Single, Double, or Other

An unfortunate thing happened the other day on one of my friend's facebook page.  She posted a status about an observation she had made and the comments that ensued lead to bit of a dispute about single parenting (where the single parent is also working outside the home) verses double parenting (specifically when one parent stays home while the other one works outside the home).   The assumptions included things such as it's easy to be a good parent when one of you stays home, working Moms are role modeling realistic work/ life ethics, that stay at home Moms have it made financially, etc. Without sharing too much about the heated back & forth and believe me, I had my own comments to add... I kept thinking "why are us Moms beating each other up because some "get to" stay at home while others work outside the home?"  Shouldn't we all be striving to be good parents regardless of our situation (single, double, or other)?

Do I think that being able to parent well is easier & more efficiently/effectively achieved if at least one parent or family member is able to stay home with the child? Yes...BUT only if that parent uses the time with the child to enhance their development.  The child is not better off at home if they are in front of a TV all day or if the parent is one their computer/cell phone constantly.  In these instances the child would certainly be better off in another environment that can foster learning & play. Likewise, being a stay at home parent is not as glamorous as society makes it out. Most of the Moms I know in this situation have spouses that travel often, are deployed across country or state lines, have spouses that are not engaged with the child(ren), etc. It can be more lonely that the life of a single parent because a single parent at least has a "work" community of adults they can connect with on a daily basis. Even the playgroup I participate in at best meets up once every two weeks. Most of the stay at home parents I know also make huge financial sacrifices in order to support this situation. No movies, no restaurants, no new clothes, no vacations, no fancy parties, etc... These people believe it is more important to have a parent stay home than to engage in the above mentioned spending. They live their lives accordingly and it is not easy.

Good parenting seems infinitely harder for those who are single parents. For obvious reasons...there simply is no one else to share the work load needed to maintain a home inside & out, vehicles, earn income, parent the child(ren) and so on.  For all these to be shouldered by one adult is surely a challenge in terms of balance and ability to give their all in each area. Of course good parenting happens with single parents! (I mentioned my own Mom being a good parent in a previous entry). Though, often with the help of extended family and/or network of friends (perhaps other single parents).  The sacrifices single parents make are often different yet possibly more powerful than those sacrifices mentioned above. These may include refraining from dating again or remarrying, refraining from extracurricular activities to ensure there is money available for their children's activities, sacrifice where & how they live (my Mom's bedroom was the living room in one apartment so my sister & I could have the actual bedroom), taking lower paid jobs that offer more flexibility, and so on. Whatever time my Mom had after working she spent with us...that's good parenting in my book!

Whether you are a single parent, a parent who has access to an extended community made up of friends & family, or parent with a partner/spouse (where one stays home)...the way to being a good parent is about "owning" your situation, making it what you want it to be in terms of the type of parent you want to be.  We can't use our situation as an excuse for why we are struggling to parent well. There is always going to be people who make assumptions about your parenting based off the situations you find yourself. People who make assumptions have their own issues & insecurities!  Let your good parenting be the testament to your character & strength as a positive role model. When one parent makes a comment about how valuable it is to spend time at the park engaged with your children...agree with them! Its not a point to be argued...its an experience that any Good Parent makes time for & cherishes!

Hugs

A few weeks ago I attended a breakfast fundraiser at the local YMCA along with some "mom friends" of mine.  While we were mingling, one of my friends came over and hugged me "hello." At  that moment a light bulb went off!  Iit had been so long since I had been hugged (by someone other than my kids or husband) that I actually felt a boost of happiness~a feeling that remained with me all day as I thought about how the simple act of a hug can change a person's attitude for the positive. 

I'm no stranger to hugs. Many years before that I created a bulletin board on the topic of hugs. Did you know there are a variety of hugging styles?  There's the "bear hug," the "A-frame hug," the "side hug," and so on.  I also read once that if you want to live longer you should have 4 hugs/day!  Hmmm.... is there a science to all this hugging?

I like hugs.  I hug my kids a bazillion times a day and would hug them even more if they'd let me!  But I don't seem to "offer" hugs up to friends as much as I would like.  I think it's mostly due to a fear of social boundaries and wondering how the hug would be accepted. I have certain friends that I always hug but most friends I do not unless a special occasion warrants.  And yet... every time I see my "mom friends" and their child(ren), I always encourage my kids to "hug" goodbye or hello with the other kids. Why do parents encourage hugging among kids? It seems like good etiquette, a nice thing to do. Yet I'm still reflecting on how it is possible that for almost 3 years now, I've been asking my kids to participate in a behavior (hugging their friends) that I myself have I've not been role modeling!

Parents need hugs too...not just from their kids but from other parents.  There is something special about making a connection with another who understands, without words, what you go through on a daily basis.    Sometimes that squeeze is enough to remind you that you are human!  Sometimes I find myself on auto pilot going through the same routines day after day...it is easy to forget about how it feels to be hugged, appreciated, noticed.  Parents who give their all often find they are operating on fumes & feel like they just don't have anything left to give, not to anyone. While the parent is giving their best to impact the lives of their children they can lose themselves, lose their energy in the process.  Our life's energy makes us who we are and it can be nourished through hugging!

 So, to my friends...consider yourself warned! If you see me, you just might get a hug!