this? Don't get me wrong, being a Good Parent is NOT directly proportional to the amount of time a parent spends on Earth. With that said, if I'm not here, I can't be the Good Parent that I so desire for my kids!
Every parent-child relationship is different. I suppose if you are a Parent who is not terribly involved in your child's upbringing or day to day life then you may not feel as concerned about whether you in particular were or were not in your child's life especially while they are still young. In my situation, I have been the primary caregiver from birth...being the parent who feeds, bathes, plays with, teaches, disciplines, cuddles, and meets every need & want of the child from birth. Literally inseparable with the exception of a date night with Daddy here & there and now the enrollment in school.
My kids lives would be majorly disrupted if I were to perish. There is no one else they want in this stage in their lives but me. Daddy is a close second but his style, knowledge, & parenting abilities are so different than Mom's (mine) mostly because he is hard at work outside the home. When I think about this I can't help but wonder if I am setting them up for failure. Being the main person who cares for them can actually be a detriment. Because of this, I feel overwhelmed at times...just heart broken...at the idea that my kids could lose their Mother.
I've heard parents say that they are suppose to "go first" in terms of dying before their kids do. And while I know I can't live forever, I wish I could take on the burden of loss they will feel when my time comes. I wish I could know how their life would be...or what I can do now to help prepare them (without being depressing) for life without me. We have a Will so I feel secure in terms of their financial future and that part is comforting (actually, it was a freeing experience to complete a Will and EVERY parent should complete one ASAP). However, I worry about how to continue to communicate to them how much they are loved. I worry about who is going to share with them all of the stories that their Mom has in store for them at various stages of their lives? Who is going to show the same amount of attention, investment, enthusiasm, and sense of being fully present in their lives, like their Mom does? Who is going to hug, kiss, tickle, listen, & challenge just the right amount in the right places at the right times, like only their Mom senses as needed? I feel so connected with my kids...and I know they feel it in return. It would be unbearable to loose either of them but I'm older, I could handle it. They are young...and thus...what a burden I feel should anything happen. My spirit would not be able to rest.
And so in some respect, I will not rest until the kids are older or well on their way to being adults. As sad as it will be for those parenting ties to diminish over time...I will be relieved in terms of knowing that the ties were allowed to follow a natural progression without being terminated prematurely.
Tonight I say a special prayer for children (at any age) who have lost a parent. May God hold you in the palms of His hands, May your special Angel(s) always walk with you, and May you feel your parent's love in the world around you everyday for the rest of your life.
